


Love The Way You Lie

by bobbiejelly



Series: MerAdd My Heart <3 [38]
Category: Grey's Anatomy, Private Practice
Genre: Abuse, Abusive Parents, Abusive Relationships, Angst, Best Friends, Bisexual, Bisexual Addison Montgomery, Bisexual Meredith Grey, Domestic Violence, Emotional Abuse, Emotional Baggage, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, Emotional Manipulation, Emotional/Psychological Abuse, F/F, F/M, Femslash, Friendship, Gen, Growth, Healing, Healthy Relationships, How Derek found out, Hurt, Hurt/Comfort, Intimate Partner Violence, It Gets Better, Lesbian, Love, M/M, Maddek - Freeform, Marek - Freeform, Marital Violence, MerAdd, MerDer, MerDer to MerAdd, Multi, Other, Pain, Physical Abuse, Recovery, Unhealthy Coping Mechanisms, Unhealthy Relationships, addek, friends - Freeform, hurt-comfort, meddison, physical violence
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2020-05-30
Updated: 2021-02-08
Packaged: 2021-03-02 22:01:28
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings, Graphic Depictions Of Violence
Chapters: 22
Words: 68,556
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/24460222
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/bobbiejelly/pseuds/bobbiejelly
Summary: Derek Shepherd, your husband, hits you- but you stayed until you couldn't stand up anymore. Your best friend Mark Sloan helped you leave him and you two had some adulterous sex. When you see Derek again in Seattle with another woman, all you want is to save her from him. You didn't mean to fall in love with her. She wasn't supposed to fall in love with you, either. But you both did, anyway.-Addison Forbes Montgomery, for Meredith GreyMerAdd. Meddison. F/F. Meredith Grey/Addison Montgomery. Rated E for Explicit. Grey's Anatomy & Private Practice Crossover.CW: Domestic Violence. Unhealthy Relationships - Physically & Emotionally Abusive Addek & MerDer. Also briefly okay (non-abusive), Maddison & Mark/Derek.*This story is entirely fictional. Please seek professional help for abusive relationships in yourself and others. Take all abuse seriously.*
Relationships: Addison Montgomery & Archer Forbes Montgomery, Addison Montgomery & Mark Sloan, Addison Montgomery/Derek Shepherd, Addison Montgomery/Mark Sloan, Derek Shepherd & Mark Sloan, Derek Shepherd/Mark Sloan, Meredith Grey & Addison Montgomery, Meredith Grey & Mark Sloan, Meredith Grey/Addison Montgomery, Meredith Grey/Derek Shepherd
Series: MerAdd My Heart <3 [38]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1687834
Comments: 79
Kudos: 50





	1. PROLOGUE

**Author's Note:**

  * For [AddisonAddek](https://archiveofourown.org/users/AddisonAddek/gifts), [Hotgitay](https://archiveofourown.org/users/Hotgitay/gifts), [Arahneia](https://archiveofourown.org/users/Arahneia/gifts), [Psup](https://archiveofourown.org/gifts?recipient=Psup), [Illyiad](https://archiveofourown.org/users/Illyiad/gifts), [lineeelin](https://archiveofourown.org/users/lineeelin/gifts), [bigredbirdthatlivesunderthecity](https://archiveofourown.org/users/bigredbirdthatlivesunderthecity/gifts).
  * Inspired by [Black and Blue, and a Little Bit Broken](https://archiveofourown.org/external_works/627052) by AliceSloane13. 
  * Inspired by [Christmas Lights](https://archiveofourown.org/external_works/627055) by AliceSloane13. 
  * Inspired by [Be Calm](https://archiveofourown.org/external_works/627058) by AliceSloane13. 
  * Inspired by [Meredith's Secret](https://archiveofourown.org/external_works/627061) by BreakingJade. 
  * Inspired by [meredith's secret | meddison](https://archiveofourown.org/external_works/627067) by itslexipedia. 
  * Inspired by [In Memory Of Me](https://archiveofourown.org/external_works/627073) by TheQueenofPassiveAggressiva. 
  * Inspired by [How to Make Friends with the Dark](https://archiveofourown.org/external_works/628306) by TheQueenofPassiveAggressiva. 
  * Inspired by [Blue Eyes](https://archiveofourown.org/works/24450607) by [AddisonAddek](https://archiveofourown.org/users/AddisonAddek/pseuds/AddisonAddek). 
  * Inspired by [You’re The One That I Want](https://archiveofourown.org/external_works/637528) by 50shadesofFanFictions. 
  * Inspired by [I'm Not What You Came Here For](https://archiveofourown.org/external_works/641824) by flipflop_diva. 
  * Inspired by [You Were the One](https://archiveofourown.org/external_works/642307) by meltyoudown. 
  * Inspired by [A Bitter Song](https://archiveofourown.org/external_works/647122) by The Sound Of. 
  * Inspired by [Out of Sight, Out of Mind](https://archiveofourown.org/works/25282048) by [AddisonAddek](https://archiveofourown.org/users/AddisonAddek/pseuds/AddisonAddek). 
  * Inspired by [The Map that Leads to You](https://archiveofourown.org/external_works/714083) by AliceSloane13. 
  * Inspired by [State of Shock](https://archiveofourown.org/external_works/714086) by AliceSloane13. 



> This work will be subsequently gifted to anyone who comments, gives kudos on it, or bookmarks it, though feel free to message me to let me know you don't want that. Usually, I gift upon the publication of the first chapter, but this is heavy and I don't want to impose reading this on anyone who doesn't find it on their own. Take care, cheers. If you'd like it in your gift works, please ask me :D.

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Your name is Addison Adrianne Forbes Montgomery.
> 
> You usually only go by "Addison Montgomery," though.
> 
> You were born in 1967 in Connecticut, United States of America.
> 
> And this is the story of your life, thus far, until now.

_Author's Note:_

This is inspired by the songs "Love The Way You Lie," by Eminem & Rhianna and "Love The Way You Lie Pt. 2," by Rhianna ft. Eminem, and "Love The Way You Lie Pt. 3," by Skylar Grey.

(Lyrics quoted at the bottom, found from off of the internet. These are really powerful songs that I really do enjoy listening to, despite their challenging content.)

The work is inspired by other stories of a similar nature which I love. "Black and Blue and a Little Bit Broken," and "Christmas Lights," and "Be Calm," by Alice Sloane13. "Meredith's Secret," by itslexipedia on Wattpad and BreakingJade on Fanfiction. "In Memory Of Me," and "How To Make Friends With The Dark," by TheQueenOfPassiveAggressiva on Fanfiction.

This is also a sort-of extension on some of my own works that always seem to have a bit of a hurt-comfort dynamic, primarily "Soothe," where I wrote one chapter that seemed to be really popular so I wanted to expand on the concept here.

This story will be heavy. It is not for the faint of heart.

I hope to do this story justice but I am still learning as a writer. All feedback is welcome and I value it.

This fic is written in the second-person, from Addison Montgomery's perspective.

I hope you will enjoy it nonetheless.

_bobbiejelly_

* * *

**CONTENT WARNINGS TO FOLLOW:**

**READ IF YOU WOULD LIKE A HEADS UP FIRST, OR:**

**AT YOUR OWN RISK, SKIP TO THE TITLE CARD IF YOU DO NOT WANT SPOILERS.**

* * *

This first chapter has mentions of marital violence between Addison's parents, which the kids get caught up in on occasion. It is not full-on child abuse, but it's not a healthy childhood environment, either.

As for the rest of the story: It will contain (Between Derek/Addison, and later Derek/Meredith), domestic violence, emotionally abusive, unhealthy, and deeply dysfunctional relationships. It will likely be long and slow, and it will get worse long before it gets better.

This story will contain graphic and consensual female-female sex. It will also contain consensual male-male gay sex. It also will contain consensual straight female-male sex. 

*While the sex between Addison and the AU-Abusive Derek Shepherd will be 'consensual', I recognize there is a limit to how 'consensual' sex can be in an abusive relationship. I guess what I'm trying to say is that I'm not writing about sexual abuse and/or rape, per se, Addison asks him for sex, or he does and she wants him, and it's an unhealthy dynamic because of what he does and the circumstances, but in this AU I guess I'm not writing that he's forcing himself upon her while she is saying no. That's where I draw my line in what I am comfortable with. This has been altered from my previous content warning, upon the guidance of reader feedback - thanks!

If new content warnings come up they will be listed at the top of the chapter.

Always feel free to take a breath or skip parts of it is too much for you. I don't want to give it all away before it happens, but I want you to know what you are reading, here.

I would also like to state that this is not a story I am writing out of personal experience (thank goodness!), this is not me expressing my own life through a story in any way or of someone I know personally. It is entirely fictional, based on other stories I have read and based on research on this topic. This is not me crying for help, but thank you for your hypothetical concern.

I will say up front that I will not commit to being a support person in crisis for a reader of this story over the internet. If you choose to share your own story with me over these story-sharing platforms that is up to you, but I will immediately redirect you to seek professional support for your region.

More information on domestic violence and emotional abuse can be found on reliable sources on the internet or by calling emergency numbers wherever you live.

Be safe and take care,

_bobbiejelly_

* * *

**Love The Way You Lie**

* * *

_Derek Shepherd, your husband, hits you- but you stayed until you couldn't stand up anymore. Your best friend Mark Sloan helped you leave him and you two had some adulterous sex. When you see Derek again in Seattle with another woman, all you want is to save her from him. You didn't mean to fall in love with her. She wasn't supposed to fall in love with you, either. But you both did, anyway._

_-Addison Forbes Montgomery, for Meredith Grey_

_MerAdd. Meddison. F/F. Meredith Grey/Addison Montgomery. Rated E for Explicit. Grey's Anatomy & Private Practice Crossover._

_CW: Domestic Violence. Unhealthy Relationships - Physically & Emotionally Abusive Addek & MerDer. Also briefly okay (non-abusive), Maddison & Mark/Derek._

_*This story is entirely fictional. Please seek professional help for abusive relationships in yourself and others. Take all abuse seriously.*_

* * *

**Chapter One: PROLOGUE**

* * *

Your name is Addison Adrianne Forbes Montgomery.

You usually only go by "Addison Montgomery," though.

You were born in 1967 in Connecticut, United States of America.

_And this is the story of your life, thus far, until now._

Your brother's name is Archer Forbes Montgomery. He's older than you and he makes sure that you always remember that.

Your mother's name is Bizzy Forbes and your father doesn't have a name to you other than 'The Captain' Montgomery.

You wrote that all on your school forms one time because your mother was drinking and so was your father so you had to fill it all out yourself and leave it for them to sign the bottom.

You were a wealthy family back then and also now. You don't write that on the forms though. You didn’t have to. Everyone knew that anyway already because they knew your parents.

When you were younger you thought all kids' parents fought as yours did.

You didn't find out until you were an adult that other kids didn't start mixing their fathers cocktails at the tender age of eight years old.

You already knew the difference between a stiff drink and a cheap one and the garnishes to go along with all of them.

Neither of your parents was alcoholics but they did like to drink a lot.

You're not sure if it's because it made them forget to fight or if it's because they fought when they drank it.

It doesn't matter to you either way, really.

Either way, they start screaming and you weren't old enough at eight to ride your bike alone in the neighborhood even though your brother Archer was.

Sometimes he took you with him but not if his friends were around. Or his current girlfriend. Or one of his current girlfriends.

Your brother learned from your father that it was okay to indulge in one of life's simple pleasures.

Women were disposable to daddy, it seems, as long as he kept giving you ice cream you kept your mouth shut when he screwed his secretaries in his office while he left you to wait in the lobby.

You wonder why your mother doesn't leave him. Maybe she doesn't know. Maybe she already does and she just doesn't care.

Maybe she's afraid to leave him.

Maybe she loves him too much to let him go.

You don't ask either one of them, ever.

When you were seven when you fell off your bicycle and could barely walk after. Archer carried you home and your mother gave you a band-aid and your father gave you the Neosporin.

It was Archer who cleaned up the cut and it was you who put the band-aid on yourself.

You were lucky that both of your parents were both home and not yelling at the same time, all the same, or at least you tell that to yourself.

You don't talk to Archer about all the fighting.

You tried a few times but it's off-limits for him and he tells you not to tell other kids or your teachers and you don't because he's your brother and also your hero.

You listen to him more than Bizzy or even The Captain but you'll never tell either of your parents that, ever.

Then, he moves away to college first you spend a year wishing you could move away with him.

You know he has sex with a different girl every night but you still think it would be better than living with all the constant screaming.

The one responsible adult in your life, Susan Grant, you see less and less of as you grow older.

She was your nanny, and you don't need a nanny when you're past the age of twelve.

Or so your mother says when you ask why she never comes over anymore while you're home.

You know Bizzy still talks to her all the time because you hear the familiar voice on the phone but she never lets you have Susan Grant's number, yourself.

You don't have many friends growing up because you don't want them to come over to your place and your mother tells you it's rude to invite yourself over to their place.

You didn't want them to see your father lay a hand on your mother or for her to try to fight back with him. You didn't want them to call someone or tattle on you to their parents. You didn't want to cause any more trouble.

So you stick to yourself, mostly. Archer is more outgoing than you, and you're just a shy girl who gets good grades and also likes music.

You have not cried outside of your room since you were two because your mother told you it was not proper. You don't even show when you're hurt or sad because she says it makes you look weaker.

You want to cry when you see your dad yell at your mother, but you don't, and you don't step in, either.

The last time you did you got glass on your arm and you were kept home from school for a week so the school wouldn't call DCFS on all of you.

You wonder if maybe they should have, but when you asked Archer this he said they separate siblings in foster care and you would never want to lose your only sibling forever.

After that, you never get in the middle of things. Archer never did either, but it's not like you've seen him in ages.

He still calls you sometimes from college but he's busy with school and screwing people so you try to just keep it all in when you can.

Middle school came and went.

It was extremely boring.

High school came and went.

You met your prom date at band camp and his name was Skippy Gold.

You never tell your parents you have a date because your mother would not approve of someone who shares a name with a brand of peanut butter and your father might threaten to kill him.

He talked about Star Wars all night and you have never watched Star Wars but at least he doesn't yell at you or hit you either.

He asks if he can take your virginity after the dance.

You say he can and he does.

It's a miracle you never got pregnant from him or also got a disease.

Your parents were too conservative for a safe sex talk so you didn't know to insist on a condom.

He finished inside of you because he wanted to and you wanted him to as well because he told you "it feels really good when it happens that way,".

It really did feel really good. You try to forget about that once you learn about using protection.

You might have married that man had he not gone to a different college than you.

He stayed in Connecticut and you moved to New York.

He asked if you wanted to do long-distance.

You said no because you didn't.

When things got really bad with your husband, years later you sometimes wish that you stayed with Skippy Gold in state school instead.

You have sex with Skippy Gold four more times before you move away and he doesn't. You were Seventeen in the back of your jet-black Mercedes for most of it.

He was the first man who ever told you he was glad that you were in his life. Even before your own father did- your daddy only called you a nuisance. He told you he was so glad that he met you snd then he left you to go off to college.

You never saw him again after that. You tried calling him after but he never answered you. You're not sure if you were in love with him ever.

Sometimes you think you were. Sometimes you know you really weren't but he was just less bad than some of the alternatives.

You party a little at Yale during your undergrad but you don't date much.

You don't really meet anyone important enough to mention. You kiss a few boys. You even kiss a few girls, also.

You think that the girls were better kissers than the boys ever were, but you know your mom and your dad would flip their shit if you ever brought a woman home with you.

Or told them that you were seeing one, not that you were, anyway.

You don't bring anyone home though. Not even a boyfriend. You had a few of those, maybe. Or maybe they were one night stands.

You liked them more than they liked you or vice versa either way. At least now in college, you learn about birth control and STI's.

You get on the pill and you're pretty good at taking it. You use proper protection not like you didn't in high school.

You don't feel like your life has completely started yet until you get into medical school.

By then your brother is already admitted and wants to be either a neurologist or a cardiologist.

You want to be a surgeon but you don't know what kind yet. You'll decide later. You'll get a boyfriend later. You'll figure it out when you come to it.

You meet some of your very best friends in New York at Columbia College in first-year medical school.

One becomes your roommate and best friend, Naomi Bennett. The others are a tall handsome boy who has the biggest crush on you and his name is Sam Bennett.

Sam asks you out but you say no because Naomi likes him and you say they're meant to be because they already have the same last name but they are in no way related.

(You all checked thousands of times to make sure with their whole family trees, but as it turns out, 'Bennett' is just a really common name in New York).

Years later you'll hate yourself for wishing you said 'yes' to Sam so you wouldn't have gone out with your husband. But then Naomi might have dated your husband, and you decide you'd much rather it have been you than her, after all.

The day you met your husband you thought it was the beginning of the best few years of your life.

Little did you know it was about to be hell on earth in one singular person.

Derek Christopher Shepherd was the first man on the planet who ever told you he loved you. Even before your own father did. Even Skippy Gold never said that to you. The only other person who had come close to it was your brother, Archer, who only said 'luv ya, sis'.

Derek told you he loved you. You told Derek you loved him back.

You think later, you just loved the way he always lied to you.

You loved him and you hated him, and you loved and hated him even more. But you stayed with him no matter how hard he hit you, for ages… Because he acted towards you just like your father did to your mother. And you didn't really know any better than that.

* * *

*

*

*

*

*

***** **END OF CHAPTER ONE**

* * *

_Author's Note:_

First of all, apologies, fictional Derek. You do get to be a really cool villain, though, so that's fun, right?

Hello, whew, well here is all that background jazz.

A lot of this is canonical (if you watch Private Practice), with increased abuse and also violence.

I'm not trying to say with this story that everyone who has abusive parents will fall for an abusive significant other, nor do all people who have abusive parents become abusive themselves.

There are developmental studies that show that insecure attachments are common predecessors to unhealthy relationships in adults.

There are developmental studies that show that childhood trauma and family violence has profound effects on children later in life.

This, however, is not a research paper it is a _story_. And therefore I will restrain myself from including APA-style citations, here. Please see more information on those topics from actual scientific journals if you end up being incredibly interested.

Let me know if you want more of this, I really am interested in writing it.

If there are any scenes that you'd like to see in particular I am open to a lot of paths right now.

_bobbiejelly_

* * *

SONG INSPIRATION 1, LYRICS:

**"Love The Way You Lie"**

EMINEM

  
(feat. Rihanna)   
  


_[Rihanna:]_  
Just gonna stand there and watch me burn  
Well, that's alright because I like the way it hurts  
Just gonna stand there and hear me cry  
Well, that's alright because I love the way you lie  
I love the way you lie

_[Eminem:]_  
I can't tell you what it really is  
I can only tell you what it feels like  
And right now, it's a steel knife in my windpipe  
I can't breathe but I still fight while I can fight  
As long as the wrong feels right it's like I'm in flight  
High off her love, drunk from her hate  
It's like I'm huffing paint and I love her the more I suffer, I suffocate  
And right before I'm about to drown, she resuscitates me  
She fucking hates me and I love it  
"Wait! Where you going?"  
"I'm leaving you!"  
"No you ain't. Come back"  
We're running right back  
Here we go again  
It's so insane 'cause when it's going good, it's going great  
I'm Superman with the wind at his back, she's Lois Lane  
But when it's bad it's awful, I feel so ashamed I snap  
"Who's that dude?"  
"I don't even know his name"  
I laid hands on her, I'll never stoop so low again  
I guess I don't know my own strength

_[Rihanna:]_  
Just gonna stand there and watch me burn  
Well, that's alright because I like the way it hurts  
Just gonna stand there and hear me cry  
Well, that's alright because I love the way you lie  
I love the way you lie  
I love the way you lie

_[Eminem:]_  
You ever love somebody so much you can barely breathe when you're with 'em  
You meet and neither one of you even know what hit 'em  
Got that warm fuzzy feeling  
Yeah, them chills used to get 'em  
Now you're getting fucking sick of looking at 'em  
You swore you'd never hit 'em; never do nothing to hurt 'em  
Now you're in each other's face spewing venom in your words when you spit them  
You push, pull each other's hair, scratch, claw, bit 'em  
Throw 'em down, pin 'em  
So lost in the moments when you're in them  
It's the rage that took over  
It controls you both  
So they say it's best to go your separate ways  
Guess that they don't know you 'cause today that was yesterday  
Yesterday is over, it's a different day  
Sound like broken records playing over but you promised her  
Next time you'd show restraint  
You don't get another chance  
Life is no Nintendo game  
But you lied again  
Now you get to watch her leave out the window  
Guess that's why they call it window pane

_[Rihanna:]_  
Just gonna stand there and watch me burn  
Well, that's alright because I like the way it hurts  
Just gonna stand there and hear me cry  
Well, that's alright because I love the way you lie  
I love the way you lie  
I love the way you lie

_[Eminem:]_  
Now I know we said things, did things that we didn't mean  
And we fall back into the same patterns, same routines  
But your temper's just as bad as mine is  
You're the same as me  
When it comes to love you're just as blinded  
Baby, please come back  
It wasn't you, baby it was me  
Maybe our relationship isn't as crazy as it seems  
Maybe that's what happens when a tornado meets a volcano  
All I know is I love you too much to walk away though  
Come inside, pick up your bags off the sidewalk  
Don't you hear sincerity in my voice when I talk  
Told you this is my fault  
Look me in the eyeball  
Next time I'm pissed, I'll aim my fist at the drywall  
Next time? There won't be no next time!  
I apologize even though I know it's lies  
I'm tired of the games I just want her back  
I know I'm a liar  
If she ever tries to fucking leave again  
I'mma tie her to the bed and set this house on fire  
I'm just gonna

_[Rihanna:]_  
Just gonna stand there and watch me burn  
Well, that's alright because I like the way it hurts  
Just gonna stand there and hear me cry  
Well, that's alright because I love the way you lie  
I love the way you lie  
I love the way you lie

* * *

SONG INSPIRATION 2, LYRICS:

**"Love The Way You Lie Part II"**

RHIANNA

  
(feat. Eminem)   
  


_[Rihanna:]_  
On the first page of our story  
The future seemed so bright  
Then this thing turned out so evil  
I don't know why I'm still surprised  
Even angels have their wicked schemes  
And you take that to new extremes  
But you'll always be my hero  
Even though you've lost your mind

Just gonna stand there and watch me burn  
But that's all right because I like the way it hurts  
Just gonna stand there and hear me cry  
But that's all right because I love the way you lie  
I love the way you lie  
Oh, I love the way you lie

_[Rihanna:]_  
Now there's gravel in our voices  
Glass is shattered from the fight  
In this tug of war you'll always win  
Even when I'm right  
'Cause you feed me fables from your head  
With violent words and empty threats  
And it's sick that all these battles  
Are what keeps me satisfied

Just gonna stand there and watch me burn  
But that's all right because I like the way it hurts  
Just gonna stand there and hear me cry  
But that's all right because I love the way you lie  
I love the way you lie  
Oh, I love the way you lie

_[Rihanna:]_  
So maybe I'm a masochist  
I try to run but I don't wanna ever leave  
'Til the walls are goin' up  
In smoke with all our memories

_[Eminem:]_  
It's morning, you wake, a sun ray hits your face  
Smeared makeup as we lay in the wake of destruction  
Hush baby, speak softly, tell me you're awfully sorry  
That you pushed me into the coffee table last night  
So I can push you off me  
Try and touch me so I can scream at you not to touch me  
Run out the room and I'll follow you like a lost puppy  
Baby, without you I'm nothing, I'm so lost, hug me  
Then tell me how ugly I am, but that you'll always love me  
Then after that, shove me, in the aftermath of the  
Destructive path that we're on, two psychopaths but we  
Know that no matter how many knives we put in each other's backs  
That we'll have each other's backs, 'cause we're that lucky  
Together, we move mountains, let's not make mountains out of molehills,  
You hit me twice, yeah, but who's countin'?  
I may have hit you three times, I'm startin' to lose count  
But together, we'll live forever, we found the youth fountain  
Our love is crazy, we're nuts, but I refuse counsellin'  
This house is too huge, if you move out I'll burn all two thousand  
Square feet of it to the ground, ain't shit you can do about it  
'Cause with you I'm in my fuckin' mind, without you I'm out it

Just gonna stand there and watch me burn  
But that's all right because I like the way it hurts  
Just gonna stand there and hear me cry  
But that's all right because I love the way you lie  
I love the way you lie  
Oh, I love the way you lie

I love the way you lie  
I love the way you lie  
I love the way you lie

* * *

**"Love The Way You Lie, Pt. III"**   
  


SKYLAR GREY

On the first page of our story  
The future seemed so bright  
Then the saint turned out so evil  
I don't know why I'm still surprised  
Even angels have their wicked schemes  
And you take that to new extremes  
But you'll always be my hero  
Even though you've lost your mind

Just gonna stand there and watch me burn  
Well that's alright because I like the way it hurts  
Just gonna stand there and hear me cry  
Well that's alright because I love the way you lie  
I love the way you lie  
I love the way you lie

Now there's gravel in our voices  
Glasses shattered from the fight  
In this tug of war you always win  
Even when I'm right  
Cos you feed me fables from your head  
With violent words and empty threats  
And it's sick that all these battles are what keeps me satisfied

Just gonna stand there and watch me burn  
Well that's alright because I like the way it hurts  
Just gonna stand there and hear me cry  
Well that's alright because I love the way you lie  
I love the way you lie  
I love the way you lie

So maybe I'm a masochist  
I try to run but I don't wanna ever leave  
Til the walls are going up  
In smoke with all our memories

Just gonna stand there and watch me burn  
Well that's alright because I like the way it hurts  
Just gonna stand there and hear me cry  
Well that's alright because I love the way you lie  
I love the way you lie  
I love the way you lie  
I love the way you lie

* * *

_Ps. New MerAdd fics are up or updated, recently:_

[ **Prom?** ](https://archiveofourown.org/works/24438112)

####  [ **101 McDalmatians** ](https://archiveofourown.org/works/24442180)

[ **Five Reasons We Knew Calzona Was Made For Each Other & Five + More 6 Sentence Fics** ](https://archiveofourown.org/works/23515210)

####  [ **Move Over, Derek!** ](https://archiveofourown.org/works/24399436)

_... And there will eventually, soon be new Chapters of these ones up:_

####  [ **Second Person (The Diary of Addison Montgomery)** ](https://archiveofourown.org/works/24276160)

####  [ **Falling Apart, Barely Breathing** ](https://archiveofourown.org/works/23434480)

####  [ **Soothe** ](https://archiveofourown.org/works/24039004)

####  [ **A Seattle Grace Mercy West Swingers Party - Post Plane Crash Edition** ](https://archiveofourown.org/works/23604244)

####  [ **Out Of The Dark** ](https://archiveofourown.org/works/23528218)

Feel free to check them out, hopefully after you leave a note, and have a great day!

[ **_bobbiejelly_ ** ](https://archiveofourown.org/users/bobbiejelly/pseuds/bobbiejelly)


	2. BEYOND NICE

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> You met Derek Christopher Shepherd by the time you didn't have braces or a lisp anymore and you were less of a band geek than you were in high school. He said his name is Derek. You said your name is Addison.
> 
> You fell in love with him sometime after that.
> 
> You hated him sometime after that.
> 
> You forget in what order sometime after all of it.

_Author's Note:_

The comments are already flying in, it's wild!

This will be a slow burn, folks, much angst, hurt-comfort, experimental.

First time writing significant amounts of Derek/Addison, or any straight relationship for any length, for me, as well...

Hope you enjoy it!

_bobbiejelly_

* * *

**CHAPTER CONTENT WARNING:**

**SKIP TO THE TITLE CARD AT YOUR OWN RISK IF YOU DO NOT WANT SPOILERS.**

This Chapter contains the beginnings of an abusive relationship between Derek and Addison.

A vague amount of research was done on how emotionally abusive relationships form.

Abuse is never the fault of the victim, and no one ever 'deserves it.'

*Consensual straight sex.

While the sex between Addison and the AU-Abusive Derek Shepherd will be 'consensual', I recognize there is a limit to how 'consensual' sex can be in an abusive relationship. I guess what I'm trying to say is that I'm not writing about sexual abuse and/or rape, per se, Addison asks him for sex, or he does and she wants him, and it's an unhealthy dynamic because of what he does and the circumstances, but in this AU I guess I'm not writing that he's forcing himself upon her while she is saying no. That's where I draw my line in what I am comfortable with. This has been altered from my previous content warning, upon the guidance of reader feedback - thanks!

Everyone deserves help, and perpetrators of violence need professional care as well.

Take care of yourselves as you read this.

_bobbiejelly_

* * *

**Love The Way You Lie**

* * *

_Derek Shepherd, your husband, hits you- but you stayed until you couldn't stand up anymore. Your best friend Mark Sloan helped you leave him and you two had some adulterous sex. When you see Derek again in Seattle with another woman, all you want is to save her from him. You didn't mean to fall in love with her. She wasn't supposed to fall in love with you, either. But you both did, anyway._

_-Addison Forbes Montgomery, for Meredith Grey_

_MerAdd. Meddison. F/F. Meredith Grey/Addison Montgomery. Rated E for Explicit. Grey's Anatomy & Private Practice Crossover._

_CW: Domestic Violence. Unhealthy Relationships - Physically & Emotionally Abusive Addek & MerDer. Also briefly okay (non-abusive), Maddison & Mark/Derek._

_*This story is entirely fictional. Please seek professional help for abusive relationships in yourself and others. Take all abuse seriously.*_

* * *

**Chapter 2: BEYOND NICE**

* * *

_You met Derek Christopher Shepherd by the time you didn't have braces or a lisp anymore and you were less of a band geek than you were in high school. He said his name is Derek. You said your name is Addison._

_You fell in love with him sometime after that._

_You hated him sometime after that._

_You forget in what order sometime after all of it._

It was annoying to be moving from Connecticut to New York but you were glad to get away from all of your parent's bullshit.

New York is a big city but you managed to find a shitty place to live and rent somewhere in Manhatten and you call it 'The Hamptons' even though it's hardly a beauty of a house but it's enough for you and Naomi, anyway. You met Naomi through the incoming year Facebook group and you became friends online before you decided to move in, together.

It was the best decision you have ever made until now.

Naomi is your best friend.

She is your rock through all of this...

When you meet Derek he's already living in a house called 'The Brownstone' overlooking Central Park. You thought _you_ were rich but maybe Derek's even richer? You don't really ask. Maybe he's not even richer; he just spends his money on really nice houses.

You meet him somewhere at school while you are studying because it's your first week of medical school and you don't want to get behind.

He was with another man you'll probably know later but you don't at the time.

He shakes your hand, and you shake his.

Derek is charming. He's very charismatic. He's insanely good-looking.

His hair is dreamy and his eyes are even dreamier. His smile makes him seem like _the sun._

He asks you out right then and there on a date.

You say 'yes' right away.

You never look back.

Your first date with Derek you went out to a fancy restaurant and he paid for everything.

You could afford it, too, but you don't, because you like being treated like you are a girl.

He pulls out your chair for you, he hangs up your coat. He orders a single-malt scotch (it's his favorite, he tells you this, _and you never forget it_.)

You're not exclusive yet, because that would be insane.

But you still turn down Sam Bennett anyway on the first day of classes because Naomi Bennett likes him and she is your best friend.

So Sam dates Naomi and you date Derek Shepherd.

You go on a few double-dates with them.

It's actually really nice.

_It was, in the beginning, it was beyond nice. It was phenomenal._

The four of you become five of you when Derek introduces you all to his childhood best friend, Mark Sloan.

Mark is almost like the anti-Derek.

You almost don't understand how they are friends.

Derek is gentle compared to Mark, you think, _think again._

Derek would never hurt you, compared to Mark, you think, _think again._

Derek would never hurt you the way you would later hurt him, you think… _Think again…_

Derek adores ferry-boats so you spend an entire day riding them.

He says he wants to wear a ferry-boat scrub cap when he becomes a surgeon.

You ask him if he already knows what kind he wants to be.

He says "neuro," without an ounce of self-doubt.

You wish you could be that confident and assertive.

Derek always raises his hand in class and he usually gets the answer right. So do you, you get the answer right. But you write it down in your notebook instead.

You and Naomi study together a lot, and sometimes Sam and Derek and Mark join you, too.

You like it. Five seems like a good number for a friend group, you think.

You always have at least four people to talk to.

Naomi and Sam often go off on their own, though, so you spend a lot of time with Mark and Derek.

Sometimes it feels like you're actually dating both of them, but you would never say that to anyone because Derek gets _really_ jealous.

Derek gets jealous when any boy comes to talk to you and you sort-of like that he defends your honor.

_Is he? Or is he just defending his own honor?_

He always wants to know you got home safe. You ask if he did but he says he'll be fine because he's a big strong boy.

You take his word for it, even though he freaks out when you don't call him as soon as you get home every time.

_Why does he get angry when you don't call him right back?_

He doesn't have a problem with you talking to Sam or Naomi, though, and you're glad that he doesn't.

You don't know what you would do without them, or Mark, for that matter, but Derek seems to be a bit more protective of Mark.

You're not sure why, but you figure it's because they grew up together.

Mark actually says that he grew up more at Derek's house than his own.

You ask him what it was like there, he says he really liked it.

Carolyn Shepherd, Derek's mom, pretty much raised Mark.

Derek has four sisters, Nancy Shepherd, Kathleen Shepherd, Lizzie Shepherd, and Amelia Shepherd.

You meet all of them the first time Derek takes you home to his childhood home for dinner during one of the holidays.

You notice he calls it that and not 'his parent's house,' like you call your place in Connecticut with Bizzy and The Captain.

When you get there you learn at some point that that's because Derek's dad got shot in Shepherd's store when he was a boy.

You actually learn this story from his youngest sister, Amelia Shepherd, who can see you looking at the other head of the table before you all say grace so she pulls you aside before you can ask something stupid like 'are we waiting, Mrs. Shepherd, Carolyn, on your husband before we start in?'.

You would have asked that in your politest tone but luckily you didn't have to.

Ever since Amelia told you that story in hushed whispers in her room when she pulled you aside while Derek was getting some of his old things in his own room, you felt a kind of a bond with Amelia.

You decide that dating Derek has the perks of getting to know his siblings. Apparently they all want to be doctors, too or are already well on their way to becoming doctors already.

Derek seems to get jealous of the fact that you want to talk to his siblings, though.

You don't know why exactly because you haven't expressly told him that you are into more than just men, you're just into people in general, and that includes women, as well.

You haven't come out to him, but maybe he knows already. Or maybe he just assumes you could be and that's just the end of that.

You wonder why he cares about this because it's not like you're going to sleep with one of his sisters while you are dating him.

That would be really fucked up and the idea makes you feel a bit ill in the same way you feel ill whenever you think of Archer dating or screwing people.

You erase those thoughts from your head and you focus on dinner.

Carolyn Shepherd is a good cook and you eat all your shrimp.

You make small talk while everyone gives updates on their lives.

You see that Derek always seems to talk the loudest of everyone, and his mom seems to be really proud of her only son.

You sort of notice that Amelia doesn't talk all that much but sometimes Liz or Nancy or Kathleen will say something a bit embarrassing that happened to her.

You shoot Amelia a sympathetic look and she ends one back at you.

You don't know why Amelia would ever pity _you_ since you are dating her older brother. But she does, somehow, and you can't quite figure all of that out.

You don't get to ask her about it more, though, because Derek is whisking you off again to get you home as soon as dessert is done.

You don't protest because he whispers in your ear that he wants you _all to himself._

You know that probably means getting you naked and you do want to sleep with him.

He takes you home and he takes all your clothes off and it's much better than the sex with Skippy Gold.

You fall asleep in his arms with him whispering "Addison, I want you and only you, and I want you to want me and only me…"

You whisper it back and you hope that Derek never changes.

So far he has been so charming and charismatic and kind.

He says he still doesn't talk about his dad dying and asks you never to ask him about it.

You say you won't.

You don't tell him that Amelia already told you the whole thing.

You don't tell him that Amelia said her dad got shot right in front of her when she was five and Derek was a bit older and he held her in his arms so she would stay quiet and safe.

You don't tell him that Amelia said her dad had just given her two pennies and she had been hiding them in a crack in the floorboard because she liked to save them up so she could one day buy a town.

You don't tell him you want to be friends with Amelia Shepherd.

Somehow, you know that this will only upset him.

Somehow, you know instinctively, that you can't have more than him in this arrangement, that he won't make it easy for you to get to know more of his family.

You try to justify this in your head to be something about the shooting or about his father that you never met.

You justify it somehow, and you tell yourself that this perfect man is allowed a few quirks.

Already you're keeping secrets from him, but he was keeping secrets from you, also.

As you fall asleep you feel more desired than ever before.

You feel tha you're going to have a magical love story where Derek wants you to be his private princess.

You wake up in his arms the next morning and he's staring at you and you stare into his eyes.

You're instantly charmed by those _dreamy Derek eyes_.

You think you could stare at them for the rest of your life.

_You'll change your mind at some point about that when you see the rage in his eyes..._

In the beginning, it was passionate and wonderful, and oh-so-loving.

In the beginning, you thought he was the love of your life.

In the beginning, he would take you out to the movies and out to dinner and kiss you under the streetlight.

In the beginning, you were still dating, with no strings until you had 'dating' strings.

In the beginning, it was all _so very easy..._

You had more strings once you become exclusive to each other.

You swooned when you heard him say "I want to make you _mine and only mine…_ "

It took a few outings but you got there, and he really wanted 'to make you _his_ '.

And you wanted to be only his.

You wanted to be his one-and-only.

You wanted to be in a relationship with one person and one person only just like your mother and father never had from each other.

You thought that he could be your 'one' and that you could be soulmates.

You thought that even though you still missed kissing women sometimes that he was a pretty good kisser and so that could be enough for you, because you were enough for him, _or so you thought…_

You were very soon his, you were his 'one and only' and he kept you to himself as much as he showed you off as a trophy to all of his friends.

Even Mark said he 'scored well' and you were flattered even though the phrasing seemed crude.

Mark was like that anyway, and you enjoyed Mark's deadpan snarking.

Sometimes you had to hide how much you liked to laugh at his jokes because Derek was eyeing you and you knew he would pick a fight later if you 'seemed like you were flirting with him'.

You never tell him things like 'don't flirt with any other people, you, either', because he wouldn't take it well but he doesn't seem to want to cheat on you anyway.

When you fight he makes it up to you with angry sex and you really get off on that so you let him screw you into submission before falling into his arms, yet again.

You let him control you a bit because he says that's how he shows that he loves you.

He says he loves you so much you don't need anybody else but you two.

He says it's you against the world, you'll be Derek and Addison.

You'll be better than any other couple all the way beyond medical school...

_You never thought that being someone's one and only would be so fucking lonely when Derek Shepherd eventually wouldn't let you talk to hardly anyone else..._

* * *

*

*

*

*

*

***** **END OF CHAPTER TWO**

* * *

_Author's Note:_

Well, I wanted to write Derek's family as mostly 'good'.

And to still have raised Mark as in Canon.

Therefore breaking the stereotype that all abusive men/women/people had abusive parents.

(As is, statistically, likely the case).

Anyway, I wanted Addison to have Amelia as a friend, at least, to thicken the story.

A lot of this again- is taken as early warning signs of abusive relationships.

Charm, charisma, possessiveness, sweeping declarations, sex as a distraction, isolation from friends and family, judgment, arrogance, resentment, wanting to be 'better than anyone else', and 'us against them' mentality, lies, withdrawal, hot and cold.

All of these are warning signs but they are subtle at first and very seductive, especially from someone 'seemingly harmless', and no one is immune to this.

At the end of the chapters I break down these patterns, both to showcase the 'how' of the writing, but also as a broader commentary on the topic of domestic violence.

These chapters will likely be all this length, hopefully, about 2000 words at a time.

Take care, everyone, see you soon in the comments.

I would love to know what you think about all of this!

CHEERS!

_bobbiejelly_

* * *

Dedications, May 30, 2020:

EVERYONE WHO READS CHAPTER 1 AND COMMENTS, LIKES, FAVORITES, FOLLOWS, ADDS TO READING LIST ETC.

Ao3:

5 Hits.

Fanfiction:

28 Hits.

Wattpad:

arizonaslesbianism, for the comments and star. JordynMarie05, addiesrep, danielaperezsurga, for the votes so far.

11 Reads, 4 Votes, 11 comments.

AND THANKS TO EVERYONE ELSE, WHO READS THIS, EVER!

* * *

_Ps. New MerAdd fics are up or updated, recently:_

[ **Prom?** ](https://archiveofourown.org/works/24438112)

####  [ **101 McDalmatians** ](https://archiveofourown.org/works/24442180)

[ **Five Reasons We Knew Calzona Was Made For Each Other & Five + More 6 Sentence Fics** ](https://archiveofourown.org/works/23515210)

####  [ **Move Over, Derek!** ](https://archiveofourown.org/works/24399436)

_... And there will eventually, soon be new Chapters of these ones up:_

####  [ **Second Person (The Diary of Addison Montgomery)** ](https://archiveofourown.org/works/24276160)

####  [ **Falling Apart, Barely Breathing** ](https://archiveofourown.org/works/23434480)

####  [ **Soothe** ](https://archiveofourown.org/works/24039004)

####  [ **A Seattle Grace Mercy West Swingers Party - Post Plane Crash Edition** ](https://archiveofourown.org/works/23604244)

####  [ **Out Of The Dark** ](https://archiveofourown.org/works/23528218)

Feel free to check them out, hopefully after you leave a note, and have a great day!

[ **_bobbiejelly_ ** ](https://archiveofourown.org/users/bobbiejelly/pseuds/bobbiejelly)


	3. ANNIVERSARIES

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Derek was allowed to miss anniversaries, but you weren't allowed without being yelled at. You're not sure how this makes sense, seeing as he has to remember them to tell you he's sorry in the damn first place. If he knows that he's wrong why doesn't he just celebrate it?

THIS CHAPTER HAS BEEN LAST UPDATED ON MAY 31, 2020.

_Author's Note:_

Thanks to those who have left comments so far!

Here is another right away.

Hope you enjoy, I'd love to hear your feedback at the end :D

_bobbiejelly_

* * *

**CHAPTER CONTENT WARNING:**

**SKIP TO THE TITLE CARD AT YOUR OWN RISK IF YOU DO NOT WANT SPOILERS.**

Destruction of property. Possessiveness. Controlling Behavior.

Graphic descriptions of domestic violence.

*Consensual straight sex.

While the sex between Addison and the AU-Abusive Derek Shepherd will be 'consensual', I recognize there is a limit to how 'consensual' sex can be in an abusive relationship. I guess what I'm trying to say is that I'm not writing about sexual abuse and/or rape, per se, Addison asks him for sex, or he does and she wants him, and it's an unhealthy dynamic because of what he does and the circumstances, but in this AU I guess I'm not writing that he's forcing himself upon her while she is saying no. That's where I draw my line in what I am comfortable with. This has been altered from my previous content warning, upon the guidance of reader feedback - thanks! Is it _sexual abuse and/_ _rape_? Yes. It has been brought to my attention that one of the scenes at the end of this chapter falls under the category of non-consensual sex/rape or at the very least, dubious consent.

I have altered the ratings on this to be 'creator chose not to use archive warnings,' because I feel that it's a tossup; all of these content warnings I feel are necessary, but I also feel like I'm giving everything away before it happens. Please let me know in the comments how you feel about these before-chapter preambles. Do you read them? Do they take away from your surprise? Do you value them? Do they help you out at all, or do you think they might? Do you think that they are adequate? Let me know, thank-you so much, dear readers.

_bobbiejelly_

* * *

**Love The Way You Lie**

* * *

_Derek Shepherd, your husband, hits you- but you stayed until you couldn't stand up anymore. Your best friend Mark Sloan helped you leave him and you two had some adulterous sex. When you see Derek again in Seattle with another woman, all you want is to save her from him. You didn't mean to fall in love with her. She wasn't supposed to fall in love with you, either. But you both did, anyway._

_-Addison Forbes Montgomery, for Meredith Grey_

_MerAdd. Meddison. F/F. Meredith Grey/Addison Montgomery. Rated E for Explicit. Grey's Anatomy & Private Practice Crossover._

_CW: Domestic Violence. Unhealthy Relationships - Physically & Emotionally Abusive Addek & MerDer. Also briefly okay (non-abusive), Maddison & Mark/Derek._

_*This story is entirely fictional. Please seek professional help for abusive relationships in yourself and others. Take all abuse seriously.*_

* * *

**Chapter 3: ANNIVERSARIES**

* * *

_Derek was allowed to miss anniversaries, but you weren't allowed without being yelled at. You're not sure how this makes sense, seeing as he has to remember them to tell you he's sorry in the damn first place. If he knows that he's wrong why doesn't he just celebrate it?_

You get married and it's romantic and Mark is there saying it's wonderful.

He's happy for you and he thinks you'll last forever.

He loves you both, as a friend.

_Mark loves you both…_

Mark is off getting laid, though, you think during part of the party.

Even your mother and father are here, and Derek works his charm on them and he won them over.

Susan Grant doesn't like Derek one little bit. She's at your wedding at your request and she pulls you aside and tells you he is a heartbreaker.

This is the first time you've ever disagreed with your former nanny.

_Years later, you'd have wished you'd tried harder to listen to her. She was a better parent to you than anyone else, after all…_

You hang out with Derek's sisters while he is off hanging out with Mark.

The moment he comes into eyesight though you rush over to join him because you know he gets especially upset when you talk with Amelia.

He checks your phone for text messages sometimes so you always delete ones from her.

_It's a bit creepy the way he wants to know the code for your phone, but maybe that's not unusual. You've never dated anyone else before other than Skippy Gold, so you're not really sure, and you have no one to ask about it, because you won't ask Sam or Naomi because they would probably tell Derek you asked that._

You spend your first year anniversary at the CN tower because he wants to take you abroad and that ends up being Canada.

He jokes about wanting to kidnap you away from the world. You laugh it off.

_You didn't know that he could take it almost so seriously._

By now you've had sex in so many places and you've gotten so good at it.

He's always on top of you, and you don't seem to mind.

He says he doesn't do it without being on top.

You ask him if he'd do it for you for your birthday.

He says no.

You never ask him ever again.

Your second anniversary you spend at work because he has surgery and so do you. You're still in medical school so being able to be on a surgical rotation is so special you don't want to miss it.

He still sneaks you away into a supply closed and fucks you rough up on the door.

You're pretty sure that people could hear you screaming if he hadn't gagged you with his entire hand.

_You learn later, rather than sooner, just how effective he is at making sure you stay quiet._

You tell him a quickie is a perfectly good present for an anniversary.

He doesn't say it back to you. You know he wants more than that from you. He's entitled to it, almost.

_He is because you let him be entitled to it._

You shower him with presents such as chocolates and books because you know that he likes them.

You don't buy him music because he doesn't like what you like and you only pretend to like what he likes.

He says thank you and he screws you all evening.

_Years later, you would remember this as your last 'good' anniversary with Derek Shepherd._

Your third anniversary he yelled at you more than he talked to you. By now you're fighting almost every day and sometimes you just need a break from him.

You lie and say you have a patient at the hospital so you can sleep over somewhere other than his bed.

You lock the door and pray that no one will find out that you're not at home with him.

You say you love him, he takes an hour to say it back. You take it anyway because you know he still loves you. _Right?_

Your fourth anniversary he spends the evening kicking the wall. By now you're both about to graduate from medical school and you're about to be matched for surgical placements.

You wanted to apply everywhere but he says if you love him you'll only put down the same exact choices as him. You do. And you end up getting into the same hospital, and still in New York.

_Would things have been better if you'd got placed somewhere else?_

Your fifth anniversary he spends kicking your shoes. He says he hates how they clog up the porch even though you put them in a neat line. You try to tell him not to because you love your shoes and they are expensive.

Derek keeps kicking, and you almost want to start crying but you don't cry in front of people and you won't cry in front of Derek. So you just watch as thousands of dollars of your favorite shoes are decimated under your feet.

_You should have taken that as a bad omen. You're a fucking doctor. You should have known…?_

Your sixth anniversary he spends kicking junior interns around on his service. He's drunk off the power of being more than the bottom of the surgical 'food chain'. He's a resident still, as are you, but he makes people shiver and shake when they've done something wrong.

_He makes you shiver and shake even when you've done nothing wrong._

You try to stand up for them but you get it all back tenfold later.

You hate yourself when you walk by without challenging him.

You hate yourself while he's berating you when you do.

You hate yourself more, lately, even more so than when you were younger.

You tell yourself it's normal to feel this way; everyone is stressed as a surgical resident, right?

_It takes a very long time before you learn that life doesn't have to be this hard all the time._

Your seventh anniversary you hide in your bedroom as he pounds at the door. He calls you a 'whore,' again because you spend so much time with Mark and Sam and Naomi. He doesn't understand the concept of 'just friends,' very well, which you realize is a bit hypocritical seeing as they're his friends as well and he hangs out with them all the time.

You'll never point that out to him, though. Especially not while he's drinking scotch and rattling at your door frame. He's not an alcoholic, either, but the sound of the bottle slamming onto the table makes you wince in the same way it always did when your father downed his fifth drink of the evening.

As a teenager, you figured out that 'The Captain Montgomery,' yells louder even while he was slurring.

Derek does the very same thing, it's uncanny. He's pretty good at holding his liquor, though. He doesn't slur nearly as much as your daddy.

_But he certainly sounds angrier than even your daddy was to your mother…_

Your eighth anniversary you call your brother from your boss's office because you realize you have not talked to him in months and months.

You thank your boss profusely for letting you use his phone; you know that Derek tracks all your calls, and if he sees more than a few that are not to him he threatens to make your life miserable, and you don't want to find out what he has in mind by that.

_You end up finding out some of that, anyway, soon enough…_

Your boss gives you a pitying look when he says to 'take all the time that you need,' and he locks you into his office. You kind of like that your boss pities you because at least he cares enough about you to differentiate you from Derek.

Most people can hardly tell the difference anymore because you spend every waking minute together.

_You're not sure if you're a different person from him anymore._

Your ninth anniversary he hits you for the first time. You're not even that surprised that it happened after all the punches he's thrown at the wall. This time the punch lands on your shoulder and it leaves a nasty bruise.

He grovels and tells you he's sorry and that he never meant to hit you and that it was an accident. He says he'll make it up to you, he says he'll kiss it better. He does, or he tries to and you let him have you. You want him, too. It's been long enough since you've been intimate and you've been feeling like you've been walking on eggshells.

That night, though, was like the beginning of the relationship the way you were breathing ragged and he was making you feel. You did it all evening again. You don't remember the last time you did it all night and all day.

You decide to forgive him for the punch because, as he said, he just missed, right?

_Years later, you'll realize he did miss because he was aiming for your stomach because it would hurt more and it would be easier for you to hide._

Over the course of the next year, he physically escalates a variety of times. You've been together for nearly a decade now and you're used to being his metaphorical punching bag whenever something goes wrong.

Being the literal one only seems like a natural continuation of your bitter existence. You still don't cry. You don't make a sound. He covers your mouth in a gag the same way he did years ago while making love to you. Back then it was to contain your screams out in ecstasy. Nowadays it's to contain your screams of pain and fear.

You think sometimes it's not normal, but in a way, you think that it is.

Your father hit your mother. Your father hit you once, albeit by accident, with that piece of glass that gave you a weeklong vacation from elementary school.

Although, you wished every day you could get away from the house with all the fighting.

This time there's no one to keep you home because Derek knows that you'll hide the scratches all on your own.

You buy makeup in bulk and you only wear sweaters. Sometimes he misses and hits your forearm so you need to have something so people don't ask you questions.

You go through life as a shell of yourself. You're not sure who you were before him. You're not sure if there'll be a life 'after him,'.

He threatens to kill himself if you leave him.

You've seen how fast he drives.

You know he could not be kidding.

He tells you that he's trying to be a better man for you.

He tells you that you make him into a better person.

He tells you you're the only one who can love him...

And that he's the only one who could ever love you.

_You start to slowly believe that last one. After all; who could love a girl covered in black and blue and yellow and purple and red marks, other than the person who gave them to you in the first place?_

Your tenth anniversary you can hardly walk from the strike marks. You have bags under your eyes and you pray he never messes up your fingers because you still have to work in the morning. You wonder how his hands are not bruised from hitting you but then again, he's used to it by now.

He's been doing this for over a year, every day now. It used to be once in a while, then once a month, and then once a week, and now it's nearly every day, with twice a day sometimes to make up for a day he forgot all about you entirely.

You flinch when he walks in the door because you know what's coming to you.

You know he'll start harder and then go slower.

You know after he's burned himself out he might even give you sex because he feels bad, and he says he still loves you, and he waits until you say that you'll always love him back, too.

_A very broken part of you probably always will, or at least, will always crave the adrenaline of the honeymoon good that always followed the bad._

Your eleventh anniversary he beat you until you couldn't stand up anymore.

You were already on your knees begging for him to stop it.

Usually, you took every lash but this time he beat you with a beer bottle.

You hadn't been hit by glass since your father cut you that one time when you stepped in the middle when he aimed at your mother.

It hurt much more this time because you knew it was directed only at you.

You know why he did it; you had forgotten this anniversary entirely.

You spaced through it because you can't sleep these days because you can't lie on your sides because of the scratches and you can't lie on your back because of the bite marks and you can't lie on your stomach because of the repeated punches right to your abdominals.

You don't know how you've kept this hidden for so long, but no one seems to be asking you any questions.

There's no one who cares about you around you.

You're still in New York but you're in a _real_ 'Hampton's', which you call non-ironically because it's a prestigious property in New York.

You don't let your brother visit because you know Derek will yell. You don't call Naomi because Derek will throw out your phone. You don't call Mark or Sam because if you talk to a man that isn't him or at work he slams you against the floor and sticks his foot into your back.

You forget the long list of rules sometimes because he's making it up as he goes.

You're on the ground bleeding this time, the cuts opening and oozing red blood.

He says morbidly that your blood matches your hair. He says it looks pretty on you, coating your outsides as he offers you sex all inside you.

You still want him to fuck you; you need to feel that kind of release.

If he's never going to leave you, you want the bad love better than none, either way.

"Derek, please, please, fuck me," you say because you want him to, and you know he wants you to beg him.

You know he likes that, and a part of you likes that it turns him on and gets him going for you.

Derek drops to the floor right beside you. He kisses you roughly and he handles you tenderly.

He's warming you up until you're ready to go and he is as well. You beg him again to screw you. And Derek does.

This time he's fucking you on the floor because you don't think you can stand. You don't think you can come to your knees, either.

But his fingers are delicate now, and he's switching from smacking to suckling you.

And you're not sure how one man is capable of both of such things.

But he is. He always is. And he's Derek Christopher Shepherd.

He's your husband of over a decade.

_You didn't know at the time that the eleventh anniversary would be your last with him. You never thought you'd ever have the courage to leave him. Maybe it won't stay, though. Because you see him again after you say 'goodbye,' but before you get a divorce. You know you have to see him again to get him to sign you the papers. You're not sure if you'll ever serve them to him, though. He knows and you know, that you just might come crawling back for even more._

* * *

*

*

*

*

*

***** **END OF CHAPTER THREE**

* * *

_Author's Note:_

Hope you liked these vignettes.

Somehow I'm really enjoying writing this story.

I never thought I would, but I do. Writing this angst is somehow cathartic...

More of this era of Addison's life might come back in flashbacks…?

I'm fighting a balance of wanting to express this story, but also wanting to move forward in time.

Let me know what you think of the pacing.

_bobbiejelly_

* * *

Dedications, May 30, 2020:

EVERYONE WHO READS CHAPTER 1 AND COMMENTS, LIKES, FAVORITES, FOLLOWS, ADDS TO READING LIST ETC.

Ao3:

AddisonAddek for the Comment, AddisonAddek, Hotgitay for the Kudos,

12 Hits.

Fanfiction:

62 Hits.

Wattpad:

arizonaslesbianism, for the comments and stars. JordynMarie05, addiesrep, danielaperezsurga, outlawqueenpercabeth, for the votes so far.

30 Reads, 8 Votes, 21 comments.

AND THANKS TO EVERYONE ELSE, WHO READS THIS, EVER!

* * *

_Ps. New MerAdd fics are up or updated, recently:_

[ **Prom?** ](https://archiveofourown.org/works/24438112)

####  [ **101 McDalmatians** ](https://archiveofourown.org/works/24442180)

[ **Five Reasons We Knew Calzona Was Made For Each Other & Five + More 6 Sentence Fics** ](https://archiveofourown.org/works/23515210)

####  [ **Move Over, Derek!** ](https://archiveofourown.org/works/24399436)

_... And there will eventually, soon be new Chapters of these ones up:_

####  [ **Second Person (The Diary of Addison Montgomery)** ](https://archiveofourown.org/works/24276160)

####  [ **Falling Apart, Barely Breathing** ](https://archiveofourown.org/works/23434480)

####  [ **Soothe** ](https://archiveofourown.org/works/24039004)

####  [ **A Seattle Grace Mercy West Swingers Party - Post Plane Crash Edition** ](https://archiveofourown.org/works/23604244)

####  [ **Out Of The Dark** ](https://archiveofourown.org/works/23528218)

Feel free to check them out, hopefully after you leave a note, and have a great day!

[ **_bobbiejelly_ ** ](https://archiveofourown.org/users/bobbiejelly/pseuds/bobbiejelly)


	4. MARK(S)

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> When you met Derek Shepherd you also met Mark Sloan.
> 
> You wonder what life might have been like if you had not chosen Derek, but Mark.
> 
> Something self-destructive in you seems to want to find out, for all the right reasons, but in all the wrong ways…

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This story has been gifted to the 3 people thus far, who have offered kudos, to date: Hotgitay, AddisonAddek, Arahneia.

BACK-EDITED ON JUNE 2, 2020.

_Author's Note:_

This story has been back-edited today, with renewed content warnings on chapters 1 and 2 and 3 to reflect some very valid concerns from readers.

Chapter 1 has been updated to include the lyrics to the titular song references, "Love The Way You Lie, parts 1 through 3."

In Chapter 2, if it was not clear what happened, Derek's dad did get shot as in canon in his store when Amelia was five years old and Derek was a little older than that. The plot of that chapter is that Derek never talks about his father to Addison, so Addison is about to ask if Mrs. Shepherd's husband is joining them, but Amelia Shepherd pulls Addie aside and explains how Derek lost his dad and how she watched it all happen, and so did Derek, and Addison never tells Derek that she does know the truth about this because Derek says he doesn't want to talk about his dad.

Chapter 3 has been updated to include more lines from the ending scene, and I encourage you to reread the end of that chapter before you begin, to give a little more context.

Otherwise, welcome to Chapter 4!

Thanks to those who have left comments so far.

Here's more to this painful story.

Hope to hear your thoughts at the end of it.

_bobbiejelly_

* * *

**CHAPTER CONTENT WARNING:**

**SKIP TO THE TITLE CARD AT YOUR OWN RISK IF YOU DO NOT WANT SPOILERS.**

Graphic Depictions Of Violence.

Abuse of many kinds.

Just a lot more of the bad shit.

It also will contain consensual straight female-male sex.

*While the sex between Addison and the AU-Abusive Derek Shepherd will be 'consensual', I recognize there is a limit to how 'consensual' sex can be in an abusive relationship. I guess what I'm trying to say is that I'm not writing about sexual abuse and/or rape, per se, Addison asks him for sex, or he does and she wants him, and it's an unhealthy dynamic because of what he does and the circumstances, but in this AU I guess I'm not writing that he's forcing himself upon her while she is saying no. That's where I draw my line in what I am comfortable with. This has been altered from my previous content warning, upon the guidance of reader feedback - thanks!

This chapter also contains adulterous sex between Addison and Mark. That is in itself consensual, but hesitant, and it's still all really messed up.

Anyway, that's your content warnings for you, and also spoilers…

(Do you like the content warnings? Do you find them helpful or do you find they ruin the story for you - do you just skip past them or do you read them? Do you want me to keep them up? I feel obligated to, but also I feel like it's getting in the way? Let me know in the comments…)

_bobbiejelly_

* * *

**Love The Way You Lie**

* * *

_Derek Shepherd, your husband, hits you- but you stayed until you couldn't stand up anymore. Your best friend Mark Sloan helped you leave him and you two had some adulterous sex. When you see Derek again in Seattle with another woman, all you want is to save her from him. You didn't mean to fall in love with her. She wasn't supposed to fall in love with you, either. But you both did, anyway._

_-Addison Forbes Montgomery, for Meredith Grey_

_MerAdd. Meddison. F/F. Meredith Grey/Addison Montgomery. Rated E for Explicit. Grey's Anatomy & Private Practice Crossover._

_CW: Domestic Violence. Unhealthy Relationships - Physically & Emotionally Abusive Addek & MerDer. Also briefly okay (non-abusive), Maddison & Mark/Derek._

_*This story is entirely fictional. Please seek professional help for abusive relationships in yourself and others. Take all abuse seriously.*_

* * *

**Chapter 4: MARK(S)**

* * *

_When you met Derek Shepherd you also met Mark Sloan._

_You wonder what life might have been like if you had not chosen Derek, but Mark._

_Something self-destructive in you seems to want to find out, for all the right reasons, but in all the wrong ways…_

The day after your eleventh anniversary with Derek, you can hardly walk.

Some of that is from the sex, you know. He gave it to you good last night, and for what it's worth you really, really wanted it.

You begged for it, practically. And he gave you exactly what you wanted.

_He doesn't give it to you until you beg him, but when you do, it feels really good._

You might hate Derek, but you don't hate 'doing it' with him.

That part still hasn't changed.

You wonder if that makes you a whore to stay with someone because they screw you good.

You decide that it doesn't because maybe if your mother was good enough at sex with your father than he wouldn't have to screw his secretaries.

You decide to never think such gross things about your parents, ever again.

_When you find out the truth about all that, it will be really confusing, and yet, somehow, comforting._

You go to work anyway, even though you can barely stand up after the beatings and subsequent sex.

When people ask why you're limping you tell him you had 'an exhausting night'. You smirk as if you're in on a secret, and they seem to take it as 'Derek must be an animal in bed for her,'.

_If they knew the half of it they probably wouldn't be smirking back at you._

The excuse seems to work for you, and even better, it feeds Derek's ego.

You realize his ego needs to be fed even more often than your mutual libido.

One feeds the other, it seems, and when you praise Derek to others, you're rewarded with orgasms that evening.

Sometimes you just have sex with him, without all the beatings.

Sometimes after it's really bad with him, you just sit down and watch 'good housewives,' with him on the couch and he strokes your back and you forget for a while what his rough hands feel like when they're slamming down on that part of you instead of rubbing in soothing circles.

_You always said that the good outweighed the bad until the day it didn't. You're not sure about that, always, but the day it got really bad you still didn't leave him quite yet for a while._

Derek goes away on a research conference to somewhere else (he didn't say where) for a week one time and for once you don't come along with him because your double fellowship exams are at the same time in New York.

He would never want you to fail out of school for him, because he says that he still wants you to be a successful surgeon, in your own right.

_You realize much later that he just didn't want to raise any eyebrows at your situation._

Your teacher hands you the exam and you know all the answers. This part is easy for you, at least. You still study sometimes with Derek, but you're doing different things now.

He went into neurosurgery just like he said he would. You studied neonatal and fetal surgery, then became a board-certified OB-GYN. You did genetics research in cystic fibrosis on top of that.

You needed an outlet, and more degrees seemed to be the solution. You're fascinated by women's health and you like to think that you can make the world better by helping people bring life into the world with your double-board-certified surgical fingers.

Every time you study it makes you forget everything else. It's the one thing you're good at, other than loving Derek, and it's the one thing you can get validation from outside of him.

It's also the perfect excuse to socialize because he can't be mad at you for talking to people you have group projects with.

Usually, that's your best friend Naomi Bennett, who also studies women's health. She's going to be a reproductive endocrinologist and fertility specialist.

You often chat with her about starting up a private medical practice together; combining your talents and making a go at the world.

Naomi likes the idea, she hopes to include Sam Bennett, who she married around the same time you married Derek.

Sam is a cardiologist, and he quit being a cardiac surgeon but he's still certified to work as one again if he ever wants to.

Along with Mark Sloan's talents at plastic surgery, you think the five of you could have a real go if you rented an office in the 'big apple' of New York City.

You do end up setting this all up sometime after your eleventh anniversary after you all pass your exams.

Your new business is flourishing. New people around every day means no more hospital staff wondering why you always wear long sleeves under your scrubs.

Mark, Naomi, and Sam have long since stopped asking you that because you get upset about it every damn time.

_You actually like that they ask because you consider coming clean every time. You know that as your friends they love you, and as friends, you love them all, too. But it's not the same way as loving Derek, and that Derek loves you..._

Anyway, one weekend Derek is out of town and that weekend Sam and Naomi were busy and so you hung out with Mark.

Mark found out about a few of your bruises because you were cooking dinner together and he bumped into your hip.

You winced and Mark could see the red mark on your midriff and he frowned at you for a second.

You lie about it, of course, but he spies another on your other side.

You say it was an accident. You can tell he doesn't fully believe you.

But he can tell you're not going to talk about it. So he doesn't ask you again. And you never tell.

_You don't want to hurt Mark by telling him that his best friend is a monster. You know that as a best friend, Mark loves Derek, and as a best friend, Derek loves Mark, too. Other than you, Mark is the person Derek loves more than anything, and you don't ever want to take his best friend away from him…_

_Years later, after all of this happened between the three of you, you'll have no idea how your lives ever got this insane._

Naomi sometimes asks you to hang out on the weekends, or even on weeknights.

You run out of academic-related excuses because she's in a similar program and she already knows your schedule.

You want to go to the movies, or go to a bookstore, or just lie on her couch and eat takeout.

You want to, but you don't, because you know that Derek will just kick you, literally, if he finds out that you're not at home by six o'clock.

_You found that out the hard way when you went to get coffee with Naomi one day after work. His toe collided with your calf and then your other one right after that. He called you a 'two-timing-lesbian-slut,' and accused you of cheating on him with your platonic best friend. You don't know how or when he found out you liked women, too, but ever since, he limits the time you can spend with your female friends as well as your male ones._

You know you're hurting Naomi by telling her 'no,'. You can see the insecurity in her face when you turn her down. You can tell she is thinking that you don't want her as a friend anymore.

You promise her you would if you could.

_You really would if you could just ditch Derek, but you know that you can't._

Naomi says that she misses you.

You tell her you see her at work every day.

Nai tells you it's not the same, that you used to hang out in medical school and through your fellowships, but now you never make time for her, ever.

You decide to book a fake consultation for yourself with her in her office just so you can close all the shades and hang out with her and Sam in private without Derek on a day he's not working.

It's enough for her for a while. Sam and Naomi lie for you and say they were having sex and that's why the blinds were closed. You make sure you're never seen when you do this, because if Derek caught wind of a rumor that you were 'in a threesome with Sam and Naomi,' you're not sure what he would do to your body at this point, and you never, ever want to find out.

_Derek never knew about this, he never found out how you hung out with your friends…_

But you stopped it anyway after the second time because it was too risky because he worked at the practice as well. You knew you were putting them at risk in addition to you, and you cared about Sam and Naomi too much to let them be hurt by Derek directly as well.

When they ask you to book another 'consultation,' with them to watch a movie, you say no because you hate lying about it.

_It's more than a half-truth, but more than a half-lie. You hate lying and sneaking around, but it's because you don't want to get caught in case you get yourself nearly killed._

Eventually, they don't want to hang out with you anyway.

Derek started spreading nasty rumors about you, how you are a liar, how you are a whore. He tells anyone and everyone who will listen that you can't be trusted. He turns your best friends and colleagues against you.

You have not really talked to Mark since that weekend when Derek was alone. Since Mark saw the marks on your hip, you have barely seen him and you don't think that's an accident.

You think Mark might have told Derek about your suspicious bruising, and so he's keeping him out of your reach.

Since you don't work at the hospital anymore, the only people you see day-to-day are at your practice in New York, and Derek has charmed even the secretary not to be friends with you.

You see people every day but you're still lonely.

You have a _husband_ who says he loves you and you say you love back, but all you feel is empty inside except for the pit you always have in your stomach from not knowing when the next outburst will happen. Usually, it's within a few hours.

It always used to be at your house, but Derek has gotten more creative about beating you up at your workplace as well.

He's a co-owner, just like you all are, so he has the keys to your office as well.

He checks your schedule and when there's no one else, he corners you in your office and he pulls down the shades.

Everyone just assumes that you're 'getting laid'.

You're getting laid down on your back with your hands in the air.

He throws you to the ground after he slams against the wall.

Everyone hears that, probably, and assumes it's a steamy makeout.

It's a sweaty session for him, mauling you with his fists and his feet.

He takes off your clothes, not to sleep with you, but so you won't rip them up and have to change into others mid-day.

He does everything to make sure he's not caught in the act.

_Everyone thinks he doesn't want to get caught in the act of making love to you._

_He doesn't want to get caught making it clear his way of loving you is really hurting you._

You used to almost want him to beat you because he'd make it up to you with kisses and cuddles and sex.

He doesn't do all that anymore very often, or hardly ever at all.

He just hurts you while he tells you he loves you and he pulls on your hair until you say it back.

When you ask why he hurts you if he loves so much, he tells you that you are insane, and that you're mentally unwell, and that you're not worth it to be loved by anybody but him.

Derek tells you you're more worthless than a piece of trash.

_It takes you years to call his behavior 'a piece of trash,'._

Derek just leaves you high and dry in your office, he goes about his day without any consoling at all. He says you're not a baby anymore. He says you don't need to be treated like a damn child. He says '"grow up, stop acting out, get over yourself, Addison. You're just an attention-seeking slut who wants sex all the time. Go away. Get out of my face, or I'll kick you again."

You go to walk away, he grabs your wrist and slams the door behind you.

He smirks on his way out like he's won the lottery.

No one walks in after him because he tells them you're fucked out and you need some time to put your clothes on again.

You do need a minute, he's right, to put your clothes back on.

But it's not as if you were having orgasms when he was tearing them off of you in the first place.

You used to think of the hot sex as the best part of your dynamic.

Now he usually leaves you out in the cold without all of it.

The only times he touches you are to lay a hand on you.

He doesn't let anyone else touch you or he beats up on you twice over.

You feel so deprived of human touch and connection, you start to crave even the beatings because at least then someone wants something to do with your body.

You don't feel desirable because he says that you aren't.

You don't feel smart anymore because he says you're stupid.

You don't feel good anymore because he says you're a terrible person.

You don't feel like you're worth loving anymore because he says even to him, that you're hardly worth loving, and that you're just a burden.

You don't feel like you're a person anymore, because he says you're the reincarnation of Satan.

The next time Mark Sloan notices the bruises on your hips, Derek is away on a research grant again.

This time you take your shirt off and you take your pants off in front of Mark.

You lay bare your broken body just to show someone the damn truth for once.

Mark says that he's sorry and he asks what he can do for you.

You ask him to make love to you because you have not felt loved in long past eons ago.

Mark says he doesn't know if he could do that to his childhood best friend, Derek, no matter how much he's attracted to you, no matter how fond of you he's always been, no matter how jealous he's always been of your best friend.

You tell Mark that as a friend, that you love him, too.

Mark tells you that as a friend, that he loves you, too. And that he's always secretly loved you as more than that, also. He tells you all the things Derek used to say to you.

When Mark calls you beautiful, you take his hands and move his wrists to the marks on your hips and you ask him to kiss you and to hold you and to cuddle you and to cradle you in his arms after he makes love to you.

Mark asks what he'll tell Derek after this happens.

You tell him Derek will never have to find out.

Mark agrees because he thinks Derek is far from New York.

_Mark could not have ever been more wrong in his life about that fact._

You're in the Brownstone, now. It's one of yours and Derek's shared properties.

You've led him up to Derek's bedroom that you sometimes share with him, dropping his jacket on the damn floor.

You've sat him down on Derek's bed, taking all of your clothes off, and even more.

You've taken all of everything, and you're taking off his clothes as well.

You ask Mark to kiss you again, and this time, he does, because he actually really wants to, because he wants you that way, too, and he says that he always has.

_You wish you'd picked him instead of Derek._

You ask Mark to make love to you, and this time, he does, because he actually really wants to, because he wants you that way, too, and he says that he always has.

_You wish you'd chosen him instead of Derek._

You ask Mark to keep going as long as he can last, and this time, because he actually really wants to, because he wants you that way, too, and he says that he always has.

_You wish you'd loved him instead of Derek._

When Derek Christopher Shepherd walks in on both of you naked in his bed together, right in the throes, he politely asks Mark to leave and to take his damn jacket home.

Mark does, and he gives you only a grunt when he leaves you alone with your husband.

_Derek waits until Mark is long gone so he can give you your punishment._

_You know this will be the punishment of a lifetime._

_You know you're about to meet your maker - but will this be for the very last time in your life?_

You don't remember what happened after that.

All you remember is Derek breaking a bottle of beer over your head completely on purpose.

And then he beat you with it until you saw white and black.

_You were out cold on his bedroom floor for so long, that when you woke up, it was morning,_

You open your eyes and you don't get to blink them again before he's hitting you again.

Derek Christopher Shepherd is punching, and kicking, and scratching, and cutting, and scraping you, and dragging you across the floor by your hair.

You don't remember what happened after that.

_All you remember is that the second time you blacked out, you weren't sure if you were ever coming back out of it alive again._

* * *

*

*

*

*

*

***** **END OF CHAPTER FOUR**

* * *

_Author's Note:_

*Author's notes have been added on June 2, 2020, to reflect feedback from comments. Some of the replies were copied here:

A previous version of this text said 'boyfriend' in relevance to Derek. No, Addison was not cheating on Derek until she did with Mark, this was an error and has since been edited to have the word 'husband' to make that more clear.

Yes, Addison does enjoy the sex with Derek. Addison also enjoys it with Mark before she is interrupted (by Derek...). Canonically, I think Addison does have a penchant for rough sex anyway...

-Addison likes sex in general, and has a combination of liking rough sex (I feel like that’s canonical anyway at this point, given the scene we got with Mark in PP and also her dating Kevin, which immediately brought up thoughts of Addison in handcuffs it was implied...), and liking sex because it comes periodically as an end to the beatings. Either way, she does want the sex when she asks for it and Derek wants to have sex with Addison when he offers it. Neither is forcing the other to have sex, but sometimes Derek deprives Addison of sex. (Is that more clear?)

At this point in the story she still loves sex with Derek and that is part of why she stays so long, because Derek gives her just enough sex for her to cling on to him.

(It's very manipulative and cold, but no, Derek is not forcing himself upon her when she doesn't want sex, nor is she forcing Derek to have sex when he doesn't want to.)

-Mark doesn’t know what Derek is capable of because Derek lies to Mark and says Addison is a liar in a form of double barrelled-gaslighting; he tells everyone around her not to trust Addison, including Mark, and Derek tells Addison she can't believe even herself until she doubts her own memories and experiences.

-Mark as Derek’s best friend of many years still wants to believe his best friend.

-Addison even wants to protect Mark from knowing the truth about his best friend because, as a friend, she also loves Mark.

Yes, the timeline is really hard to articulate, because it's hard to pinpoint exactly when they started their practice in New York and when they all finished medical school.

I realize that opening up a practice and leaving it within a year doesn't make a lot of sense, but I guess it had to happen given the way the last chapter ended.

Anyway, aside from that I hope you enjoyed this next installment of this story.

Leave a note, the comments have been really positive and also helpful when there is any inconsistency.

Yes, this story will get better, eventually, probably?

Thanks,

_bobbiejelly_

* * *

Dedications, May 31, 2020:

EVERYONE WHO READS THIS SO FAR AND COMMENTS, LIKES, FAVORITES, FOLLOWS, ADDS TO READING LIST ETC.

Ao3:

AddisonAddek for the Comments.

Arahneia, AddisonAddek, Hotgitay for the Kudos.

1 Subscription. 10 Hits. 4 Comment Threads.

Fanfiction:

Anne for the Review.

rhi bradley, for the Follow.

169 Hits.

Wattpad:

new_being, outlawqueenpercabeth, arizonaslesbianism, for the comments and stars. JordynMarie05, addiesrep, danielaperezsurga, for the votes so far.

79 Reads, 16 Votes, 34 comments. Many people, who added this to their reading lists.

AND THANKS TO EVERYONE ELSE, WHO READS THIS, EVER!

* * *

_Ps. New MerAdd fics are up or updated, recently:_

[ **Prom?** ](https://archiveofourown.org/works/24438112)

####  [ **101 McDalmatians** ](https://archiveofourown.org/works/24442180)

[ **Five Reasons We Knew Calzona Was Made For Each Other & Five + More 6 Sentence Fics** ](https://archiveofourown.org/works/23515210)

####  [ **Move Over, Derek!** ](https://archiveofourown.org/works/24399436)

_... And there will eventually, soon be new Chapters of these ones up:_

####  [ **Second Person (The Diary of Addison Montgomery)** ](https://archiveofourown.org/works/24276160)

####  [ **Falling Apart, Barely Breathing** ](https://archiveofourown.org/works/23434480)

####  [ **Soothe** ](https://archiveofourown.org/works/24039004)

####  [ **A Seattle Grace Mercy West Swingers Party - Post Plane Crash Edition** ](https://archiveofourown.org/works/23604244)

####  [ **Out Of The Dark** ](https://archiveofourown.org/works/23528218)

Feel free to check them out, hopefully after you leave a note, and have a great day!

[ **_bobbiejelly_ ** ](https://archiveofourown.org/users/bobbiejelly/pseuds/bobbiejelly)

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> THANK YOU!


	5. RECOVERY?

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> When you wake up after Derek Christopher Shepherd, your husband beat you for the second time for cheating on him with Mark Sloan - for the first time! It was only one time! You never ever cheated on him before! - , you're cold. You're freezing cold. You slowly open your eyes and you realize you're on the front porch of the Brownstone and you don't have a key to get in. You call out to Derek but he isn't answering. Maybe he's not even there? You pass out again.
> 
> When you wake up the time after that, you're not shivering out in the rain still…
> 
> In fact, you feel all warm and cozy. But where the hell are you, now, anyway..???!!!!!

UPDATED JUNE 2, 2020.

_Author's Note:_

Chapter 4 has been back-edited to edit the word 'boyfriend' with Addison talking about Derek to 'husband'. No, Addison was not having an affair until she had that one with Mark.

About the sex: Addison does enjoy the rough sex with Derek, and she wants it especially after he beats her, because she's been conditioned to take that as a sign that it's over. Derek enjoys the sex with Addison. Sometimes Derek deprives Addison of sex, but he does not force Addison to have sex when she does not want to have it, and Addison does not force Derek to have sex when he does not want to have it.

It's very problematic and an unhealthy dynamic, but I did not want to write about one of them forcing the other to have sex beyond their will, or while one of them is saying no. Addison does want sex with Mark, and Mark does want to have sex with her at the end of the last chapter, though they both know/feel it's wrong because they know they are cheating, they both end up being willing and consensual participants of the affair.

 _Gaslighting_ is the term that is used to describe what Derek was doing both to Addison and everyone around her. Derek is telling Addison how she's not to be believed, so she doesn't trust even herself. Derek also tells everyone around her she's a liar and turns them against her, and does this with Mark. This is why Mark does not know what Derek is doing to Addison.

For more info on that, feel free to research gaslighting in abusive relationships.

Hope that helps, I realize I may have to be clearer as an author… Oops, working on it!

This chapter is named after the Eminem album which hosts "Love The Way You Lie," Recovery.

Thanks for all the comments on this, it's very helpful to have reader feedback.

Otherwise, welcome to Chapter 5!

Thanks to those who have left comments so far.

Here's more to this painful story.

Hope to hear your thoughts at the end of it.

_bobbiejelly_

* * *

**CHAPTER CONTENT WARNING:**

**SKIP TO THE TITLE CARD AT YOUR OWN RISK IF YOU DO NOT WANT SPOILERS.**

**MAJOR SPOILERS AHEAD SO CHOOSE WHAT YOU NEED.**

Profound trauma associated with the abusive relationship.

The aftermath of violence.

Abortion.

This fanfiction is pro-choice, and also canon-compliant (mostly?) for that point at least.

Not necessarily a happy ending.

Mentions of suicide as a concept, but not of suicidal thougts, ideations, or of a suicide attempt.

_bobbiejelly_

* * *

**Love The Way You Lie**

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_Derek Shepherd, your husband, hits you- but you stayed until you couldn't stand up anymore. Your best friend Mark Sloan helped you leave him and you two had some adulterous sex. When you see Derek again in Seattle with another woman, all you want is to save her from him. You didn't mean to fall in love with her. She wasn't supposed to fall in love with you, either. But you both did, anyway._

_-Addison Forbes Montgomery, for Meredith Grey_

_MerAdd. Meddison. F/F. Meredith Grey/Addison Montgomery. Rated E for Explicit. Grey's Anatomy & Private Practice Crossover._

_CW: Domestic Violence. Unhealthy Relationships - Physically & Emotionally Abusive Addek & MerDer. Also briefly okay (non-abusive), Maddison & Mark/Derek._

_*This story is entirely fictional. Please seek professional help for abusive relationships in yourself and others. Take all abuse seriously.*_

* * *

**Chapter 5: RECOVERY?**

* * *

_When you wake up after Derek Christopher Shepherd, your husband beat you for the second time for cheating on him with Mark Sloan - for the first time! It was only one time! You never ever cheated on him before! - , you're cold. You're freezing cold. You slowly open your eyes and you realize you're on the front porch of the Brownstone and you don't have a key to get in. You call out to Derek but he isn't answering. Maybe he's not even there? You pass out again._

_When you wake up the time after that, you're not shivering out in the rain still…_

_In fact, you feel all warm and cozy. But where the hell are you, now, anyway..???!!!!!_

When you wake up, the first person's voice you hear is not Derek Shepherd's but Mark Sloan's.

You hear Mark's voice humming and that's your first clue as to where you even are.

You feel like you're encased in something, and you realize you're covered in a cocoon of soft blankets.

You open your eyes and you squint because of the light.

You're in a bedroom, but you're not sure which.

It's not your bedroom, it's not Derek's bedroom.

_You're in Mark's bedroom, in Mark's bed, in Mark's apartment._

"Addison?" You hear Mark from across the room.

He's calling to you, looking at you curiously.

_How long were you down for? And how did you get here? And why are you wrapped up in Mark's blankets?_

"Addison?" You hear Mark calling out to you again and you realize you're supposed to answer.

"Addison?" Mark calls out a third time.

"Mark?" You ask, voice breaking and weak.

"Oh, goodness, you're awake," Mark says to you in a compassionate voice.

"Derek?" You ask a million questions in a single word.

"He's not here. I didn't call your husband. I didn't tell him you are here," Mark articulates sadly.

You wonder what Mark knows, what he has suspected. You wonder why he is with you and not him (Derek, his best friend and your husband of over ten years).

"Why?" You ask Mark, with all the pleading of all you've ever wanted to know about the man who is not your husband.

"I have no idea why Derek does this to you," Mark sighs, and you realize he didn't know what you were asking 'why,' about, but at least he gave you the answer to something else you've been wondering for a very long time.

_Mark doesn't seem like he's lying. You guess that Mark never knew what Derek was capable of. You hid it from him, too, because as your friend you love him, too. And you didn't want Derek to hate Mark._

"I can't believe I hate Derek," Mark says to you, a bit bewildered, while also mirroring your inner thoughts.

"I'm sorry," you say because you really are.

"It's not your fault, it's his. You weren't the one hitting him, and even if you were, he's twice your size," Mark justifies.

"I never hit him. I wanted to sometimes, but I never did," you finally admit to Mark.

You realize you've never, ever told this story to anyone in your entire life.

You relish the moment because you know it won't last.

_You don't love retelling this part of your history, but there is something cathartic about it, sometimes._

"I love you, too," Mark finally says to you and it makes you jump back six paces.

"What the fuck, Mark?!" You yell at him louder than you wanted to because he winces and you say you're sorry again.

"I didn't mean to, because you're my ex-best friend's girl, but I did- I fell for you and I just wanted you to know someone else loves you, that's all," Mark tries to articulate.

_You wished again, at that moment, you'd fallen for Mark and not Derek._

"You shouldn't love me. I'm not worth loving. You're fucked up if you try," you yell bitterly, repeating all the things Derek has instilled in you, time and time again, making you repeat it out like a mantra until you believe it's true.

"I am fucked up, Red. Not from you, though," Mark sighs.

You try not to smile when he calls you 'Red,'. He always has called you that, and you always liked it, but Derek hit you when you smiled at your nickname from him.

"You are," you agree, based on your previous statement.

"I am," Mark just sighs at you, shrugging, but smiling himself.

_His smirk is uncanny. It makes you really want to smile. Mark is rough on the outside and soft on the inside. Derek is soft on the outside and rough on the inside. You're not sure which is worse. You're starting to know which is better, or so you think now, anyway…_

"How did Derek get like this?" You ask Mark, assuming he knows what you mean by 'like this,'.

"I don't know," Mark shrugs. "It's not like one of those cliché stories where he was abused by his stepdad or something. He doesn't have a stepdad. He hasn't had a dad since Amelia was five and Derek was a little older than that. They both watched him get shot in his own store. These robbers wanted his father's watch that Carolyn Shepherd, Derek's mom, bought him after saving up for almost a year," Mark reveals.

You nod along and he realizes you already knew most of that story already.

"Did Derek ever tell you that story?" Mark asks you.

You shake your head no, he relaxes and says "of course," because Mark knows and you know that Derek never ever talks about his dad.

"Who told you?" Mark asks you. Like he just wants to know, and not like he's going to tattle on you to his… Derek… Afterward.

"Amelia," you sigh, deciding that if he's going to tell you the truth so will you to Mark.

"Derek is not a big fan of Amelia," Mark sighs, telling you something you already know.

"Why?" This time it's your turn to ask that big question.

"Don't ever tell anyone, not Amelia, not Derek, not anyone else, that I know this, or how, but before Derek's dad died, Mr. Shepherd promised Amelia that she could have his watch after he died. Mr. Shepherd had not planned to die shortly after that, of course. Mr. Shepherd thought that he'd die years and years later, and that Amelia could have it as a gift around the time she was finishing college. But Amelia already had her dad's word, and so after the shooting, Amelia got that watch, and Derek got nothing, and he's resented her, ever since," Mark explains.

"Do you- Did Derek's mom ever hit anyone? Was it that? Or their grandparents or an aunt of an uncle or friend or-?" You cut yourself off because you're rambling again but Mark seems to understand what you're asking him.

"Not that I know of, and I really don't think so, especially Carolyn, Derek's mom, would never hurt a fly, and I lived at Derek's more than my own house," Mark explains. "My family was rich but cold. Never hit anyone or yelled or anything, they were just not really interested so I was at the Shepherd's house and they were just fine with that," Mark explains.

"So it's just Derek?" You ask, and you realize this might be a dumb question.

"Probably?" Mark just shrugs, then adds, "You've met Nancy, Kathleen, Amelia and Carolyn Shepherd, right? You and I both probably don't think they're beating people up. Not that women can't be abusive partners just as well as men can, but I just don't think they are, and I don't think that you do, either. The only reason why I'm saying probably is that I didn't know Derek was doing this to you, either, and I'm so, so, so, sorry, Red," Mark apologizes profusely.

"It's not your fault," you explain. "If anyone is at fault, it's mine. I did all the things that made Derek mad, like I talked to the wrong people, or I came home too late, or I messed up or something, it's not your fault, Mark," you ramble again.

"It's not your fault either," Mark tries to counter, but you don't really get it.

_It will take you years and years to finally 'get it,' that it was never your fault, to begin with._

"Yes, it is," you try to rationalize.

"No, it isn't," Mark sighs, and you stop trying to convince him for the moment even though you still disagree with him because you know you're testing his patience and you don't want him to be angry at you, too.

"It's not Derek's fault, either," you try. "Derek's just troubled. He says I make him better and I'm the only one that can love him, and he loves me, too," you say to Mark.

Mark winces, and you're not sure if it's for you or for Derek. Probably both at this point.

_Mark loves you both._

"I'm not going to fight with you, Red. I'm not going to fight you or hit you, and I don't want to argue with you, either. You're hurt, I'm here. I'll take care of you for a while if you want me to. I won't tell Derek where you are, I won't tell anyone else. I can't promise to protect you, but I'll promise I'll try," Mark offers valiantly.

_You wish you loved Mark and not Derek._

"You're the nicest person on the whole planet," you say, and you really mean it.

Mark tears up at that. You've never seen Mark cry. You've never seen Derek cry, either, actually.

You think Mark is crying because of your compliment.

_Years later, he'll tell you he was crying for you because he learned then that nobody ever treated you good._

_Then he'll cry again and say that he wished he treated you better than he ended up doing at the very end of it._

_You'll tell Mark that he did more for you than anyone else you'd ever met up until that point, except maybe your brother Archer but he didn't save you and you (Mark), did, so you'll never forget that even if things didn't work out because he fucked up so things didn't go his way in the end…_

Mark says he loves you even if you still love Derek more than him and you always will, no matter how fucked up that is.

You just say 'thank you," and Mark just grunts and nods back up at you.

Mark asks if you ever wanted to end your own life.

You say you never did and you still don't and you realize that through all of this, that's still true, and you say you would never wish Derek dead, either, even if you secretly hate him sometimes.

Mark says he's glad you are not and never have been suicidal.

You ask if Mark is or if he has ever been.

He says no.

You say you're glad.

It's the closest thing you will ever come to saying you love Mark, and he seems to know that…

_Years later, you'll reflect on this, and Mark will reveal how strong he thinks you always were because all throughout hell on earth you never wanted your life to be over. You say you liked the way it hurts. Mark will say that he'll never understand that. You'll say that he basically does because he risked it all to save you and he left his best friend, and picked you and not Derek, at least for a little while. Mark will tell you he wishes you didn't feel so guilty about that. You won't have anything to say back as an answer except for a 'thank you…'_

You finally ask Mark how the hell you got into his apartment and why you're not soaking wet from the rain anymore.

"When I left, after Derek came back the Brownstone, after we-" Mark cuts himself off but you know what he's talking about.

_After we, Mark and I, had adulterous sex in my still-husband Derek Shepherd's bed…_

"I never left you, you know, I was there hidden underneath the window the whole time," Mark confesses.

If this were another boy or if this were another man you might think that would be creepy, but in this circumstance you're delighted because it's probably the sweetest thing any boy has ever done for you, to stay around to see if you end up alive.

_You realize you haven't had much luck in the boy-department, up until now, or maybe you just make shitty choices with them. Probably it's that last one, you think. It's your fault after all..._

"Thank you, for staying, you didn't have to," you start to grovel, and Mark shakes his head at you.

You think that Mark is saying to you 'yes I did, I did have to stay, I had to see if you were okay because I wanted you, and I still do…'

_Years later, Mark will tell you he didn't stay just because he wanted to have sex with you, he stayed because he actually cared about you, even as just a friend he still loved you, and that he winced because he realized how broken you were because you always felt that you had to grovel._

"I stayed," Mark continues. "I heard a lot of banging. Literal beer bottles banging and I heard him beating you up. I could hear him yelling but I couldn't hear you screaming. I could hear him kicking but I couldn't hear you kicking. I could hear everything stop and then start up again in the morning. I stayed under the streetlight until dawn," Mark explains to you.

You tear up at how Mark stood out in the rain for you.

_Derek didn't stand in the rain for you. He left you out in the rain then he left. He left you there to freeze to death or maybe worse. You don't know. You never asked. You don't want to know._

"Did Derek leave?" You ask, because you're not sure where Mark fits into the story along with Derek in this messed-up timeline.

"Eventually, I think he ran out of scotch, probably," Mark explains how he waited for Derek to lock the door behind him with his beaten wife, Addison out in the rain on his doorstep, and how he scooped her up and brought her home before Derek could come back for her, later.

"Why?" You ask him. You're asking him 'why would you risk your damn skin to rescue the likes of me, if I was out probably dying, and you could have been beaten yourself by your very best friend…'

_Mark never answers that question for you, but you figure out it had something to do with the 'I love you's' that he said a few times before now, already._

"I don't know why Derek would leave you on his doorstep, for what it's worth, from his perspective it was a really dumb move because anyone could have called the police on him," Mark says objectively.

"The police?" You say in alarm. "Why call the cops? Did he steal something?" You ask thickly.

"Domestic violence is a crime, you can't just leave your partner on your damn doorstep after hitting them, he could have gotten arrested," Mark explains scientifically.

"But Derek's not like that," you protest. "Derek just loves me in a special way," you insist. "Derek still loves me…" You say, albeit more weakly than before.

"I still just don't know, I'm sorry, Red. I'm just telling you the parts that I do know, and I'm telling you the whole truth now, but if you don't believe me I get that," Mark says tenderly.

"I'm sorry," you apologize again.

"You don't have to be," Mark says like it's nothing.

"I am, though," you say to Mark.

"I know," Mark sighs, and you see him sitting there all alone on his chair and you offer to come to cuddle with him because he's sad, but then you go to move and you can't sit upright that well and Mark shakes his head and says you don't have to.

"Do you want me to come closer?" Mark asks you nervously.

"Do you want to?" You ask Mark.

"I asked you first," Mark counters determinedly.

"Only if you want to," you offer Mark.

"You didn't answer my question," Mark says sadly, and you can't figure out why.

_Years later, you'll realize how Mark wanted you to try to set your own boundaries, but that you were too messed up psychologically at that point to catch on to that, at that point._

"I'm lonely and I want you to come closer, but only if you want to, and only if you're sure that I won't fuck you up even more," you finally answer.

Mark realizes it's the closest thing he's going to get to an answer, and he crawls very slowly towards you.

_Years later, you'll realize he was giving you a chance to change your mind and say 'no,' in case you weren't ready to have him close to you like that. You'll thank him for it at some point, but you're never sure if he fully remembers how significant a moment it was for you back then._

Mark comes closer to you and you wrap your arms around him and stroke his hair and you say you want to make it all better.

You hold him like you hold Derek when he's groveling for your forgiveness. Mark is groveling but not for your forgiveness, he's groveling in grief for the situation. But you don't get that at the time and you try to comfort him.

Mark starts crying and you hold onto him tighter and give him a kiss on the head.

You still love Derek at this point no matter how much he almost killed you, but as a friend, you always loved Mark and you still do, so even though you still love your husband and Mark knows that and he doesn't try to win you over or change you, Mark keeps crying harder, and you keep holding tighter, and you don't cry even when Mark asks you why you aren't after all of this mess.

_Years later, Mark will confess he was crying FOR you, and how he was sorry you had to go through this and after all of it you were comforting him, too._

_You'll say it was nothing, it was just an instinct. Then Mark will say you're too good for him, and that you always were._

_Mark will say you were always too good for Derek and far too good for him, also. You'll be confused because you've never met someone better than him even though he fucked it all up, too. Mark will say you deserve someone better than both of them combined. You'll try to get him back but Mark will walk away. You won't understand until years after that how kind he was to step aside just for you..._

Mark asks you to stay to keep him company after he's just lost his best friend in his eyes.

You say "okay," just for him and also selfishly, a little bit for you, for a break from Derek for a little while.

_Years later, Mark will confess he asked you that, in that way, because he knew you were too broken to do anything for yourself and not other people. Mark will say that he knows it was a manipulative thing for him to do, but he couldn't think of another option for keeping you safe. You'll forgive him wholeheartedly and explain that no one has ever lied to protect you before except maybe your brother Archer Montgomery, and he'll say he's sorry. Again. And so will you._

You and Mark stay that way for a long time. Maybe 60 days? Maybe a full two months?

You're not sure because you don't leave the apartment because you don't want to, and Mark never makes you, until you're ready.

During that time, Derek calls you every single day and you want to answer but Mark says it's a bad idea and you don't answer for him and not you because he says I'll make him sad if you answer him.

_Mark says this because he doesn't want Derek to hurt you more..._

During this time, Mark says that he (Mark) and Sam and Naomi and Derek all still work at the practice in New York, and that you 5 all still live in this city, and that it's okay if you can't come back for a while.

_You wonder how Sam and Naomi are but you'll never call them to ask them._

_You wonder even more how Derek is doing because you still love him despite everything he done to you, ever._

_You ask Mark a few times in the beginning, but he doesn't want to talk to you about Derek, and he just says curtly that Sam and Naomi are also fine..._

You ask Mark if he wants to have sex a few times.

He says he doesn't.

You know Mark is lying because he looks at you 'that way,' all the time when he thinks you can't see him.

You don't understand why he doesn't say 'yes,' to you again, but you figure it's because he's scared of what Derek might say or do if he finds out he cheated with you again, after the first time.

_Years later, Mark will tell you it's because first of all, he didn't want you to get hurt if Derek ever found out you slept with him again after the first time. Second of all, he didn't think he was good enough for you and he still doesn't. Third of all, that he knew if he slept with you again that he'd fall hopelessly in love with you and he didn't want to do that because he knew he was no good for you…_

_You'll say that you wished things had been different, that maybe you two could have had a shot at things if it hadn't all been fucked up after what happened. Mark will say that "I'm still no good for you, Red. I wish I was, but I'm still never going to be," and then he'll stroke your hair and say that if you knew how wonderful you were that you'd be unstoppable… You'll cry again. So will he..._

You tell Mark that he can still see other girls, then, if he won't sleep with you. You want him to have an outlet, because you know it's hard for him (erm, literally, oops…) to see you walk around in his apartment every day without having sex with you or anybody else for that matter.

Mark holds out for two months before he brings a girl home.

You wait in the other room with the headphones he lends you, listening to music dutifully while he entertains his guest.

That's not why everything was messed up. Mark does this again with a few other women, he always thanks you for it, you always say no problem.

You offer Mark cash for your half of the rent and food and the electricity bill. Mark takes it because he realizes the guilt will eat you alive if he doesn't.

Mark never tells Derek what happened to you. You know he still talks to him at work. Mark figures out to say you're still unable to work after Derek beat him. Mark tells you that Derek believed his lies so that's why you're able to stay safe in his apartment all the time.

Mark asks you if you miss the world outside. You say you don't. He cries a little for you.

_You'll realize years later how Goddamned wrong it was that you didn't care if you ever saw the outside because your paradise was with a man who at least never hit you or called you names._

You never see your friends or talk to them, because Mark asks you if you want to but you say that you don't want Sam or Naomi to be in on his risky 'escape plan,' for you because you don't want to put them in danger of Derek's wrath.

Mark sighs and says he gets it, then tells you he doesn't want you to feel guilty about 'using him,' because he's delighted you just want to hang out with him. You laugh bitterly alongside him that this is what your definition of 'hanging out,' has finally come to.

_Years later, Sam and Naomi will forgive you for being so out of touch for so long once they finally find out the whole truth from you..._

You might have stayed there for the rest of your life, had this horrible thing not happened, that was sort of Mark's fault but mostly yours, you still think.

Once it happens, you run away, and you eventually run into Derek again.

That's the beginning of when things started to get really bad again.

And also when things started to get good again.

_It was a start or a finish or whatever shit life, it was or wasn't or you're not super sure…_

What happens is that you eventually, along with Mark, sneak into work again to get the remaining things that you want from your NYC office. Mark has already somehow nabbed your things from Derek's Brownstone, and you've at some point lent him your key to your Hampton's to get all of those things, too.

All of your stuff and his is now piled into Mark's tiny apartment, and you'll wonder forever how Mark never raised any suspicion with Derek or Sam or Naomi about never having them over to his place at all during the two months you lived there…

_Years later, Mark will tell you the lies he told to protect you. You'll tell him you wished he didn't have to lie for you. He'll say he wishes it all wasn't this way, to begin with…_

What happens is that you don't tell Mark but you swipe a pregnancy test or six from your office because you didn't get your period after a month and you thought that was just from all the bruising after Derek hit you, but then you don't get it after the second month but you never told Mark that because he bought you tampons without question and you just pretend that you used them...

_You threw out unused tampons wrapped up in toilet paper when you were supposed to be on your cycle and he bought you chocolate when he saw them in the trash can. You tell him he's going to make a hell of a husband one day for whoever he chooses if he does end up with a woman he loves and who loves him. He says thank you. You say you're welcome. By that point, you've stopped pretending that you two could have been 'it,' for each other…_

When you take all six pregnancy tests and get a clear 'yes,' on all of them, you don't tell Mark because you know if Derek finds out he knew about your baby before him he'll do horrible things to him and also you. You realize this could have been from either Derek many times or from Mark that one time you cheated on your husband. You're not sure whose you want it to be, as your mind goes back and forth between them all day long.

_On the one hand, you still love your husband more than anything despite how he treats you because he's broken you down so you can only love him. On the other hand, as a friend, you really do love Mark, also..._

You take your essential things from Mark's place and you go to the hospital with a covered body and face, saying your name is 'Jane Doe,' because you know they can't turn you away like that, and you pay for testing in cash to find out whose baby it is, anyway.

When you log on to the hospital system with your old password you still have to find out the results match Mark and not Derek, you pay out of pocket for the termination pills.

You don't tell Derek or Mark that you took them all alone in the hospital before you got yourself discharged as fast as you can.

You don't go back to Mark's place because you know you'll break down and confess if you do.

You run off into the night, with only a bag of a few things and your cell phone and keys.

_You try not to look back in the direction of the sanctuary that was Mark's apartment, the happiest place for those feeble two months that you've been in your entire life so far…_

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***** **END OF CHAPTER FIVE**

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_Author's Note:_

This chapter is specifically dedicated to AddisonAddek because that author has gotten me HOOKED on Maddison as my straight people OTP to the point that I wanted to devote a whole chapter to Mark and Addison being mostly happy. Sorry they were not endgame, (in your mind as a reader I've left it open that if you want they could have been, maybe?...) but alas, I've made the lesbian fanbase wait a whole while with all this girlxboy stuff… And seeeeee, Mark didn't leave Addie alone! It was just written that way as a cliffhanger :D.

And now we have another cliffhanger.

Where the hell is Addison going? No idea. I'll let you know in Chapter 6 once I write that if I ever do…

I'm liking making this half canon-compliant at least until this point. Let me know if you see anything that makes this story not work logically. I know the part about the medical stuff, at the end might not make so much sense but I'm not a doctor, so I don't know if I can fix it while still saving the plot that I wanted.

See you around in the comments, please, please, please!

*THIS CHAPTER HAS BEEN EDITED AGAIN, thanks to Arizonaslesbianism in particular, who picked up a previous plot hole that it's not clear if Sam and Naomi are still in NYC during this chapter's events or if they have moved to LA theoretically as they do at some point in Canon. Thanks as well to danielaperezsugra who also commented on places in ways that let me know that this chapter it seems has been effective in conveying the effects an abusive relationship can have on someone, among other things. And thank you outlawqueenpercabeth who also just jumped onto reading this right away!

_bobbiejelly_

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Dedications, June 2, 2020, Chapter 5:

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new_being, outlawqueenpercabeth, arizonaslesbianism, for the SPECTACULAR comments and stars. JordynMarie05, addiesrep, danielaperezsurga, rene418, for the votes so far.

131 Reads, 23 Votes, 42 Comments. Many people, who added this to their reading lists.

AND THANKS TO EVERYONE ELSE, WHO READS THIS, EVER!

Ps. Thanks to those of you who have PM'd reviews of this work, also!

* * *

_Ps. New MerAdd fics are up or updated, recently:_

####  [ **Falling Apart, Barely Breathing** ](https://archiveofourown.org/works/23434480)

####  [ **All Too Easy** ](https://archiveofourown.org/works/24492184)

[ **Prom?** ](https://archiveofourown.org/works/24438112)

####  [ **101 McDalmatians** ](https://archiveofourown.org/works/24442180)

[ **Five Reasons We Knew Calzona Was Made For Each Other & Five + More 6 Sentence Fics** ](https://archiveofourown.org/works/23515210)

####  [ **Move Over, Derek!** ](https://archiveofourown.org/works/24399436)

_... And there will eventually, soon be new Chapters of these ones up:_

####  [ **Second Person (The Diary of Addison Montgomery)** ](https://archiveofourown.org/works/24276160)

####  [ **Soothe** ](https://archiveofourown.org/works/24039004)

####  [ **A Seattle Grace Mercy West Swingers Party - Post Plane Crash Edition** ](https://archiveofourown.org/works/23604244)

####  [ **Out Of The Dark** ](https://archiveofourown.org/works/23528218)

Feel free to check them out, hopefully after you leave a note, and have a great day!

[ **_bobbiejelly_ ** ](https://archiveofourown.org/users/bobbiejelly/pseuds/bobbiejelly)


	6. HEY, BROTHER

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> You run around aimlessly away from Mark Sloan's apartment, away from Derek Shepherd's Brownstone, away from your house in the Hampton's because you know either of them could find you there. You realize you're practically homeless now, and you wonder if you'll end up sleeping rough on a damn porch for the second time in your life, now...

_Author's Note:_

Erm, if it wasn't clear in the past chapters, Sam and Naomi were in on the practice with Mark, Derek, and Addison initially in New York. Sam and Naomi still lived in NYC and worked there through the events of the last chapter, but Addison had no contact with them. Mark still worked at the practice alongside Derek for those 2 months where Addison was sheltered by Mark, and Mark said Addison was still recovering somewhere he didn't know about and didn't let anyone over to his place not to out Addison's existence in his living space.

Yes, this takes some willing suspension of disbelief…

This is also possible due to the fact that Derek has bad-mounted Addison to Sam and Naomi many times so they don't ask about her to Derek and/or Mark as much anymore…

_bobbiejelly_

* * *

**CHAPTER CONTENT WARNING:**

**SKIP TO THE TITLE CARD AT YOUR OWN RISK IF YOU DO NOT WANT SPOILERS.**

**MAJOR SPOILERS AHEAD SO CHOOSE WHAT YOU NEED.**

It gets worse before it gets better. Not much else to say, here? IDK.

_bobbiejelly_

* * *

**Love The Way You Lie**

* * *

_Derek Shepherd, your husband, hits you- but you stayed until you couldn't stand up anymore. Your best friend Mark Sloan helped you leave him and you two had some adulterous sex. When you see Derek again in Seattle with another woman, all you want is to save her from him. You didn't mean to fall in love with her. She wasn't supposed to fall in love with you, either. But you both did, anyway._

_-Addison Forbes Montgomery, for Meredith Grey_

_MerAdd. Meddison. F/F. Meredith Grey/Addison Montgomery. Rated E for Explicit. Grey's Anatomy & Private Practice Crossover._

_CW: Domestic Violence. Unhealthy Relationships - Physically & Emotionally Abusive Addek & MerDer. Also briefly okay (non-abusive), Maddison & Mark/Derek._

_*This story is entirely fictional. Please seek professional help for abusive relationships in yourself and others. Take all abuse seriously.*_

* * *

**Chapter 6: HEY, BROTHER**

* * *

_You run around aimlessly away from Mark Sloan's apartment, away from Derek Shepherd's Brownstone, away from your house in the Hampton's because you know either of them could find you there. You realize you're practically homeless now, and you wonder if you'll end up sleeping rough on a damn porch for the second time in your life, now..._

A part of you wants to go to Sam and Naomi's place in NYC because they still live in this city and still work at their/your(?) practice, even though they post on social media they might move to LA someday…? But you don't, and you would never, even before, and not now because you then learn from their posts they are expecting now, that Naomi is now pregnant from Sam her husband like they always wanted to be, and you would never, ever, ever, ever, want to put their future child in danger.

You realize that you have no one else as a friend, not even your work secretary, and you have nowhere to go in New York otherwise, and you can't even go to the office because whoever you might see there might tell on you to Mark and/or Derek…

You can't go back to the hospital because you've run out of cash to pay out of pocket and they kept asking for your insurance and if you gave that to them they'd have your real name and they'd probably be bound to call your damn husband because he's your emergency contact, and even if they didnt, Derek is a doctor and he'd find you from your admission records…?

You call your one and only older brother Archer Montgomery for money. You hate begging like a fucking street person but you have no other option and you're not calling your mother or father for this because they might threaten to kill you, themselves. Derek took control of your finances ages ago, and you only had barely enough in some separate funds to pay Mark for rent and food and electricity when you did. You didn't tell Mark that you barely had anything left; you let him assume you still had everything because you knew he would have tried to talk you out of everything if Mark knew you couldn't really afford it.

You would have ended up on the streets or in a homeless shelter if Archer didn't call you back and wire cash to a bank for you. Archer asks you why you don't just have it transferred to your bank account and you don't tell him that Derek controls all your finances because he might tell your parents Bizzy Forbes and 'The Captain' Montgomery and you don't want all of the fucking' strange Montgomeries to yell at you for marrying away their/your damn trust fund of multi-millions…

Archer calls you every day after that. You get a new phone number in addition to your old one because Derek and Mark both keep blowing up your old number, as do Sam and Naomi. But you never answer any of those calls anyway. Derek called every day that you were with Mark and you wanted to accept every time but Mark took your phone away from you no matter how hard you pouted and he would stay strong and you would thank him after the fact.

You notice your mother never calls you. Your father never calls you. Your extended family members, composed of a plethora of ' _strange Montgomeries_ ' (as you and your brother used to call them at family gatherings when you were small) never call you.

You're not sure what to think of it all and you decide that family is over-rated except for your brother who is okay still for you at least.

You decide that Mark is probably your new favorite person other than Derek and you don't regret having called him 'the nicest person on the whole planet thus far,' for you, at least, until now.

You decide that you're heartbroken about potentially missing the upcoming expected birth of Sam and Naomi's child. You three would often fantasize in medical school friendship days on how if you and Naomi both went into women's medicine (which you did), that you both would have liked to deliver each other's children one day.

You promised Naomi you'd be there for her when she gave birth no matter what. You hate yourself more than ever when you realize you might go back on your promise, even if it would be all to protect them (Naomi, Sam, and now their future child you'd hate to never meet…).

You think bitterly to yourself that hypothetically, at least, no matter how far in the future that Naomi could still deliver your first child if you do ever have one somehow because you aborted Mark's baby so early that you never even had a conversation about its hypothetical delivery.

You call Archer because you want to stop the emotional pain you feel about missing the best day of Sam and Naomi's life so far when they got their pregnancy test results that you learn from social media was apparently just today (you think that it's ironic that your own positive pregnancy test results ended the best part of your life to date), and for potentially in the future breaking your promise to your best friend and person and for all and any of it...

Your parents think your brother is a failure and that you are, too. You agree with them for you and not Archer but you never say that part aloud to your parents. You tell Archer that once but he shakes his head at you and you don't say it again because you know it upsets him even if you're trying to give him a compliment.

Archer asks you if you want to come to stay with him where he is. You say you'd rather go and find Derek and get a divorce from him once and for all, you've decided. He asks you why you're splitting up from him or you want to. You tell him you cheated on him and he hates you for that. Archer says he's just as bad and so is your whole fucked up family. You decide you're both genetically programmed for adultery, probably.

You wished for another time that you were Susan Grant, your nanny's daughter instead of your mothers but you never say that part to Archer. Susan Grant loved you, and as your transplanted aunt/ real mother it felt like at times/ the only person who hated Derek even before you did, you still love her but you don't have her number and you know Archer doesn't either and you know that neither Bizzy nor 'The Captain,' would give it to you, ever.

So you don't try to call her, because even if you found your childhood savior, Susan Grant's number and called it you wouldn't want her to be in this mess anyhow because you know Derek could smash her to pieces and he wouldn't care what happened to her because he doesn't love her as you do and he doesn't love her like your husband still loves you.

So instead, you stay with Archer for a little while because you chicken out of trying to meet up with and divorce Derek so soon after the baby-not-baby-Mark's-non-child-abortion-incident because you realize he might be able to tell you've been pregnant somehow and you don't want him to know that or for Mark to know that.

So you live with your brother for a while, as he practices as an Attending Neurologist Physician and you think it's ironic that both your brother and your husband both work on the brain.

(Your own brain sometimes decides to try to picture them working together on a medical case, and you think bitterly that they would probably get along at face value because Derek is perfectly charming with his charisma and lying and the two of them never had any problems at your initial wedding years ago…)

Archer still brings home a string of women as he always used to. It makes you feel incredibly ill to think of your brother naked like that so you put on a movie really loud in your headphones when he has guests and you try not to get physically sick from it.

Luckily, you have a strong stomach from having gotten beat up a lot. The one time you got sick from a punch to the gut Derek did horrible things to you, that didn't and don't ever want to ever relive again… (Things that, namely, involved a lot of names and more gut punches and more kicks to your ribs…)

Unlike from Derek or Mark, you hide all your scars from your brother. You never wear less than very long clothing around him and his… Friends? Friends with Benefits. Fuckbudies. Non-Fuckbuddies. Colleagues. Coworkers. Other people in general who are not Derek Shepherd or even for those two recent months, Mark Sloan...

Most of your physical wounds from Derek are at least healing now, because Mark never laid a hand on you, ever, to his everlasting credit (and yours, because you never hit him, but you never hit Derek, or anyone else, either, so you're not sure why your mind even flips to that thought…).

You think that you're lucky, because this means that at least, Archer won't uncover your bruises the same way Mark did ages ago, even before he took you in, then, just because you bumped your hip while you cooked in the kitchen.

You're not sure that Archer would even notice the same way, though, if that did happen. As your sibling, Archer loves you and you always have and you will always love Archer. But it's not the same as the way you think that Mark, despite all your warnings, thinks he is 'in love with you,' and therefore that's probably why he cared to ask about those mysterious bruises back then.

_How many times did you tell Mark Sloan you weren't worth loving after?_

_How many times did you tell Mark you're not worth it?_

_How many times did you tell him he needs help if he wants to try to be your friend…?_

You realize you miss Derek Shepherd. You miss your damn husband. You miss him, truly.

You miss the sex, mostly. You miss sleeping with Derek. Mark only slept with you that one time.

While you were at Mark's place you didn't feel it as much because you always felt that Mark might break down and have sex with you soon.

You knew he wanted you that way, and despite yourself, you wanted him 'that way,' too.

You liked it when Mark had sex with you. You always also liked it when Derek had sex with you. You already knew you were a slut and a whore long before that, and an adulterous satanic bitch so you add that the list of things to loathe yourself for as you sometimes fantasize about any sex at all that you've previously had.

You realize you could be easily tempted to have sex with any number of the men/women/people you once hooked up with, in your college undergrad, and you realize you're running into dangerous waters if you're focusing so much on sex in your head that you'd have yet another affair.

You even miss sex at all, you'd even be tempted to settle for adulterous sex with Skipy Gold again, sometimes, even if you'd now insist on a condom if you were, hypothetically, to see him ever again (he still lives in Connecticut, you also found that out through social media, and he has a wife now, and you're happy for him).

Archer once tries to broach the subject with you, and says to you one day after living with him for a while that, "sis, you look horny as shit," but you tell him you don't want to ever talk about sex with him, his or yours or your family members', and he understands and he just walks away.

You are though (horny as shit), even if you don't and you won't ever tell Archer that - he doesn't need to know that about you even if he somehow does without you saying it, and he certainly doesn't need to know that he was _right_ about yet something else in your life...

You know the only ways you're going to have sex are either to take Derek back and for him to want to fuck you again, to divorce Derek and subsequently sleep with someone else entirely, or to have another affair against him and hope he never finds out, ever, about it.

Logically, those are literally the only three options you have to get laid.

Your head is dizzy with your private lust for no one in particular and you try not to be too obvious about the fact that you've literally tumbled out of bed five out of seven days this past week having wet dreams that send you into orgasm.

_You never tell anyone, ever, especially not Derek or Mark or Archer, that those dreams were all about hot sexy women and you and not about Derek or Mark or Skippy Gold or about any men at all, for that matter..._

* * *

*

*

*

*

*

***** **END OF CHAPTER SIX**

* * *

_Author's Note:_

Yes, the use of 'Montgomeries,' as a plural of 'Montgomery,' is written as a copycat of/a shout out for, AddisonAddek, who does this in many works and I ADORE IT. It's just so much funnier than 'Montgomery's' or 'Montgomerys' and I just love the phrase 'strange Montgomeries…' from one of the stories. So no, I didn't invent it. But kudos to AddisonAddek if you laughed at it, too.

The timeline of Naomi's pregnancy might be a bit off from Canon but we're just going to go with that, here, for the purpose of storytelling…

Yeah, sorry, no MerAdd yet. Actually no Meredith, at all, yet. But Addison is having some lezzy dreams… (The falling on the floor from such dreams is taken canonically from PP…)

I guess I wanted a chapter about Addison and her brother (and 'strange Montgomeries!'), and this ended up being it. I decided to post a shorter one now instead of making it super long and making you wait for another forever for an update.

Let me know what you think! This chapter is named after the Avicci song...

Any predictions…?

_bobbiejelly_

* * *

Dedications, June 2, 2020, Chapter 6:

EVERYONE WHO READS THIS SO FAR AND COMMENTS, LIKES, FAVORITES, FOLLOWS, ADDS TO READING LIST ETC.

Ao3:

AddisonAddek for the phenomenal Comments.

KyHasNoLife, Arahneia, AddisonAddek, Hotgitay and 1 guest, for the Kudos.

1 Subscription. 83 Hits. 5 Comment Threads. 0 Bookmarks.

Fanfiction:

rhi bradley and Anne for the Reviews.

0 Favs.

rhi bradley, for the Follow.

395 Hits.

Wattpad:

Ty- arizonaslesbianism, danielaperezsurga, new_being, outlawqueenpercabeth, for the SPECTACULAR comments and stars. JordynMarie05, addiesrep, rene418, for the votes so far.

151 Reads, 27 Votes, 65 Comments. Many people, who added this to their reading lists.

AND THANKS TO EVERYONE ELSE, WHO READS THIS, EVER!

Ps. Thanks to those of you who have PM'd reviews of this work, also!

* * *

_Ps. New MerAdd fics are up or updated, recently:_

####  [ **Falling Apart, Barely Breathing** ](https://archiveofourown.org/works/23434480)

####  [ **All Too Easy** ](https://archiveofourown.org/works/24492184)

[ **Prom?** ](https://archiveofourown.org/works/24438112)

####  [ **101 McDalmatians** ](https://archiveofourown.org/works/24442180)

[ **Five Reasons We Knew Calzona Was Made For Each Other & Five + More 6 Sentence Fics** ](https://archiveofourown.org/works/23515210)

####  [ **Move Over, Derek!** ](https://archiveofourown.org/works/24399436)

_... And there will eventually, soon be new Chapters of these ones up:_

####  [ **Second Person (The Diary of Addison Montgomery)** ](https://archiveofourown.org/works/24276160)

####  [ **Soothe** ](https://archiveofourown.org/works/24039004)

####  [ **A Seattle Grace Mercy West Swingers Party - Post Plane Crash Edition** ](https://archiveofourown.org/works/23604244)

####  [ **Out Of The Dark** ](https://archiveofourown.org/works/23528218)

Feel free to check them out, hopefully after you leave a note, and have a great day!

[ **_bobbiejelly_ ** ](https://archiveofourown.org/users/bobbiejelly/pseuds/bobbiejelly)


	7. MIRACLE

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Your head is dizzy with your private lust for no one in particular and you try not to be too obvious about the fact that you've literally tumbled out of bed five out of seven days this past week having wet dreams that send you into orgasm.
> 
> You never tell anyone, ever, especially not Derek or Mark or Archer, that those dreams were all about hot sexy women and you and not about Derek or Mark or Skippy Gold or about any men at all, for that matter...
> 
> You wonder if Derek Shepherd would beat you if he knew you liked ladies. You figure it doesn't matter- because as long as he's your husband he'll beat you for fancying anyone who is not him.

_Author's Note:_

Thanks for the feedback on the last ones!

Glad you liked that Mark stayed Addison's friend. Glad you liked the dream parts at the end :).

Here is a new one, just for you!

_bobbiejelly_

* * *

**CHAPTER CONTENT WARNING:**

**SKIP TO THE TITLE CARD AT YOUR OWN RISK IF YOU DO NOT WANT SPOILERS.**

**MAJOR SPOILERS AHEAD SO CHOOSE WHAT YOU NEED.**

It gets worse before it gets better. Not much else to say, here? IDK.

_bobbiejelly_

* * *

**Love The Way You Lie**

* * *

_Derek Shepherd, your husband, hits you- but you stayed until you couldn't stand up anymore. Your best friend Mark Sloan helped you leave him and you two had some adulterous sex. When you see Derek again in Seattle with another woman, all you want is to save her from him. You didn't mean to fall in love with her. She wasn't supposed to fall in love with you, either. But you both did, anyway._

_-Addison Forbes Montgomery, for Meredith Grey_

_MerAdd. Meddison. F/F. Meredith Grey/Addison Montgomery. Rated E for Explicit. Grey's Anatomy & Private Practice Crossover._

_CW: Domestic Violence. Unhealthy Relationships - Physically & Emotionally Abusive Addek & MerDer. Also briefly okay (non-abusive), Maddison & Mark/Derek._

_*This story is entirely fictional. Please seek professional help for abusive relationships in yourself and others. Take all abuse seriously.*_

* * *

**Chapter 7: MIRACLE**

* * *

_Your head is dizzy with your private lust for no one in particular and you try not to be too obvious about the fact that you've literally tumbled out of bed five out of seven days this past week having wet dreams that send you into orgasm._

_You never tell anyone, ever, especially not Derek or Mark or Archer, that those dreams were all about hot sexy women and you and not about Derek or Mark or Skippy Gold or about any men at all, for that matter..._

_You wonder if Derek Shepherd would beat you if he knew you liked ladies. You figure it doesn't matter- because as long as he's your husband he'll beat you for fancying anyone who is not him._

You're not actually sure where Derek is at this point. He still calls you every day, but you're not sure if he's still in New York. You realize he could be anywhere, and you're not sure if you're comforted by the thought that he could be traveling, or terrified that you may never see him again.

You don't want to ask Archer, because he'll know something is up and you don't want to clue him in.

Nowadays you sit around and do online work and try to get back in the game. You try to figure out some way to earn a living without going back to the Practice and without leaving Archer's apartment, but those things prove incredibly challenging.

So you eventually crack one day and you check your old phone again. You have at least one missed call a day from Derek, Mark, Naomi, Sam, and sometimes even Archer (from before, mostly, but also from after you moved in with him, if he forgot to use your new number).

You have no calls from your parents or anyone else for that matter. You realize you probably don't matter to anyone outside those 5 people and you're not sure how to feel about that. Well, six people, you realize. Susan Grant probably still cares about you, even if you have no missed calls from her because you were never allowed your old nanny's number.

You break down and decide to call Naomi back one day. Nai picks up on the first ring.

"Hey," you say, voice breaking and quivering.

"Addison!?" Naomi says in surprise as if she were not actually expecting it to be you.

"Nai!" You say excitedly, glad to hear your very best friend and person's voice, over again.

"Where the hell are you?" Naomi asks, and you realize you're not ready to divulge that information yet (you made Archer swear not to tell anyone where you are when you started staying here).

"Can we just talk? As just friends first? For a little while?" You beg your best friend just for a little light conversation.

"Talk?! You haven't picked up for months, we weren't sure you were alive, and Derek said you were a lying asshole, so I don't know if we can 'just talk'," Naomi says a bit forcefully.

You want to cry, but you don't. So you just keep trying to talk to her.

"Nai, I've missed you so much," you gush, and you try to convey how certain you are.

"Where is Derek?" You ask outright, because you're really curious.

"He's in Seattle right now on a placement, he might stay there for a while," Naomi gives you this, and you thank her eternally.

_Seattle. Space Needle Seattle. I could go to Seattle… You think to yourself..._

"Why?" You ask dumbly, realizing how out of the loop you are.

"Aren't you- his wife?" Naomi asks you.

"I've been, ah, sick," you try lamely, but Naomi believes you for some reason.

"Right, well, Derek's old mentor and teacher, Richard Webber, is out in Seattle now, and so is Richard's wife. That's all I know, I'm not sure why Richard would want to move from New York but he did, and now Derek is working small contracts at a time at Seattle Grace Hospital because he thinks Richard might someday offer him a job there," Naomi explains.

"Right, I think I've met Richard and Adele before," you say, conjuring up the image.

"Right, anyway, Sam and I are staying put and we're trying to refinance the Practice," Naomi articulates.

"What do you mean?" You ask Naomi.

"Well, Sam and I were thinking of selling our shares and starting over in LA, California," Naomi offers. "After the baby is born, of course," you can hear Naomi's smile over the phone.

"Do you know-" You cut yourself off before you ask a million questions.

"We don't know the baby's sex yet, we want to be surprised," Naomi says, and you smile, and you tell Naomi to tell Sam congratulations as well.

"Will you be around for when the baby is born?" Naomi asks you outright.

You really want to say 'yes,' but you really don't want to explain Derek, and you don't want to explain Mark to Naomi, either.

"Yes," you blurt out without thinking, and you realize you'll never want to go back on your promise.

"Now are you going to tell me where you are?" Naomi asks you.

"What do you know about Derek and I?" You deflect with a question, hoping she'll latch onto it.

_Years later, you'll realize you're pretty good at deflecting and it'll take some time not to do it._

"Well, I know you cheated, and Derek walked away from you and Mark," Naomi offers.

"Who did you hear this from?" You ask, curious because you're not sure if Mark or Derek or both would have told that story.

"Mark and Derek," Naomi offers succinctly, and you realize they might have collaborated on the story to blame you because even Mark might hate you now for running away from all his help for 'no reason,' as far as he knows, anyway.

"It's true," you offer, because you know that Naomi won't lay off until you give her something.

"You know it's wrong to take other people's men, right?" Naomi sighs at you frustratedly.

"Mark was involved at the time?" You say because you honestly didn't know that part.

"Oh, no, or not seriously I don't think. I should have said you know it's wrong to cheat on your husband, right?" Naomi rephrases her question.

"Yeah, it's wrong, I fucked up," you say, because you know you did in more ways than one.

"You did, you're still my friend, and as my friend, I still love you," Naomi sighs.

"As my best friend, I still love you, Naomi, I never stopped," you promise her, and you hope Naomi believes you.

"Are you ever going to come out of whatever and wherever you're hiding from?" Naomi asks you.

"I plan to, at least for when your baby is born," you tell Naomi with every ounce of confidence you have left. You realize this is the first thing you have looked forward to in ages.

"I hope to see you before those many months, but if it's that many months then I'll take it," Naomi sighs.

"Is Sam there? Can I say hi?" You ask like a child.

"Yeah, I'll get Sam," Naomi offers. You say hi to Sam, and he says he is well.

"Congratulations," you say and Sam thanks you. Sam is a good friend, you think.

"What the hell are you doing?" Sam asks in an impossibly gentle tone.

"I have no idea," you say, and you realize it's the truth.

"Are you going to get back to work, Addison?" Sam offers you.

"I have no idea," you say, because you really don't.

"Are-" Sam starts to say something, but then he passes the phone back to Naomi and you think you hear sniffling from Sam.

"Are you okay?" Naomi's voice breaks when she asks you this question, and you start to hear her sniffling too.

"I'm okay, I'll always be okay, Nai. I'm fine," you say, and you try really hard to believe it.

"Where are you?" Naomi finally asks you.

"If I tell you, you cannot tell Derek or Mark, or my Bizzy or 'The Captain,' or anyone else for that matter, except Sam, got it?" You make both of them promise you before you tell a soul.

"I'm with Archer," you finally cave, and you let them know this so they don't have to worry anymore.

You know you're taking a huge risk, because they might tell someone who might tell Derek and/or Mark, but it is what it is.

_Years later, you'll remember this moment and wonder if you're glad or sad or mad that you said what you said when you did to Sam and Naomi..._

Months go by and you promise you'll repay Archer someday for all the money he's probably spending to let you live in his apartment without paying rent and electricity and even groceries.

You slowly started telling him all the reasons you have no money and why you can't go back to Mark and why you don't want to go back to Derek.

Archer doesn't say he 'understands it,' which you find a relief, and you also find it a relief that he never tries to compare his situation to yours.

Archer ends up being your savior because he spends his own trust fund money on keeping you safe, and he doesn't question it at all, for your sake.

Eventually, though, Archer says that it's almost time for things to change.

You ask why, and he says that Naomi and Sam's baby is near due and he knows you'll never forgive yourself if you miss that.

You say he's right and you don't, and you feel strong from your breaks (first at Mark's apartment, then Archer's), that you almost feel invincible again.

Your physical scars have healed, both from your termination and from your beatings from Derek long ago.

You've stopped jumping at every corner after living without Derek for so long.

You realize you're as happy as you ever have been just alone with Archer, even if you never go outside, and the only contact you have with the outside world other than rushed phone calls with Sam and Naomi are briefly saying "hello," to Archer's fuckbuddies/girlfriends/friendswithbenefits that walk past 'your' room down the hall to your brother's.

Archer only offers one time to bring someone home for you, too, but you tell him you're never going to cheat on Derek again, and he seems to take this as you being some morally superior being even though you're only not telling him you would totally screw 100 people if you weren't afraid Derek would nearly kill you again for doing any of it.

_You try to fight the thoughts that tempt you to blurt out, 'sure, Archer, and um, actually could you bring home a hot girl but like, a gay one for me, because I'm secretly into that but don't tell mom or dad because they'll definitely flip, but maybe Susan Grant our nanny might be ok with it…?'_

So you don't, and you stick to your unfulfilled sexual urges, which always ends with you bruising yourself on the floor over and over.

You seriously reconsider asking Archer if he knows of any solutions, but every time you think of your potential question, 'hey Archie, do you know what to do when you need to get laid but you can't?'

Or even worse, 'Yo, Archie, can girls 'jerk off,' like guys do, do you know? Maybe I could do that but I don't know how because obviously no one told us when we were small because we are protestant WASPS, who only go to church at Christmas but who still believe masturbation is a sin?'...

You also realize you don't still don't want to talk to your brother about his sex life or the sex lives of all of your 'strange Montgomeries,' as relatives or about anything erotically unusual, which you realize your brother is probably into.

So you don't, and you wonder if it's saying something that you always seem to wake up the stickiest when you dream about a random hot blonde woman in bed with you.

_You will never, ever, ever tell Mark, Derek, or Archer this. Ever. Ever. Ever…_

Your sexual woes become secondary though, when you get the call from Naomi that she's going to be admitted to the hospital because she is due now.

You decide to come clean to your brother about more but not all of the past of your ongoing marriage, and Archer decides he'll do his best to protect you long enough you can all spend a few days with Sam and Naomi while they have their baby.

Archer asks you if Derek used to treat you like your daddy treated your mother. You say it's something like that, yeah. You don't give him the goriest details.

You go to the local New York hospital along with Archer, and you wear a lot of makeup and coverings over your body and face.

You always go in and out directly from Naomi's room and you never sign any visitor's logs, and you avoid anyone you used to know at the hospital, which is very very hard to sustain.

You manage though, and in a few short days, Naomi is going into labor.

Naomi asks if you can deliver the child for her, and she and Sam offer for Archer to stay along as well for all of it.

You hesitate because you technically don't have hospital privileges because you're pretending so fervently that you don't exist.

Naomi promises she won't sue you, she just wants you to be the one there along with the other doctors and to cut the cord.

You ask if you're sure she doesn't want Sam to do that part, and Naomi says that she wants Sam to be behind her and holding her hand the whole time.

You understand, and you're selfishly grateful despite yourself, because you want to make good on your promise to bring a life into the world for your very best friend and person.

When you do see the baby crowning, you're the first one to hold it in your arms. Her, actually. It's a baby girl.

"She's beautiful," you announce in tears to Sam and Naomi, and you cut the cord at once so you can hand the infant over to its mother and father.

The baby starts crying, and then it stops crying once it's safely in Sam and Naomi's arms together.

"Maya, Maya Bennett. We're naming her Maya Bennett," Sam and Naomi say at the very same time.

You realize simultaneously that that baby is a miracle, that it's a miracle no one has recognized you so far in this hospital, and that it's an even bigger miracle that Derek has not discovered where you are yet (much less, also, Mark…).

You realize that all this good should not come to you without bad.

You realize you shouldn't be having all this peace with no war.

You realize you shouldn't be able to live without lies.

You realize you shouldn't probably love without Derek Shepherd, your husband, even just in a friendship way, in a platonic way, in a brotherly way of everyone in that delivery room when you got to meet Sam and Naomi's new daughter, Maya Bennett, and they pronounced she is and always will be _your_ godchild.

_You realize, years later, that this was the calm before a much, much, much bigger storm..._

* * *

*

*

*

*

*

***** **END OF CHAPTER SEVEN**

* * *

_Author's Note:_

Hello, we're back with some… Semi-fluff, actually.

And I realized in Canon we never even got a flashback of Addison delivering Sam and Naomi's Maya, only an offhand mention that she did.

So I thought I'd write that into this saga, because it really is heartwarming, and I do want this AU Addison to have good memories to look back on within her very shitty life she sort of has.

Yes, LGBTQ+ fans, there are hints of Seattle Grace Hospital and they were not accidental.

Eventually we will get to the… Well I'm not going to spoiler that for you. Now why would I?

Any predictions…? LOL. Hoping for some nice compliments on your favorite parts and some analysis of this chapter and the story's construction thus far. THANKS!

_bobbiejelly_

* * *

Dedications, June 3, 2020, Chapter 7:

EVERYONE WHO READS THIS SO FAR AND COMMENTS, LIKES, FAVORITES, FOLLOWS, ADDS TO READING LIST ETC.

Ao3:

AddisonAddek for the phenomenal Comments.

KyHasNoLife, Arahneia, AddisonAddek, Hotgitay and 1 guest, for the Kudos.

1 Subscription. 121 Hits. 5 Kudos. 7 Comment Threads. 0 Bookmarks.

Fanfiction:

rhi bradley and Anne for the Reviews.

kaipulani for the Favs.

rhi bradley, kaipulani, for the Follows.

523 Hits.

Wattpad:

Ty- arizonaslesbianism, danielaperezsurga, new_being, outlawqueenpercabeth, for the SPECTACULAR comments and stars. JordynMarie05, addiesrep, rene418, for the votes so far.

220 Reads, 35 Votes, 106 Comments. Many people, who added this to their reading lists.

AND THANKS TO EVERYONE ELSE, WHO READS THIS, EVER!

Ps. Thanks to those of you who have PM'd reviews of this work, also!

* * *

_Ps. New MerAdd fics are up or updated, recently:_

####  [ **Bubble** ](https://archiveofourown.org/works/24426472)

####  [ **All Too Easy** ](https://archiveofourown.org/works/24492184)

[ **Prom?** ](https://archiveofourown.org/works/24438112)

####  [ **101 McDalmatians** ](https://archiveofourown.org/works/24442180)

[ **Five Reasons We Knew Calzona Was Made For Each Other & Five + More 6 Sentence Fics** ](https://archiveofourown.org/works/23515210)

####  [ **Move Over, Derek!** ](https://archiveofourown.org/works/24399436)

_... And there will eventually, soon be new Chapters of these ones up:_

[ **Falling Apart, Barely Breathing** ](https://archiveofourown.org/works/23434480)

####  [ **Second Person (The Diary of Addison Montgomery)** ](https://archiveofourown.org/works/24276160)

####  [ **Soothe** ](https://archiveofourown.org/works/24039004)

####  [ **A Seattle Grace Mercy West Swingers Party - Post Plane Crash Edition** ](https://archiveofourown.org/works/23604244)

####  [ **Out Of The Dark** ](https://archiveofourown.org/works/23528218)

Feel free to check them out, hopefully after you leave a note, and have a great day!

[ **_bobbiejelly_ ** ](https://archiveofourown.org/users/bobbiejelly/pseuds/bobbiejelly)


	8. RELAPSE

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> You call him.
> 
> You call Derek again.
> 
> You call him again and again.

_Author's Note:_

Thanks for the feedback on the last ones!

Glad you liked that Mark stayed Addison's friend. Glad you liked the dream parts at the end :).

Here is a new one, just for you!

_bobbiejelly_

* * *

**CHAPTER CONTENT WARNING:**

**SKIP TO THE TITLE CARD AT YOUR OWN RISK IF YOU DO NOT WANT SPOILERS.**

**MAJOR SPOILERS AHEAD SO CHOOSE WHAT YOU NEED.**

It gets worse before it gets better. Not much else to say, here? IDK.

_bobbiejelly_

* * *

**Love The Way You Lie**

* * *

_Derek Shepherd, your husband, hits you- but you stayed until you couldn't stand up anymore. Your best friend Mark Sloan helped you leave him and you two had some adulterous sex. When you see Derek again in Seattle with another woman, all you want is to save her from him. You didn't mean to fall in love with her. She wasn't supposed to fall in love with you, either. But you both did, anyway._

_-Addison Forbes Montgomery, for Meredith Grey_

_MerAdd. Meddison. F/F. Meredith Grey/Addison Montgomery. Rated E for Explicit. Grey's Anatomy & Private Practice Crossover._

_CW: Domestic Violence. Unhealthy Relationships - Physically & Emotionally Abusive Addek & MerDer. Also briefly okay (non-abusive), Maddison & Mark/Derek._

_*This story is entirely fictional. Please seek professional help for abusive relationships in yourself and others. Take all abuse seriously.*_

* * *

**Chapter 8: RELAPSE**

* * *

You realize you shouldn't be able to live without lies.

You realize you shouldn't probably love without Derek Shepherd, your husband, even just in a friendship way, in a platonic way, in a brotherly way of everyone in that delivery room when you got to meet Sam and Naomi's new daughter, Maya Bennett, and they pronounced she is and always will be _your_ godchild.

_You realize, years later, that this was the calm before a much, much, much bigger storm…_

After the birth of Sam and Naomi's child Maya, all of you stay in the room together for a while, including your brother Archer, as well.

Throughout the entire day, you can feel Archer's eyes on you, as if daring you to 'say something, anything, tell them the truth…'

A part of you wants to.

A part of you wants them to know.

A part of you wants this all to be over, with Derek's antic's exposed, with Mark's heroism exposed, with the bare-bottom truth of your adultery in plain light to see…

There are many complications and confusion(s) surrounding your current situation. On the one hand, you want someday to divorce Derek because even if a broken part of you still loves him, you know that a less broken part of you is healed enough to know, now, that you're much happier not being beaten up all the time.

But there's the part of you that still fears him, that is still owned by Derek, that is still fed by his lies.

You realize that your recovery could hardly be called a ' _recovery,_ ' without a _relapse._

You realize you sound like an addict and you realize that you are, indeed, a junkie, of sorts.

Something's messed up in your head because you crave your husband like a fucking' drug.

You want him, you need him. You don't know if you can go on without him.

_And it's sick that all these battles are what keeps you satisfied…_

You call him.

You call Derek again.

You call him again and again.

You don't tell your brother you're calling him, because you don't want him to hate you for having him protect you whe you're doing the very opposite for yourself.

You don't call Mark, because you don't want to explain how he knocked you up and you ended it without him having been able to get a word in edgewise about it.

But you call Derek Shepherd. You ask where the hell he even is because you know if he's been in New York the whole time he would have found you by now.

You wonder if he's abandoned you and your marriage.

You wonder if he's forgotten about you.

You wonder if he's moved on altogether…

The idea of Derek having a new partner, technically 'on the side,' other than you makes you swell up with many mixed emotions inside of you.

On the one hand, you like the idea that he's not trying to worm his way back into your life, on the other hand, you're jealous of whoever he could love instead of you.

On the one hand, you like that you're not his whipping point, on the other hand, you miss his touch and even his roughness from time to time.

On the one hand, you hate him. On the other hand, you still love him.

On the one hand, you hate yourself for hating him. On the other hand, you hate yourself for loving him.

Either way, you hate yourself even more than you hate your husband, Derek.

Derek doesn't answer you.

Neither does Mark the one time you break down and call him instead.

You're in the basement of Sam and Naomi's place when you break down and call Mark.

They've been home with the baby for the first two days now and they've been letting you crash in their spare room to give Archer some space to bring guests home.

Guests. Plural- (An orgy, you wonder?). You try not to be jealous that he's getting some and you're not.

_That never really goes away, and that's probably why you finally called Mark, because you wondered if your chances of getting laid from him were higher than your chances of getting Derek back at that moment..._

You never reach either of them, though, and you're starting to realize you're almost outstaying your welcome.

You take care of Maya as much as you can to let Sam and Naomi sleep after their first child is born.

You can't go shopping or anything but you change their daughter and you feed their daughter and you put her down when she cries.

You do your very best to be 'Auntie Addison,' and you really do like the feeling of 'being a mom,' for a while.

You wonder if you'll ever have children, for real, and actually keep them.

You think you'll even settle for one child.

You want at least one, though. You want a kid to raise as your own. You want to be a mom.

_You're just not sure you've met the right father, yet, and you hate yourself for knowing that Mark was not the right father for you in your lifetime, and you hate yourself more for starting to realize you're not sure if you'd want a child with your husband, Derek Shepherd, either..._

You never get through to Derek, but you do get through to Adele Webber, Richard Webber's wife.

You call her and ask Adele how she is. She tells you it's the same old, that she has her husband back only because the woman he's been having an affair with is apparently traveling the world and writing a book.

Adele never tells you who that 'other woman,' in her marriage is.

You don't ever ask her.

Adele tells you never to tell anyone she knows about her husband's everlasting affair.

You tell her you won't ever tell a damn soul.

Adele believes you. You believe Adele.

_You realize you two have so much more in common than you'd like to acknowledge…_

You ask her where she is. Adele tells you she's in Seattle.

You ask where Richard Webber is.

Adele tells you they live together in a house in Seattle.

You take a deep breath.

_This is it, now or never, the moment your life will change or it won't._

"Do you know where Derek Christopher Shepherd is?" You ask Adele that day when she's already told you her own husband Richard isn't listening.

"Derek is my husband's new hire. He's Seattle Grace Hospital's newest Attending neurosurgeon. He's moving from New York to Seattle soon. Derek's coming to live not far from us…" Adele reveals to you.

_Years later, you'll swear to Adele that all of this was never her fault, that you'd have found out otherwise even if she had not told you where your husband was without knowing what would happen to you once you found all that out…_

You ask if she thinks Richard might offer you a job alongside your husband.

Adele says that as a retired nurse, that she thinks you'd be a great addition to the SGH staff, but that she would never try to force an opinion on 'the Chief of Surgery,' who is also her husband.

You understand the difference, and you tell her such, just as much.

Adele asks you if you're coming to get your damn husband back.

You tell her you are not sure yet because you aren't.

You never tell her anything about Derek's behavior, and Adele doesn't ask you and you're grateful for that.

Adele just knows you're lonely, and you know that she's lonely, and you relate to each other on the level of the lonely housewives.

Adele tells you to say hi if you do come by.

You promise that, hypothetically, you sure will.

_You realize that as you promise this, that you're practically engraving your future in stone…_

You hang up the phone when Adele says she's got to go.

You call Mark, he doesn't answer.

You call Derek, he doesn't answer.

You call Archer, he doesn't answer, either.

You tell Sam and Naomi that you're leaving for a while.

You don't tell them where to, but they can tell by the look on your face.

Sam asks what you're going to do once you get to 'wherever you're going,'.

You tell him you're going to ask for a divorce, because you are, or at least at that moment that you think that you are.

Sam asks you while Naomi is asleep for you to tell him your whole story for real.

When you do, Sam says that it's hard to believe you.

You tell Sam you don't believe it all yourself, anyway.

You call Richard Webber at his office, and you pretend you never called Adele, and he's none the wiser.

You ask Richard if he might have a place for 'someone like you,' on his staff, and Richard gushes about a TTTS baby case that he'd love you to try your hand at.

Richard confides in you about his past affair, and tells you that only you and Derek know the truth, and asks you to swear never to tell anyone about it, especially not Adele.

You never tell Webber what you did to Derek (you cheated), you never Webber what he's done to you (a whole lot of things...), and Webber never asks for your life story anyway.

You bite your lip not to groan out in irony about hiding your 'new boss's affair,' as you do promise, and Richard Webber believes you in that you won't rat him out to his wife because you know and he knows you won't ever do that.

You hate that you feel drunk off the power of finally knowing more than other people for once in your damn life.

You hate the part of you that likes the control you know you have over this couple of people.

You hate that you like that you feel in charge and nor workless or weak while you talk to Adele and Richard Webber.

You ask Richard that if he, as the Chief of Surgery if he'd be interested in hiring you.

Richard leaps and tells you 'yes,' almost right away.

You're shocked and you have to ask him six times if he's not faking it to you.

Richard isn't, and you stop begging because he tells you he's already said yes.

You realize this is the first time you've felt wanted by anyone other than by Archer or Derek or Mark or Sam or Naomi or Maya in a very long time, even though this is entirely different because it's for your surgical skills and no more.

You realize that it's not different at all.

Archer wants you because you're his sister and he's your brother and you're all you have in your family of 'strange and stranger Montgomeries,'.

Derek wants you because he's your husband and he loves you and he wants to give sex to you and you want him to give sex to you and you wanted more with him at some point.

Mark wants you because he loves you, too, as your friend and more and you hate how flattered you are that both Mark and Derek like you in 'that way,'. And you realize how much of a slut and a whore you are. And you don't stop anyway.

You realize that Sam, Naomi, and Maya, all want you as a friend but that you give them support and friendship and comfort. Objectively you make all their lives easier because you cook and clean and do everything you can to 'earn your keep,' because you know and they know now that you're practically 'squatting,' in their guest room because you still can't make rent.

Sam tells Naomi bits of your story and Sam tells Naomi to ask you herself if she doesn't believe her own husband because Sam knows it's hard to hear, and Naomi nods, and you're not mad because he is her husband, and he's actually a good person and a good husband to your best friend.

You realize as you live with them both that they never hit each other, or call each other names, or make each other want to run out the damn door.

You realize you've never lived with anybody who's had such a normal healthy relationship before, even though they say they're hardly perfect and you try hard to believe them.

Naomi confronts you like you knew that she would.

Nai asks you to tell her the story yourself.

Your best friend tells you she wants to believe you but she believes Mark and Derek more because at least the two of them agree on the facts and it's both of them against you.

You ask her, as your best friend, to back you up.

Naomi says that she will because you're all alone and she is still, your person.

You ask her not to do it out of pity.

Naomi looks away from you, then.

You tell her that as your best friend, that you still love her, as a friend.

Naomi says it back to you, but you can hear the wariness in her voice, as she does.

You take this as your cue to leave Sam and Naomi's, and you wave goodbye one last time, and you kiss your godchild Maya on the top of her head one last time as you walk out the door one last time.

As you do this, you know you're not sure if you're ever coming back here, if you're ever coming back to New York or even to LA where they might move to California to start their own practice.

You realize, that once you leave this place, and you leave them, and Archer and Mark all behind…

You realize that once you leave New York City that the decision is final.

You call Archer, Mark, and Derek but you don't get an answer.

You rent a car to move out to Seattle the very next day.

You drive and drive and drive, and you never look back.

You can't wait to catch up with Adele Webber as you promised her, as a friend.

You can't wait to catch up with Richard Webber as you promised him, as his new employee.

You can't wait to make your own money again and start repaying your debts, to literally fucking everyone.

You realize you're looking forward to ending things with Derek for once and for all, but you realize that once you see him your confidence might waver and you might take him back with you, instead.

_You find 'Seattle Grace Hospital,' where you know Richard Webber hired your husband, Derek Christopher Shepherd to work, on your cheap GPS._

_You take the exit on the third try and you find the correct parking lot._

_You park your car. You lock the car doors. You walk alone, into the night, and into Seattle._

* * *

*

*

*

*

*

***** **END OF CHAPTER EIGHT**

* * *

_Author's Note:_

This chapter is highly inspired by AddisonAddek's "Blue Eyes," which I won't spoiler for you, but AddisonAddek, you'll know what I mean by that and that's enough for me, now. That work has been added as an inspired work on Ao3, and I encourage checking that out :D.

Also, if you know Eminem/Rhianna/Skylar Gray, then you might have noticed this…

" _And it's sick that all these battles are what keeps you satisfied…"_

This is a line taken from "Love The Way You Lie," parts 2 and 3.

Those songs are about the woman's perspective in an abusive relationship-

And I think that line really fits here to how Addison had been feeling.

SOOO, we're in Seattle now.

Some of you have offered predictions as to where this might have been going after the last chapter.

Some of you were/are probably right, congratulations. I didn't want to do the LA thing at this point because I'm writing that in 'Out of The Dark,' and I realize that I've never…

Never mind, I'll write the end of that later. I don't give spoilers for my own damn story.

(Not that I even know for sure what I'm doing, anyway, even if I wanted to.)

Let me know what you think of this one, yeah I know some of you might be ADDISAM fans, but I was not going to go in that direction here right after Maya Bennett was born because that would be a whole lot of hectic and I think fictional Maya deserves a better early childhood than that.

And I wanted to show Addison being motherly, because I think that's a key part of her being, and I also like being semi canon-compliant…

Anyways, hope to chat with you in the reviews. CHEERS! And much thanks.

_bobbiejelly_

* * *

Dedications, June 4, 2020, Chapter 8:

EVERYONE WHO READS THIS SO FAR AND COMMENTS, LIKES, FAVORITES, FOLLOWS, ADDS TO READING LIST ETC.

Ao3:

AddisonAddek for the phenomenal Comments. Can't thank you enough!

KyHasNoLife, Arahneia, AddisonAddek, Hotgitay and 1 guest, for the Kudos.

1 Subscription. 132 Hits. 5 Kudos. 8 Comment Threads. 0 Bookmarks.

Fanfiction:

rhi bradley and Anne for the Reviews.

kaipulani for the Favs.

rhi bradley, kaipulani, FightSong, for the Follows.

632 Hits.

Wattpad:

Ty- arizonaslesbianism, danielaperezsurga, new_being, outlawqueenpercabeth, for the SPECTACULAR comments and stars. JordynMarie05, addiesrep, rene418, for the votes so far.

250 Reads, 40 Votes, 144 Comments. Many people, who added this to their reading lists.

AND THANKS TO EVERYONE ELSE, WHO READS THIS, EVER!

Ps. Thanks to those of you who have PM'd reviews of this work, also!

Special thanks to everyone who has followed me as an author, added me to your favorites, read everything and anything I've ever published. There are more and more of you who invest in my work like that every day, and it warms my heart. My dearest thanks to you all.

* * *

_Ps. New MerAdd fics are up or updated, recently:_

####  [ **Bubble** ](https://archiveofourown.org/works/24426472)

####  [ **All Too Easy** ](https://archiveofourown.org/works/24492184)

[ **Prom?** ](https://archiveofourown.org/works/24438112)

####  [ **101 McDalmatians** ](https://archiveofourown.org/works/24442180)

[ **Five Reasons We Knew Calzona Was Made For Each Other & Five + More 6 Sentence Fics** ](https://archiveofourown.org/works/23515210)

####  [ **Move Over, Derek!** ](https://archiveofourown.org/works/24399436)

_... And there will eventually, soon be new Chapters of these ones up:_

[ **Falling Apart, Barely Breathing** ](https://archiveofourown.org/works/23434480)

####  [ **Second Person (The Diary of Addison Montgomery)** ](https://archiveofourown.org/works/24276160)

####  [ **Soothe** ](https://archiveofourown.org/works/24039004)

####  [ **A Seattle Grace Mercy West Swingers Party - Post Plane Crash Edition** ](https://archiveofourown.org/works/23604244)

####  [ **Out Of The Dark** ](https://archiveofourown.org/works/23528218)

Feel free to check them out, hopefully after you leave a note, and have a great day!

[ **_bobbiejelly_ ** ](https://archiveofourown.org/users/bobbiejelly/pseuds/bobbiejelly)


	9. ANGEL

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> You've never been to Seattle Grace Hospital.
> 
> But you've heard a lot about it from Adele and Richard.
> 
> You know that it's been in the top five teaching hospitals in the US several years running now, and you know it's an accredited transplant center from UNOS, you know there's a TTTS baby case they've been saving for you...
> 
> And you know it's the place where Derek Christopher Shepherd now works.
> 
> That last one being the most memorable thing about it to you now, at the very least.

_Author's Note:_

Thanks for all the comments today, from AddisonAddek and Arizonaslesbianism.

This one is shaping up to be something special, much thanks to you and everyone else!

Cheers to another one, see you on the other side, yay!

_bobbiejelly_

* * *

**CHAPTER CONTENT WARNING:**

**SKIP TO THE TITLE CARD AT YOUR OWN RISK IF YOU DO NOT WANT SPOILERS.**

**MAJOR SPOILERS AHEAD SO CHOOSE WHAT YOU NEED.**

I'm just gonna let you experience this one for yourself.

_bobbiejelly_

* * *

**Love The Way You Lie**

* * *

_Derek Shepherd, your husband, hits you- but you stayed until you couldn't stand up anymore. Your best friend Mark Sloan helped you leave him and you two had some adulterous sex. When you see Derek again in Seattle with another woman, all you want is to save her from him. You didn't mean to fall in love with her. She wasn't supposed to fall in love with you, either. But you both did, anyway._

_-Addison Forbes Montgomery, for Meredith Grey_

_MerAdd. Meddison. F/F. Meredith Grey/Addison Montgomery. Rated E for Explicit. Grey's Anatomy & Private Practice Crossover._

_CW: Domestic Violence. Unhealthy Relationships - Physically & Emotionally Abusive Addek & MerDer. Also briefly okay (non-abusive), Maddison & Mark/Derek._

_*This story is entirely fictional. Please seek professional help for abusive relationships in yourself and others. Take all abuse seriously.*_

* * *

**Chapter 9: ANGEL**

* * *

You can't wait to make your own money again and start repaying your debts, to literally fucking everyone.

You realize you're looking forward to ending things with Derek for once and for all, but you realize that once you see him your confidence might waver and you might take him back with you, instead.

_You find 'Seattle Grace Hospital,' where you know Richard Webber hired your husband, Derek Christopher Shepherd to work, on your cheap GPS._

_You take the exit on the third try and you find the correct parking lot._

_You park your car. You lock the car doors. You walk alone, into the night, and into Seattle._

You've never been to Seattle Grace Hospital.

But you've heard a lot about it from Adele and Richard.

You know that it's been in the top five teaching hospitals in the US several years running now, and you know it's an accredited transplant center from UNOS, you know there's a TTTS baby case they've been saving for you...

_And you know it's the place where Derek Christopher Shepherd now works._

_That last one being the most memorable thing about it to you now, at the very least._

It's larger than you would have expected. As you reach the front entrance you're astonished at how polished the outside looks with its high arching grey ceilings and it's entryway lined with park benches.

You're not sure if this is the main entrance, but you're not unsure of it either.

You realize you doubt yourself about everything these days anyway, so who do you care if you end up in the basement? The worst thing you could find there is billing, right?

_Or bodies. You could end up in the morgue among all the dead bodies. Recently dead bodies..._

You push morbid thoughts away as you reach the front doors. You reach to push them open but they slide open automatically.

_Machines replace humans these days, so it seems…_

You wonder how long it's going to take for you to spy someone you know, but as it turns out, it takes you less than ten seconds.

_Derek._

You spy your husband the moment you walk in through those doors.

You'll never forget his face or his hair or his piercing blue eyes.

You'll never forget his arrogant grin or his voice laced with something familiar.

You'll never forget his expression of pure love and lust.

You'll never forget his look of pure awe and adoration.

You'll never forget his reverence for his mistress who is standing before you, having her coat fied up by your own husband in front of your very eyes.

He doesn't see you yet, so he doesn't know to hate you or fear you or feel guilty for you.

_Not that he would, anyway, it's not like you have not done worse to him not too long, before._

Derek is standing next to a woman you've never met.

This girl, younger than you, looks like an angel about to be entrapped by a devil.

_Your devil._

This girl, Derek lets him put his coat on before putting hers on. And then he helps her adjust the colars while she brushes her hair off her neck, too. This is the girl who he says he wants 'rules,' and a 'relationship,' with, is drop-dead gorgeous and blonde and whimsical and everything anyone might want in a woman.

_She's everything YOU would want in a woman…_

And yet, you're so different.

She's basically the anti-Addison.

This girl, unknown name so far, is younger than you.

She looks smarter than you.

She looks world-weary and wiser than you.

She looks like another surgeon but one who is not already worn down some, like you.

You try not to stare at her, but yet, you do.

You can't get your eyes to refocus on your damn husband because you realize then, at that moment, that this angelic-seeming-Meredith girl is even more entrancing than any other person you have ever met before, and she's even more spectacular than any girl in your dreams, and she looks like someone so far out of reach for you that you know you might die if she ever comes near…

Derek notices you then, and his piercing gaze snaps you out of your inner monologue.

He says to her, "Meredith, I'm so sorry…

That's how you learn her damn name.

In an apology from him to her about your bloody existence.

_Fuck._

You know you are hell for him. He's hell for you. And right now as you approach his new mistress you know that you're _Satan_ calling out the other whore because you were already the first slut of your tumultuous marriage.

As you approach them, your legs are shaking even though you try to stop them from doing so, so much.

You want to appear strong when you face Derek this time, and you want to appear like you've grown up and moved on without him, and yet…

And yet… All you want to do, even more than to intimidate Derek (not that that's even possible, probably, because you know the moment you're close to him that you've met your maker…), is to save this other woman.

She's literally the 'other woman,' in your relationship, the same way that Mark Sloan had once been the 'other man,' because of your treachery.

You should hate her on principle, and by all rights, she should hate you.

_Meredith._

You realize that's her name and you repeat it to yourself as you keep walking step over step over step.

You realize you don't want to hate her, but rescue her.

You don't want her to end up like you.

You wish nothing more than for her to find somebody who can love her the real way.

Not the you-and-Derek-way, which you know but she doesn't know yet based on her clean milky skin involves floggings and whippings and insults of all kinds.

You flashback over ten years ago when you met Derek (and also Mark, you now realize, again).

You remember how sweet and innocent he looked.

You remember how sweet and innocent you must have looked.

You remember how rough-and-tumble the man you now know as Mark looked to you.

And now you're staring at Derek and you know he's far from sweet and innocent.

You know you're not sweet nor innocent but you figure this 'Meredith,' woman probably still is.

This time there's no Mark Sloan, YOU are the entering third party.

You realize you're the random 'third person,' who was never wanted nor desired.

You realize you're the invader and you're about to attack.

You realize you're about to end this slender woman's life as she knows it, and send her into a whole world of pain and hurt once you announce who you are to her 'boyfriend,'.

You feel more sorry for her than for him.

And you know that he'll know that the moment you speak.

And you're sure as you ever have been about anything in your life, that you're about to probably almost die, yet again tonight for the upteenth time.

_Addison._

You realize it was not in your head this time.

"Addison."

You realize it's HIM talking to YOU, in front of HER, and no less.

"Addison, what, are you doing here?" Derek asks in the gentlest possible tone he can manage.

_You know he's pretending to play nice for his girlfriend/mistress, and you hate him for that, but for her._

This girl snaps her head up to him in alarm, after figuring out at that moment that you're not a stranger to Derek, and that you have not been for some time now.

_For over 13 years, to be exact, but she probably has had no way of knowing that, yet._

(Thirteen. What a fucking unlucky number. Not that you're superstitious, now. Or are you? You probably are.)

"Well, you would know if you'd bothered to return up any one of my phone calls," you snark back at him.

You realize you've hardly ever talked back to him in the over ten years you've been married, the nearly twelve-or-so years you've been dating, then nearly 13 years you've known Derek Shepherd.

You realize you're being bold and brazen because you're in the lobby of Seattle Grace Hospital where Derek now works and you will soon work and there are people milling about so you know he can't just punch you in the face here.

_Months later, you will learn that Derek actually has no qualms of hitting people in the face at his workplace, he just didn't hit anyone that time in particular._

You see he's not wearing his wedding ring, and you feel in your fingers you're still wearing yours.

_The bastard. Having a bare left hand before he's officially left you so he can pick up a young girl… Somewhere in Seattle?_

You look in between them now, eyes cold as ice as you glare at him and eyes soft and tender when you look at her, or at least you desperately hope so, for everyone's sake, mostly hers...

You turn to her, you turn away from him, and you extend your hand like a 'normal person,'.

_As if you weren't some battered and bruised woman beneath your black fur coat you wore because it's just too damn cold in Seattle…_

"Hi, I'm Addison Shepherd," you manage to say without stuttering in the least bit.

_You'll never figure out how you managed that much._

She takes your hand into hers and her sweet delicate fingers wrap around yours and you think you see stars.

_Focus on the reason you're here, Addison, you tell yourself in alarm._

"Shepherd!?" The girl, Meredith, says to you in a musical voice.

_God, he sure has good taste, doesn't he? At least in other women, he does. Or at least with Meredith he sure does because the way she says his/your name as it rolls off her lips makes you want to melt to the floor and fall right at her feet…_

You hate more than anything the first word she ever spoke to you was his name.

_Shepherd._

Well, yours, too.

For the moment.

But she doesn't know that part, yet.

And neither do you for that matter.

Because you still haven't made up your mind about divorcing Derek quite yet.

_You were sure until this girl came into the picture. Now you want to take him back for all the wrong reasons. Now you want Derek to want you just to take him away from HER._

You smile a tight smile as you hear Derek smirk and gruff in amusement.

_What an ass he sure is._

You release the girl's hand and point a finger to her face.

She's going to hate you forever for what you're about to say.

But you say it anyway, before you lose your momentum, because you know she's better off hating both of you than loving your husband.

_Derek._

You lock into Meredith's eyes as you take a deep breath.

You feel Derek's gaze as you widen your lips.

You feel more like Addison than you have ever been as you bellow…

"Addison Shepherd…" You hate the sound of it the moment it teases your tongue.

_It's for the best, you justify. You ARE Addison Shepherd, and you always will be. You'll never escape now and you might never want to. You're the doomed wife who's taken on his family history and you'll go down in the books under all his accomplishments. You'll never be just 'Montgomery,' ever again…?_

"And you must be the woman who's been screwing my husband," you finally manage, pointing to Derek from Meredith halfway through your damn sentence.

And in the silence that surrounds you all, one could hear a single pin drop.

Her breath catches, and his doesn't as he looks from her to you.

_Meredith._

The girl looks devastated, hurt and betrayed beyond belief, no going back at all ever again…

_You wish you could tell her how much of a heartbreaker he really is._

_You wish you could tell her he's not worth it to her, no matter how much she thinks he is._

_You wish you could tell her that this is the least ruinous of his crimes, even though at this point, you know it's probably the worst thing she's experienced from Derek, thus far…_

You see her trace an invisible line in her imagination with her eyes as they move slowly from you over to him.

You see her eye him in a new light, in an 'adulterous bitch,' light, and you seek comfort in the fact that her eyes light up with rage.

She looks like she wants to fight him, and you admire her fight.

Maybe you had it in you once, but you've lost it all now.

You're not up to challenging him, but it looks like she might be.

_Meredith._

The three of you stand there unmoving in the lobby of Seattle Grace Hospital.

It's evening time and the rain is pouring down and the sky is black as you know Derek's heart now to be.

You look between all you three and you realize you represent, and you could be, and you maybe are…

The three pillars of good and evil themselves.

You are Satan and he is The Devil.

And she is an Angel sent down right from heaven.

If you believe in heaven and you believe in hell, then he is your hell, and she is…

You realize at that moment you'd go to the deepest depths of the underworld to keep her from harm.

You'd descend past your limits of torture to keep him from dragging her down with him.

You look at the girl, Meredith, and she's all bright and shiny and new.

And you're the fallen spirit, who's been crumbled up too many times like mildew.

And he's the one who leaves you broken and blue and a little bit bruised.

And you realize as the girl looks back up to him, that your very worst fears, are true.

She's not walking away from him, she's not yelling or kicking or screaming or making a fuss.

She knows who he is to you, to her, and she's standing there anyway.

She likes him still, and you know she likes him the very same way that you do.

Meredith loves him already, and she loves him still, now.

Derek loves you, Derek loves himself, and Derek loves Meredith.

You love Derek, you don't love yourself anymore. _And you could just might fall in love with-_

Meredith hates Derek, and she hates you, and she hates herself even more.

You see the broken look in her eye, in the way that she looks at him.

It's the same broken look in your eye, that you have when you look at him.

_You love Derek, but even more, you love the way that he lies to you._

_And so does she._

_And it breaks your damn heart._

_But for her, not for him._

_You hate yourself even more._

* * *

*

*

*

*

*

***** **END OF CHAPTER NINE**

* * *

_Author's Note:_

Okay, so channeling some vibes of "Unhinged (AddisonandDerekandMark)" by AddisonAddek there, y'know what I'm sayin'? These references are getting incorrigible I know… I hope you continue taking them as a compliment!

Did you expect this to happen?

Probably.

Was it effective?

Hopefully.

Do you want more?

Maybe.

Let me know in the comments, folks, I know the last cliffhanger was tough and well, so is this one, potentially.

This work has earned its place as one of my favorite things ever to have started.

And now I want to do right by it and it's going to be slow…

Yes, Meredith is now in the picture.

Yes, Derek is still in the picture.

And yes, Addison is still torn apart.

Who knows what could happen, but whatever it is it will be better and faster if you leave a review!

THANK YOU FOR MAKING IT THIS FAR WITH ME. It's been a blast. Take care now!

_bobbiejelly_

* * *

Dedications, June 4, 2020, Chapter 9:

EVERYONE WHO READS THIS SO FAR AND COMMENTS, LIKES, FAVORITES, FOLLOWS, ADDS TO READING LIST ETC.

Ao3:

AddisonAddek for the phenomenal Comments. Can't thank you enough!

KyHasNoLife, Arahneia, AddisonAddek, Hotgitay and 2 guests for the Kudos.

Subscriptions: 1 Hits: 142 Kudos: 6 Comment Threads: 8 Bookmarks: 0

Fanfiction:

rhi bradley and Anne for the Reviews.

kaipulani, , for the Favs.

rhi bradley, kaipulani, FightSong, , kjo2000, for the Follows.

690 Hits.

Wattpad:

Ty- arizonaslesbianism (bonus!), danielaperezsurga, new_being, outlawqueenpercabeth, for the SPECTACULAR comments and stars. JordynMarie05, addiesrep, rene418, for the votes so far.

275 Reads, 44 Votes, 223 Comments. Many people, who added this to their reading lists.

AND THANKS TO EVERYONE ELSE, WHO READS THIS, EVER!

Ps. Thanks to those of you who have PM'd reviews of this work, also!

Special thanks to everyone who has followed me as an author, added me to your favorites, read everything and anything I've ever published. There are more and more of you who invest in my work like that every day, and it warms my heart. My dearest thanks to you all.

* * *

_Ps. New MerAdd fics are up or updated, recently:_

####  [**Cookies & Quickies**](https://archiveofourown.org/works/23878315)

####  [ **Bubble** ](https://archiveofourown.org/works/24426472)

####  [ **All Too Easy** ](https://archiveofourown.org/works/24492184)

[ **Prom?** ](https://archiveofourown.org/works/24438112)

####  [ **101 McDalmatians** ](https://archiveofourown.org/works/24442180)

[ **Five Reasons We Knew Calzona Was Made For Each Other & Five + More 6 Sentence Fics** ](https://archiveofourown.org/works/23515210)

_... And there will eventually, soon be new Chapters of these ones up:_

[ **Falling Apart, Barely Breathing** ](https://archiveofourown.org/works/23434480)

####  [ **Second Person (The Diary of Addison Montgomery)** ](https://archiveofourown.org/works/24276160)

####  [ **Soothe** ](https://archiveofourown.org/works/24039004)

####  [ **A Seattle Grace Mercy West Swingers Party - Post Plane Crash Edition** ](https://archiveofourown.org/works/23604244)

####  [ **Out Of The Dark** ](https://archiveofourown.org/works/23528218)

Feel free to check them out, hopefully after you leave a note, and have a great day!

[ **_bobbiejelly_ ** ](https://archiveofourown.org/users/bobbiejelly/pseuds/bobbiejelly)


	10. YOU HAD A LIFE

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> You stare at your husband of over ten years and you stare at his girlfriend/mistress.
> 
> You stare somewhere in between them.
> 
> You stare blankly into space.

_Author's Note:_

Thanks for all the comments today, from AddisonAddek and Arizonaslesbianism.

This one is shaping up to be something special, much thanks to you and everyone else!

Cheers to another one, see you on the other side, yay!

This one is short, but I'm planning a longer and better one for tomorrow.

Thanks for your patience!

_bobbiejelly_

* * *

**CHAPTER CONTENT WARNING:**

**SKIP TO THE TITLE CARD AT YOUR OWN RISK IF YOU DO NOT WANT SPOILERS.**

**MAJOR SPOILERS AHEAD SO CHOOSE WHAT YOU NEED.**

I'm just gonna let you experience this one for yourself.

_bobbiejelly_

* * *

**Love The Way You Lie**

* * *

_Derek Shepherd, your husband, hits you- but you stayed until you couldn't stand up anymore. Your best friend Mark Sloan helped you leave him and you two had some adulterous sex. When you see Derek again in Seattle with another woman, all you want is to save her from him. You didn't mean to fall in love with her. She wasn't supposed to fall in love with you, either. But you both did, anyway._

_-Addison Forbes Montgomery, for Meredith Grey_

_MerAdd. Meddison. F/F. Meredith Grey/Addison Montgomery. Rated E for Explicit. Grey's Anatomy & Private Practice Crossover._

_CW: Domestic Violence. Unhealthy Relationships - Physically & Emotionally Abusive Addek & MerDer. Also briefly okay (non-abusive), Maddison & Mark/Derek._

_*This story is entirely fictional. Please seek professional help for abusive relationships in yourself and others. Take all abuse seriously.*_

* * *

**Chapter 10: YOU HAD A LIFE**

* * *

_Y_ _ou love Derek Christopher Shepherd, but even more, you love the way that he lies to you._

_And so does Meredith._

_And it breaks your damn heart._

_But for her, not for him._

_You hate yourself even more._

You stare at your husband of over ten years and you stare at his girlfriend/mistress.

You stare somewhere in between them.

You stare blankly into space.

You expect the other woman to run, but she doesn't.

You expect the other woman to leave, but she doesn't.

You expect the other woman to fight or flee, but she stays.

Meredith stays, Derek stays, and you stay standing there in the damn lobby of Seattle Grace Hospital and you think that it's the stupidest fucking name for a workplace that now hosts the world's most fucked-up love/hate square that's ever known to mankind.

_You realize that Meredith doesn't even know it's a damn square yet, because if he hasn't told her about you, he certainly hasn't told her about Mark Sloan, and so you're sure she's in the dark about your/Mark's past crimes and you're not comforted at all by this thought._

"Addison, what are you doing here?!" Derek spits out venomously at you.

_Jesus, you married me, what the hell did you want me to do?! You don't say to him, now or ever._

You start speaking anyway because you realize he won't stop and she won't start and you can't stand the shit tension.

"Your hair's different," you say lamely as if to give him a compliment.

"A lot of things are different," he spits out to you.

_You're a cheater, he's a cheater, he works at Seattle Grace. You work at Seattle Grace…_

_You were pregnant, now you're not. He was in New York, now he's not..._

_You were with Mark, you left him. He was with you, he's now with Meredith..._

Listing off all the damn differences isn't helping you, either.

"It's longer, I like it, it's very… Russel Crowe…" You manage as you reach out to touch it and he pulls away from you.

_You've never known him to not want you to touch him, but you realize that you touching him is probably not nearly as enticing as Meredith touching him, and for once you agree with him on that fact, although you'll never admit it out loud to anyone, ever, in all likelihood._

"WHAT ARE YOU DOING HERE?!" He's raising his voice and you're glad because maybe Meredith will take the hint and walk right away from him.

"WHAT ARE YOU DOING HERE?!" You bellow right back at him.

"You just pick up and leave everything, your house, your Practice, your friends…?" You ask a million questions at once but the last one hurts you the most.

As you say it you realize your voice is shaking and you're probably not very convincing.

_Whatever, it's not like you're trying to win an acting award, anyway._

You also realize you've said "your friends," because you realize they are, and that they've always been his more than yours.

_Naomi and Sam even said it was hard to believe you. You banged Mark once at the Brownstone and you haven't heard from him since you left his apartment. That leaves no other friends._

_Maya Bennett doesn't count, you think, because she's an infant and she cannot talk yet._

_You realize you probably love your Godchild more than any of - your other - his other - friends._

"You had a life in New York," you say, even though you're not sure where you're going with this.

"Had," Derek says point-blank as if he wants to prove to you that he no longer wants you.

_Well, this seducing him away from his mistress might prove more challenging than you originally thought._

Meredith is still standing there, wide-eyed at you two, and you try not to glance over at her all the damn time.

You wonder what that girl is thinking, and why she's not turned on her heels and left this hospital yet.

You wonder if her reasons for staying are your reasons, that she's just as used to domestic chaos and it comforts her in a way that it shouldn't.

_You'll get your answer at some point probably, but not now, and not right in front of him._

"And now you have a girlfriend," you announce, and it stirs something in you that he has not called you his girlfriend in over ten years, because calling you his 'wife,' sounds like he owns you all just that much more.

"In Seattle," you emphasize. You're actually not sure why you emphasized the location.

Duh. You're in Seattle. Why the hell are you rambling?

_Because Meredith is STILL FUCKING HERE. What the fuck is her problem? Your problem?_

_Your problems? Your problem? Your co-dependent-co-Derek?_

_No. Just her problems and your problems. Not together problems. Just stupid Derek._

"She seems… Sweet…" You say as you roll your eyes to the ceiling.

You know that Meredith can hear you say all of this.

You're looking up and praying to high heavens she doesn't catch on to the crack in your voice.

You can't talk about her to him. You can't. It just doesn't work that way.

_You like her already. You hope she doesn't like you. She needs to stay the fuck away from both of you because you know you'll just bring bad news._

"The ice you're on? It's thinner!" Derek whispers at you, too low for his _whatever_ to hear.

"She's YOUNG," you say, as if you want to say 'she's too damn young for you, Derek," but you can't say that all before he walks away.

"That whole 'ooh he's a brain surgeon thing', happening," you keep snarking as you turn around and you try to face him.

He turns around, too, so he can keep listening.

_He's showing he's listening for Meredith's benefit. You know it because he's never turned around just for you. Not even the day that he met you..._

"But still sweet, which is what you were going for, right? The anti-Addison?" You realize you're complimenting your husband's girlfriend/mistress to your husband while staring at her over his shoulder and you should probably be kicked off paradise just for that fact alone.

But then again, you were out of that dream long ago, and you definitely are now.

"If you came out here to try to win me back you can forget about it," Derek stands strong and puffs his chest out.

_Stay strong, Addison. Stay strong. For the other girl please stay strong…_

You take step over step over step towards him (and her…) as you keep on talking...

"I did, I flew all the way across the country, to reminisce over wedding photos, get drunk, fall into bed and make you realize you can't fall into bed without me…" You say in a low one that probably seduced him at some point.

_Maybe that voice only seduces Mark Sloan, you groan internally at the thought._

He doesn't blink and you know he's calling your bluff.

"Relax, Derek, I'm here for work," you affirm, and you know this probably impresses him seeing as you've been fucking homeless and unemployed for many months.

"I'm helping with the TTTS you've admitted last week-" you can't meet his gaze as you say this part because you're thinking of the Adele Webber-Richard Webber-SomeOtherWoman love triangle and how you know all sides of it and you wonder how much Derek knows about that…

"And from Richard's briefing-" You start, but Derek cuts you off right again.

"RICHARD KNEW YOU WERE COMING OUT HERE?!" Derek practically shouts at you.

"HE ASKED ME TO COME, DIDN'T HE TELL YOU?," You half-life and half tell the truth because you're not going to say that you begged for it.

"NO HE DIDN'T" Derek shout-whispers, then lowers his voice to a hush.

_He can tell that Meredith is still eyeing him and he's trying to play his damn cards right._

"WELL, I'M SURPRISED!" You exclaim before you turn around him and lean into his neck.

_You don't even feel him shiver at you like he used to. You can tell he isn't probably even turned on by you, now. You don't feel anything for him right now, either…_

"The hair though, you know I've always had a thing for Russell Crowe…"

You feel like you're whoring yourself out right now.

Even though that doesn't make sense since you're actually married to this man.

And he's married to you even though he's made a slut of an angel.

_You wonder why Meredith doesn't just hate him plain and simple._

_Why is she standing there still all doe-eyed?_

_Could she even be more pretty than she already is… You have no idea but you think that she could. You really have to get out of here-_

You go to stalk away but then Derek catches you.

He grabs you by the wrist, tightly, and you don't move because you know he'll just pull.

' _See, Meredith? See what he does to me? He'll treat you like property too, just you wait. You should really go now…' You wish you could yell._

You don't, though, and Meredith just watches with morbid fascination as he handles you and you submit to him and he says he's taking you both out.

You wonder if Derek means he's going to punch you until you can't see anymore.

Meredith is probably wondering if he means he's dragging you both to a bar.

_Hours into the evening, you'll realize-_

* * *

*

*

*

*

*

***** **END OF CHAPTER TEN**

* * *

_Author's Note:_

Yes, the ending mid-sentence was deliberate. Sorry, that's all you'll get for tonight, it's really really late here! But I just got a huge writer's I don't know what...

So this was canonical but also not.

I'm hoping to strike a balance here between boring and repetitive and new and different.

Let me know how that stands.

In the show, Meredith is long gone by this point, and Addison and Derek are having this conversation alone.

In this story, Meredith doesn't leave where she's standing and she's witnessing the entire exchange.

Hope that was clear, but if it wasn't, I hope it's clear now.

Let me know what you think, this is a quick turnaround but I don't know if the next one will be?

_bobbiejelly_

* * *

Dedications, June 5, 2020, Chapter 10:

EVERYONE WHO READS THIS SO FAR AND COMMENTS, LIKES, FAVORITES, FOLLOWS, ADDS TO READING LIST ETC.

Ao3:

AddisonAddek for the phenomenal Comments. Can't thank you enough!

Illyiad, KyHasNoLife, Arahneia, AddisonAddek, Hotgitay and 2 guests for the Kudos.

Subscriptions: 1 Hits: 149 Kudos: 7 Comment Threads: 8 Bookmarks: 0

Fanfiction:

rhi bradley and Anne for the Reviews.

kaipulani, , for the Favs.

rhi bradley, kaipulani, FightSong, , kjo2000, for the Follows.

733 Hits.

Wattpad:

Ty- arizonaslesbianism (bonus!), danielaperezsurga, new_being, outlawqueenpercabeth, for the SPECTACULAR comments and stars. JordynMarie05, addiesrep, rene418, for the votes so far.

284 Reads, 47 Votes, 256 Comments. Many people, who added this to their reading lists.

AND THANKS TO EVERYONE ELSE, WHO READS THIS, EVER!

Ps. Thanks to those of you who have PM'd reviews of this work, also!

Special thanks to everyone who has followed me as an author, added me to your favorites, read everything and anything I've ever published. There are more and more of you who invest in my work like that every day, and it warms my heart. My dearest thanks to you all.

* * *

_ Ps. New MerAdd fics are up or updated, recently: _

####  [**Cookies & Quickies**](https://archiveofourown.org/works/23878315)

####  [ **Bubble** ](https://archiveofourown.org/works/24426472)

####  [ **All Too Easy** ](https://archiveofourown.org/works/24492184)

[ **Prom?** ](https://archiveofourown.org/works/24438112)

####  [ **101 McDalmatians** ](https://archiveofourown.org/works/24442180)

[ **Five Reasons We Knew Calzona Was Made For Each Other & Five + More 6 Sentence Fics** ](https://archiveofourown.org/works/23515210)

_... And there will eventually, soon be new Chapters of these ones up: _

[ **Falling Apart, Barely Breathing** ](https://archiveofourown.org/works/23434480)

####  [ **Second Person (The Diary of Addison Montgomery)** ](https://archiveofourown.org/works/24276160)

####  [ **Soothe** ](https://archiveofourown.org/works/24039004)

####  [ **A Seattle Grace Mercy West Swingers Party - Post Plane Crash Edition** ](https://archiveofourown.org/works/23604244)

####  [ **Out Of The Dark** ](https://archiveofourown.org/works/23528218)

Feel free to check them out, hopefully after you leave a note, and have a great day!

[ **_bobbiejelly_ ** ](https://archiveofourown.org/users/bobbiejelly/pseuds/bobbiejelly)


	11. LINOLEUM ROSES

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> "We're going out," Derek motions between you and Meredith so that you both know he means all three of you.

_Author's Note:_

Here's the 'good,' chapter I promised after yesterday's short one.

I'm proud of this one.

Let me know if you liked it in the comments!

_bobbiejelly_

* * *

**CHAPTER CONTENT WARNING:**

**SKIP TO THE TITLE CARD AT YOUR OWN RISK IF YOU DO NOT WANT SPOILERS.**

**MAJOR SPOILERS AHEAD SO CHOOSE WHAT YOU NEED.**

Language. As in swearing. A lot of it. Bad, bad, bad words…

Graphic descriptions of violence.

Emotional Abuse.

Verbal Abuse.

_bobbiejelly_

* * *

**Love The Way You Lie**

* * *

_Derek Shepherd, your husband, hits you- but you stayed until you couldn't stand up anymore. Your best friend Mark Sloan helped you leave him and you two had some adulterous sex. When you see Derek again in Seattle with another woman, all you want is to save her from him. You didn't mean to fall in love with her. She wasn't supposed to fall in love with you, either. But you both did, anyway._

_-Addison Forbes Montgomery, for Meredith Grey_

_MerAdd. Meddison. F/F. Meredith Grey/Addison Montgomery. Rated E for Explicit. Grey's Anatomy & Private Practice Crossover._

_CW: Domestic Violence. Unhealthy Relationships - Physically & Emotionally Abusive Addek & MerDer. Also briefly okay (non-abusive), Maddison & Mark/Derek._

_*This story is entirely fictional. Please seek professional help for abusive relationships in yourself and others. Take all abuse seriously.*_

* * *

**Chapter 11: LINOLEUM ROSES**

* * *

_You go to stalk away but then Derek catches you._

_He grabs you by the wrist, tightly, and you don't move because you know he'll just pull._

_'See, Meredith? See what he does to me? He'll treat you like property too, just you wait. You should really go now…' You wish you could yell._

_You don't, though, and Meredith just watches with morbid fascination as he handles you and you submit to him and he says he's taking you both out._

_You wonder if Derek means he's going to punch you until you can't see anymore._

_Meredith is probably wondering if he means he's dragging you both to a bar._

_Hours into the evening, you'll realize-_

"We're going out," Derek motions between you and Meredith so that you both know he means all three of you.

"Where?" Meredith just asks curiously.

' _Run away, Meredith! Get out of here! Leave me with him… You'll be better for it… ' you never say…_

"Joe's," Derek deadpans, and that must mean something to Meredith but it doesn't mean anything to you as you watch Meredith's eyebrows raise up at her… Your… Derek.

"You're going to tell me what's going on, right?" Meredith says in a bit of a fit to Derek, as she motions for him to start talking while Derek's still got an iron grip on your wrist.

"Of course," Derek says in a charismatic voice, and you get why Meredith is falling for it because you fell for that voice over a decade ago, too, when you were about that woman's age.

"Then let's go!" Meredith insists, and she's leading you both out the door.

You feel Meredith's palm on your back as she slips in behind both you and Derek and pushes you forward.

_Her touch feels so soothing, I don't want her to ever let go. By contrast, Derek's touch feels terrifying. But I still don't want him to ever let go…_

You're not sure what the plan is, here, because you're not sure driving to a bar is a good idea.

But as it turns out, 'Joe's bar,' is across the street from the hospital, and apparently it's the first place Derek and Meredith met on their first night in Seattle.

It's not actually called 'Joe's,' it's the Emerald City Bar. Joe is the name of the bartender who comes to ask what you want, as Meredith ushers him over by name and places hers and Derek's usual order.

"She'll have a red wine," Derek orders for you before you can get a word in.

You close your mouth. You forget to say thank you. Derek gives you a look that says 'you'll pay for that, later.'

Joe looks at the trio of you curiously before he walks away to get you your glasses.

You wonder why he's walking so slowly, but then again, it's not like you're in any rush.

_Why is no one asking why there is a sudden third wheel accompanying Derek and Meredith?_

Meredith asks Derek to start talking, and he explains that you, Addison, his wife, is a lying whore who is no good for anyone, and that he met you in New York, and that you were the biggest piece of ass he ever laid eyes on.

You're really curious why Derek never mentioned the cheating or Mark or your sudden disappearance for nine months, but he doesn't, and you don't give that up, either.

Meredith asks why the hell he took off his wedding ring to hit on a 29-year-old at a bar and take her home that very evening.

_Twenty-nine. She's a decade younger than me. Exactly. She's stunning for 29. I never would have even guessed..._

Derek just ramps up the charm and says she was too stunning to resist a chance with.

_Jesus. You and your husband have the same opinion about women. Shocker._

You don't say anything, though, you just look between them both and the floor.

Derek doesn't motion for you to join in on the conversation, and you know when he gets like this that he'd rather you don't speak for yourself.

_You remember like riding a bicycle how to handle yourself around your husband._

Meredith eyes you with intense curiosity, but she doesn't speak aloud to you, she just quivers an eyebrow as if to ask you silently if you agree with his story.

You nod imperceptibly.

She nods back imperceptibly.

You're sure you might be imagining it but maybe you're not, and you two seem to have very quickly established a means of wordless communication.

You're grateful for her, endlessly, for her to have taken that split second to ask you what you thought.

Most people just talk over you, or don't realize you haven't said a word, or don't even look in your direction.

You realize as you sit one seat across from Meredith with Derek in the middle that in comparison to who you were in medical school, that you're not the looker you once were.

You realize you're probably old and used-looking. You certainly feel like you are.

_No one has told you how beautiful you are. Probably ever. Or not that you ever remember…_

"So what happens now?" Meredith asks Derek but she also asks you with her eyes.

Meredith asks as if you are a voting party in this fucked-up situation, and you're not sure how to take her sudden interest in your opinion.

You're not sure why she's giving you the benefit of the doubt, seeing as you just met her and called her a homewrecker.

But she is, and you don't know the answer to her question, so you shrug and she takes that as your piece in the answer.

"I still want you," Derek says to both of you and to no one in particular.

Meredith is narrowing her eyes at him to see if he means her or you.

He gives her a dreamy smile along with an eye pout to give her an answer that he means Meredith.

He simultaneously moves his hand over to you to squeeze you under your rib to let you know he means you, too.

Derek wants to own you both, and he wants to not decide, because he knows he has you both at his mercy and that you won't let go because you're afraid and Meredith won't let go because she's not afraid but you wish she would be.

You're his wife, Meredith is his girlfriend.

She's his ex-mistress and also his current mistress. You feel like you're just the 'wife on the side.'

Derek Christopher Shepherd has two women at once now.

And yet, the moment he saw you naked with another man you were on the ground bleeding.

' _Interesting, don't you think?' Mark Sloan might have said, had he been here._

Joe brings you your drinks now.

Meredith picks up the tequila shot, licks her wrist, shakes the salt on it, licks the salt off.

She shoots back the shooter all in one go and she shoves the lime in her mouth forcefully.

_It's the most erotic thing you've witnessed in years..._

Derek hands you your red wine and you sip it impossibly slowly.

You don't want to get drunk tonight because you don't want to forget details.

Whatever goes down after this, you know it'll be important, so you try not to get tipsy with yourhead in your glass.

Derek reaches for his single-malt-scotch.

You know that's what it is before Joe even announces it.

The bartender says it warily, and you're not sure if he's just tired or what.

He leaves, the bartender, Joe, that is, he leaves.

And then you're alone again, with your husband and his new girlfriend.

And you've never felt more strange in your entire life.

_Why is Meredith still with you two? Why did she not walk out the door? Why does she still want Derek even if she knows full well she's only getting half of him, probably not, even more?_

Then, Derek does something very unexpected.

He gets up, and he starts to move away from the two of you, temporarily.

"Bathroom," Derek grunts, and offers Meredith a smile and you a very piercing glare.

You both nod at him, and you both realize you're both nodding. You nod at each other.

When Derek is out of earshot she asks you what your name is.

You're confused because you already said that, but she asks you again.

"Addison," you say. "No, your last name?" Meredith tries again. "Shepherd?" You try.

Meredith shakes her head at you and suddenly it dawns on you. "Montgomery," you say.

"Addison Montgomery?" Meredith finally asks you to confirm this, and you do.

_You realize you have not said your last name aloud in reference to yourself in over a decade._

"Meredith Grey," Meredith offers, and motions to shake your hand a second time.

You take it, and you feel the same sparks. This time your hand is wrapping hers, and you're careful not to squeeze too tight. She squeezes you back a bit, and you almost cry but you don't.

You eye Meredith Grey, because you now know her full name, with a very sad expression. She eyes you back as if to say, 'I'm sorry,'.

You say it first though.

"I'm so sorry, Meredith," you offer, apologizing about your existence. About his existence. About the state, you're all in.

"You didn't know, it's not your fault," Meredith says, gesturing to herself.

"You didn't know, either, it's not your fault," You say, gesturing to yourself.

Meredith nods. You nod back at her. You nod with each other.

Then you move away again because you hear the washroom door opening.

Derek is back.

_Derek Christopher Shepherd._

You wonder if she knows his middle name.

You realize, of all the other things that don't matter.

You realize you're not sure what Mark Sloan's middle name is but that doesn't matter either.

_You're still a slut and a whore, and he's just a player. Mark is still Derek's friend. And Mark doesn't call you no more._

This time, you want to go to the washroom and you excuse yourself to do so.

You half expect Meredith to follow you.

_You wish she would follow you._

But she doesn't.

You go into the women's washroom, half expecting to see Meredith knock on the door.

You fix your makeup, you get ready, you're about to leave when you realize you're no longer alone.

It isn't Meredith, though. It's not a woman at all. Instead, it's your husband, Derek.

And he's locking the door.

You go to stalk away but then Derek catches you.

He grabs you by the wrist, tightly, and you don't move because you know he'll just pull.

'See, Meredith? See what he does to me? He'll treat you like property too, just you wait. You should really go now…' You wish you could yell.

You don't, though, and Meredith is not here this time, to just watch with morbid fascination as he handles you and you submit to him and he says he's taking you both out.

You wonder if Derek means he's going to punch you until you can't see anymore.

Meredith was probably wondering if he means he's dragging you both to a bar - HE DID.

_Hours into the evening, you'll realize-_

"You're such a cunt," Derek is yelling at you, but softly, so softly, right into your ear.

"What?" You ask because you're not sure you heard him correctly.

"YOU ARE SUCH A CUNT," Derek smacks you now, and your rib burns because that's where he's hit you.

It's been so long since he's laid a hand on you that you feel the pain as hard as the first time.

It's like you're a virgin again. Only a virgin to beatings. Only this time is not your first time at all.

You're not sure what you did wrong, but you know that it's bad for him, definitely.

"DO NOT TALK TO MY GIRLFRIEND WHILE I'M NOT AROUND," he yells but only into your ear so nobody else can hear you.

_Oh. That's what happened. He must have seen you and Meredith shaking hands._

"DO NOT TOUCH MY GIRLFRIEND WHILE I'M AROUND OR EVEN NOT," Derek adds to his demands.

He punctuates this one with a punch to the gut, and he slams you against the back of the door when you almost keel over on impact.

"DON'T YOU DARE SCREW MY MISTRESS," Derek punctuates loudly.

"What?" You say in confusion, surprised that Derek would even think of this as a possibility, for you/her?

_Well, you were ogling her, even more than you ogled Mark. You really should be more careful..._

"MEREDITH IS MINE. YOU'RE MINE. GOT IT?" Derek kicks you this time.

He's being careful so his noises sound like he's getting laid.

You're being careful so you're not making noises.

You know the drill, so does he. He's beaten you before in public and you have a routine.

"YOU'RE STILL MY BITCH, ADDISON SHEPHERD, YOU ALWAYS WILL BE," Derek finally knocks you out to the floor.

Your head hits the door on your way down, Derek leaves you there, he locks you in right behind him.

You don't know where he heads off to, but you imagine he's taking Meredith home now, alone.

You wonder what lies he told her about you.

You wonder if he said you're sick or if he said you wanted to stay at Joe's or that you are drunk.

_You went to stalk away but then Derek caught on to you._

_He grabbed you by the wrist, tightly, and you didn't move because you know he'll just pull._

_'See, Meredith? See what he does to me? He'll treat you like property too, just you wait. You should really go now…' You wish you could have yelled._

_You didn't, though, and Meredith_ _was not here this time, to_ _just watch with morbid fascination as he handled you and you submitted to him and he said he's taking you both out._

_You wonder if Derek means he's going to punch you until you couldn't see anymore. - HE DID._

_Meredith was probably wondering if he meant he's dragging you both to a bar -_ _HE DID._

_Hours into the evening, you'll realize-_

You didn't realize absolutely anything hours into that particular evening.

You were passed out like a light ten minutes later.

It was almost dawn when you woke up, bleeding and bruised but only in the places your shirt covers up.

_Derek is a master at this now. It's practically his own art form. He could do it better than surgery…_

Hours into the early morning, you realize that you were both equally right. But you blacked out for some or all of that or at least right after, despite barely drinking your red wine at all, so you don't remember in what order it happened.

You'll never ask him, and you know that Meredith would never know.

She's a smart girl, but you know it'll have to be you and Derek's word against hers.

Hiding the secret you hope she never has to find out for herself.

_He beat me up in a dirty bar bathroom, and then he walked away with his mistress._

_And she probably left with him._

_And he probably loved that._

The first time you realize you can see again is when you blink your eyes open staring down at the floor tile of the Emerald City Bar bathroom.

You see a string of linoleum roses and you think of how fitting they are with the paint color.

You realize they are red like your blood and your hair and your scars.

You pass out again, but not too long, because you know you have to work in the morning.

When you finally pick yourself up off the floor, you realize you're the only one still here.

Or so you think, until you see the bartender, Joe, collapsing with a heart attack behind the bar counter.

You call 9-1-1.

You start CPR.

_You arrive at Seattle Grace Hospital for the second time in your life in an ambulance with most people's damn favorite barkeep spread out on a stretcher._

_You see Richard Webber nodding approvingly at you as if you were a hero._

_You don't feel like one at all._

_You saved one man but you couldn't save yourself last night._

_And you couldn't save Meredith Grey from your husband Derek Shepherd._

_And you're still not sure yet if Joe is going to live yet or die._

* * *

*

*

*

*

*

***** **END OF CHAPTER ELEVEN**

* * *

_Author's Note:_

So, I'm writing Meredith in as 29. It's highly debated how old she is depending on which timeline you follow, and I've written her in before as 26 in other stories but it always felt weird.

And I like the poetry of Addison and Meredith being a decade apart.

And this is where the canon will diverge and converge because I want drama.

And ironically, Meredith being more into Derek is where I want to take this story first.

Oops.

But MerAdd had a moment. Did you like that? I bet you did...

Let me know your thoughts, here. Favorite parts? Predictions? Analysis?

The title to this chapter, "Linoleum Roses," is Chapter 40 of "The House On Mango Street," by Sandra Cisneros. It is also about a young girl in an abusive relationship, and I thought I'd give an homage to that classic.

_bobbiejelly_

* * *

Dedications, June 5, 2020, Chapter 11:

EVERYONE WHO READS THIS SO FAR AND COMMENTS, LIKES, FAVORITES, FOLLOWS, ADDS TO READING LIST ETC.

Ao3:

AddisonAddek for the phenomenal Comments. Can't thank you enough!

Illyiad, KyHasNoLife, Arahneia, AddisonAddek, Hotgitay and 2 guests for the Kudos.

Subscriptions: 1 Hits: 167 Kudos: 7 Comment Threads: 11 Bookmarks: 0

Fanfiction:

rhi bradley and Anne for the Reviews.

kaipulani, , for the Favs.

rhi bradley, kaipulani, FightSong, , kjo2000, for the Follows.

888 Hits.

Wattpad:

Ty- arizonaslesbianism (bonus!), danielaperezsurga, new_being, outlawqueenpercabeth, for the SPECTACULAR comments and stars. JordynMarie05, addiesrep, rene418, for the votes so far.

317 Reads, 53 Votes, 272 Comments. Many people, who added this to their reading lists.

AND THANKS TO EVERYONE ELSE, WHO READS THIS, EVER!

Ps. Thanks to those of you who have PM'd reviews of this work, also!

Special thanks to everyone who has followed me as an author, added me to your favorites, read everything and anything I've ever published. There are more and more of you who invest in my work like that every day, and it warms my heart. My dearest thanks to you all.

* * *

_Ps. New MerAdd fics are up or updated, recently:_

####  [**Cookies & Quickies**](https://archiveofourown.org/works/23878315)

####  [ **Bubble** ](https://archiveofourown.org/works/24426472)

####  [ **All Too Easy** ](https://archiveofourown.org/works/24492184)

[ **Prom?** ](https://archiveofourown.org/works/24438112)

####  [ **101 McDalmatians** ](https://archiveofourown.org/works/24442180)

[ **Five Reasons We Knew Calzona Was Made For Each Other & Five + More 6 Sentence Fics** ](https://archiveofourown.org/works/23515210)

_... And there will eventually, soon be new Chapters of these ones up:_

[ **Falling Apart, Barely Breathing** ](https://archiveofourown.org/works/23434480)

####  [ **Second Person (The Diary of Addison Montgomery)** ](https://archiveofourown.org/works/24276160)

####  [ **Soothe** ](https://archiveofourown.org/works/24039004)

####  [ **A Seattle Grace Mercy West Swingers Party - Post Plane Crash Edition** ](https://archiveofourown.org/works/23604244)

####  [ **Out Of The Dark** ](https://archiveofourown.org/works/23528218)

Feel free to check them out, hopefully after you leave a note, and have a great day!

[ **_bobbiejelly_ ** ](https://archiveofourown.org/users/bobbiejelly/pseuds/bobbiejelly)


	12. SUTURES

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> You keep pumping on Joe's chest and offering breaths until you're wheeled into the trauma room and someone else starts bagging him for you.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Now gifted to TheNetflixGal.  
> Thanks for the comments!!!

_Author's Note:_

Thanks for the feedback on Chapter 11, folks.

Glad it was well-received with the reappearance of Derek in Addison's life.

(Well, it's important for the plot even though he's such a McAbuser).

And the ambiguous moment between Meredith and Addison at the bar.

Was it because Meredith wants to size up her competition? Who knows? It's hard to say...

_bobbiejelly_

* * *

**CHAPTER CONTENT WARNING:**

**SKIP TO THE TITLE CARD AT YOUR OWN RISK IF YOU DO NOT WANT SPOILERS.**

**MAJOR SPOILERS AHEAD SO CHOOSE WHAT YOU NEED.**

Standard stuff...

_bobbiejelly_

* * *

**Love The Way You Lie**

* * *

_Derek Shepherd, your husband, hits you- but you stayed until you couldn't stand up anymore. Your best friend Mark Sloan helped you leave him and you two had some adulterous sex. When you see Derek again in Seattle with another woman, all you want is to save her from him. You didn't mean to fall in love with her. She wasn't supposed to fall in love with you, either. But you both did, anyway._

_-Addison Forbes Montgomery, for Meredith Grey_

_MerAdd. Meddison. F/F. Meredith Grey/Addison Montgomery. Rated E for Explicit. Grey's Anatomy & Private Practice Crossover._

_CW: Domestic Violence. Unhealthy Relationships - Physically & Emotionally Abusive Addek & MerDer. Also briefly okay (non-abusive), Maddison & Mark/Derek._

_*This story is entirely fictional. Please seek professional help for abusive relationships in yourself and others. Take all abuse seriously.*_

* * *

**Chapter 12: SUTURES**

* * *

_You arrive at Seattle Grace Hospital for the second time in your life in an ambulance with most people's damn favorite barkeep spread out on a stretcher._

_You see Richard Webber nodding approvingly at you as if you were a hero._

_You don't feel like one at all._

_You saved one man but you couldn't save yourself last night._

_And you couldn't save Meredith Grey from your husband Derek Shepherd._

_And you're still not sure yet if Joe is going to live yet or die._

You keep pumping on Joe's chest and offering breaths until you're wheeled into the trauma room and someone else starts bagging him for you.

You're still doing CPR and he's been down for a long time, now.

"We might need to try to shock him," Richard Webbers says, as the Chief of Surgery leads this room's team.

"Right," you say, hopping off of Joe to the floor and still pumping his chest as hard as you can for the 30-and-2-counts.

You try not to chafe your scars against the edge of the bed as you continue your work.

This is not the first time you've been in this situation, saving a life only hours/minutes/seconds from being the one on the ground bleeding.

You've learned to adapt to it, no one has ever been the wiser. This had been the latter part of your residency years…

"Are you bleeding, Addie?" Richard asks you, motioning to your shirt.

_Shit. You forgot to clean that up. Shit._

"It's his, I think, or it was from something else," you say ambiguously, and Richard nods, because clearly you are not the priority here.

But he says to "go get cleaned up, we can't have your blood mixing, not now," so you do.

Before you go, though, you ask Richard not to call you "Addie," anymore, because you know Derek freaks out if anyone other than him calls you by a nickname.

"Sure?" Richard says, and you thank him as you wander off to find first aid supplies.

You check the clock and you realize it's just after four so you probably have some time before Derek gets called into work.

You breathe a sigh of relief and you realize you don't know anyone else, here, so you ask the first person you can find where to get new scrubs and a suture kit.

"Are you new here?" A very firm looking black woman asks you.

"Yes, Dr. Addison Shepherd," you introduce yourself professionally as you see her hospital badge. It matches the one that Richard gave you right before you left the trauma room.

"Dr. Miranda Bailey, welcome," the doctor says to you. "Please, call me 'Bailey,' everyone does. I'm a senior resident here, and I have five surgical interns to supervise. What do you do?" Bailey asks you.

"I'm a visiting neonatal/fetal surgeon and OB-GYN," you articulate, "and my graduate research is in genetics about cystic fibrosis," you add. You don't like to brag, usually, but you're proud of your professional/academic accomplishments.

It's the only thing that reminds you you're different from Derek, because he is a brain surgeon.

"Ah, you're working with the other Doctor Shepherd and I on the TTTS case," Bailey says to you, in recognition.

"Yes," you smile, now that you've placed each other.

You decide you really enjoy this 'Doctor Bailey,' and she seems like a very good person.

"Well, I hope you will keep my interns in line," Bailey says to you sympathetically.

"Of course," you offer.

"Is there anyone you'd like to start with, tomorrow?" Bailey asks you kindly.

"I have a choice?" You try not to act so shocked.

"Well, you're new here, and I want you to feel comfortable," Bailey smiles at you.

You get the feeling she might have been put up to this by Richard Webber, who has been trying to get you to stay in Seattle long-term, but either way, you'll gratefully take her kind gesture.

"Erm, I've never met them," you ask in a half-question, and Bailey nods and begins.

You try not to bleed to obviously over anything as you pretend the suture kit was not necessarily for YOU, even though one certainly will need to be.

"Well, there's Dr. Cristina Yang. She's a very talented and precise worker. Competitive, but hardworking and loyal," Bailey begins.

_Cristina Yang sounds nice, you think to yourself, she seems driven…_

"There's Dr. George O'Malley, he's a bit of a puppy but he's a very good friend to the others," Bailey explains nicely.

_George O'Malley seems like he would be good in a crisis, you think to yourself._

"There's Dr. Izzie Stevens, who has a lot of compassion, and gets very… Emotionally attached to her patients," Bailey continues.

_Izzie Stevens would probably be good at what I do with maternal medicine, you imagine._

"There's Dr. Alex Karev, he's a bit of a work-in-progress, but he's tough and for what it's worth he never tells lies in general, though he can mouth off a bit," Bailey continues.

_Alex Karev sounds like a good student if one invests in him, you think._

"And finally, there's Dr. Meredith Grey, who wants people to think she's more than just a legacy to her mother, and she is and I highly recommend her in her own right," Bailey concludes.

"WHAT?! MEREDITH GREY?! REALLY?!" You exclaim louder than you should.

You realize you're shouting, but luckily, Bailey takes this in a whole other direction.

"Yes, she's Ellis Grey's daughter, as in, 'the Grey method,' though she prefers not to talk about that- because she wants to be her own person and not in her family's shadow," Bailey explains to you.

You nod dumbly as you try to get your mind to catch up to you.

_So, Meredith Grey IS a surgeon, albeit a baby one at that. Wow, your husband really went there, huh. Seducing an intern, and dating her behind your back even after she knew he was his boss. You wonder if she ever said no and if he insisted? Or did she always want him? You wonder…_

"I get that," you say noncommittal to Bailey's statement.

You do, you really do get it. Meredith having asked you your own last name made you realize how much you hate living in your husband's shadow.

_Maybe that's why Meredith asked me. She's used to people just associating her with her mother…. Maybe that's why Grey didn't want to call me 'the other Doctor Shepherd...'_

You realize you can't ask Meredith that right now because she is not here.

So instead, you ask Bailey as casually as you can to put Grey on your service today.

Bailey nods at you, and she doesn't bat an eye for a second.

Then Bailey must realize something as her eyes flicker in recognition.

"Are you Derek Shepherd's wife?" Bailey asks you outright.

"I am," you try to say confidently because it's true.

_You wish you weren't, but you are._

"Is that going to be a problem? You and Grey?" Bailey offers you carefully.

"It won't be a problem, I just want a student you highly recommend," you promise, and you really, really, really mean it.

Sure, you have ulterior motives for wanting Grey on your service.

You want to see what she's like, how she stands up to Derek, or doesn't.

You want to give her a chance to shine on your specialty if she's interested.

And you want her to feel more than 'just a shadow to her mother,' if you can help it.

And of course, if the time is right you might ask her why she cared to ask about your damn name.

_Could it be she just wants to look me up and suss out her competition for Derek? You realize in a panic. Oh, well. If that's the case, she'll just end up finding my research. Whatever…_

_Then you realize all your research is mostly published in your husband's name._

_As Addison Shepherd. And you hate yourself even more. Why are your accomplishments listed as his?!_

You snap back to the conversation though, and you nod and say you have to take care of things before rounds.

Bailey lets you go, and you wonder if you're ever going to come clean and warn Meredith about Derek.

You realize you want to, but you know it won't be easy and could be dangerous.

So far, Meredith doesn't seem to have gotten physically hurt at all.

And you don't want that to start for her, and you know Derek will be more than tempted if you share that secret.

You try to figure it out for yourself as you find a damn suture kit and antiseptic and start stitching up your damn stomach.

You give yourself sutures like this all the time.

You don't bother to use lidocaine.

You've long past decided you're not worth the waste of pain meds.

And you can't work as well while you're on them at all, anyway.

You just grit your teeth as you sew up your wounds.

You change into fresh scrubs. (You're not sure why they are salmon-colored, but that's the least of your worries).

And you get ready for rounds, wandering around idly until you find the Chief's office.

Richard offers for you to sit and you do.

He runs over the case again with you and he gives you an update on Joe.

You ask if he knows Meredith Grey very well.

You see something cloud over in his expression but you're not sure what to think of it.

All he says to you about Meredith is "please, be good to her, thanks,".

_When you promise you will, you've never meant anything more sincerely. Ever._

Richard excuses you from his office and gives you your first patient's room number.

You pass by the surgical board and you study it.

You realize you've really missed operating while you were in hiding.

You're glad you don't have to hide anymore.

You only have to not hide though, because you've exposed yourself to your demon.

_You see both Derek and Meredith coming your way all dressed professionally for the workplace._

_You take a deep breath before you summon "Dr. Grey, you're on my service, let us begin,"._

_You don't smirk as you see Derek's jaw drop to the floor before it tightens repeatedly._

_You contain your small victory as you walk off with the blonde intern._

_And you pray to God he doesn't start physically hitting Meredith for your own actions, not hers._

* * *

*

*

*

*

*

***** **END OF CHAPTER TWELVE**

* * *

_Author's Note:_

Here is a short interlude, but this sort of happened/was alluded to in canon.

And I wanted to have it here, and we needed some introductions.

And I wanted to have a scene about Addison treating her wounds.

Let me know what you think!

See you around :D.

_bobbiejelly_

* * *

Dedications, June 5, 2020, Chapter 12:

THANKS TO EVERYONE WHO READS THIS SO FAR AND COMMENTS, LIKES, FAVORITES, FOLLOWS, ADDS TO READING LIST ETC.

Ao3:

AddisonAddek for the phenomenal Comments. Can't thank you enough!

TheNetflixGal for the Comments.

TheNetflixGal, Illyiad, KyHasNoLife, Arahneia, AddisonAddek, Hotgitay and 2 guests for the Kudos.

Subscriptions: 2 Hits: 174 Kudos: 8 Comment Threads: 13 Bookmarks: 0

Fanfiction:

rhi bradley and Anne for the Reviews.

kaipulani, , for the Favs.

rhi bradley, kaipulani, FightSong, , kjo2000, for the Follows.

982 Hits.

Wattpad:

Ty- arizonaslesbianism (bonus!), danielaperezsurga, new_being, outlawqueenpercabeth, addiesrep, for the SPECTACULAR comments and stars. JordynMarie05, rene418, for the votes so far.

343 Reads, 58 Votes, 293 Comments. Many people, who added this to their reading lists.

AND THANKS TO EVERYONE ELSE, WHO READS THIS, EVER!

Ps. Thanks to those of you who have PM'd reviews of this work, also!

Special thanks to everyone who has followed me as an author, added me to your favorites, read everything and anything I've ever published. There are more and more of you who invest in my work like that every day, and it warms my heart. My dearest thanks to you all.

* * *

_Ps. New MerAdd fics are up or updated, recently:_

[ **RED is the new BLACK.** ](https://archiveofourown.org/works/23737411/chapters/57005446)

####  [**Cookies & Quickies**](https://archiveofourown.org/works/23878315)

####  [ **Bubble** ](https://archiveofourown.org/works/24426472)

####  [ **All Too Easy** ](https://archiveofourown.org/works/24492184)

[ **Prom?** ](https://archiveofourown.org/works/24438112)

####  [ **101 McDalmatians** ](https://archiveofourown.org/works/24442180)

_... And there will eventually, soon be new Chapters of these ones up:_

[ **Falling Apart, Barely Breathing** ](https://archiveofourown.org/works/23434480)

####  [ **Second Person (The Diary of Addison Montgomery)** ](https://archiveofourown.org/works/24276160)

####  [ **Soothe** ](https://archiveofourown.org/works/24039004)

####  [ **A Seattle Grace Mercy West Swingers Party - Post Plane Crash Edition** ](https://archiveofourown.org/works/23604244)

####  [ **Out Of The Dark** ](https://archiveofourown.org/works/23528218)

Feel free to check them out, hopefully after you leave a note, and have a great day!

[ **_bobbiejelly_ ** ](https://archiveofourown.org/users/bobbiejelly/pseuds/bobbiejelly)

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> THANKS!


	13. ROUTINELY

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> You see both Derek and Meredith coming your way all dressed professionally for the workplace.
> 
> You take a deep breath before you summon "Dr. Grey, you're on my service, let us begin,".
> 
> You don't smirk as you see Derek's jaw drop to the floor before it tightens repeatedly.
> 
> You contain your small victory as you walk off with the blonde intern.
> 
> And you pray to God he doesn't start physically hitting Meredith for your own actions, not hers.

_Author's Note:_

Welcome back, thanks for all your comments on the last one so far!

_bobbiejelly_

* * *

**CHAPTER CONTENT WARNING:**

**SKIP TO THE TITLE CARD AT YOUR OWN RISK IF YOU DO NOT WANT SPOILERS.**

**MAJOR SPOILERS AHEAD SO CHOOSE WHAT YOU NEED.**

The usual.

A bit of bleeding.

Oh, and there's some people who do naked stuff.

That's all.

Is this enough of a content warning for you?

_bobbiejelly_

* * *

**Love The Way You Lie**

* * *

_Derek Shepherd, your husband, hits you- but you stayed until you couldn't stand up anymore. Your best friend Mark Sloan helped you leave him and you two had some adulterous sex. When you see Derek again in Seattle with another woman, all you want is to save her from him. You didn't mean to fall in love with her. She wasn't supposed to fall in love with you, either. But you both did, anyway._

_-Addison Forbes Montgomery, for Meredith Grey_

_MerAdd. Meddison. F/F. Meredith Grey/Addison Montgomery. Rated E for Explicit. Grey's Anatomy & Private Practice Crossover._

_CW: Domestic Violence. Unhealthy Relationships - Physically & Emotionally Abusive Addek & MerDer. Also briefly okay (non-abusive), Maddison & Mark/Derek._

_*This story is entirely fictional. Please seek professional help for abusive relationships in yourself and others. Take all abuse seriously.*_

* * *

**Chapter 13: ROUTINELY**

* * *

_You see both Derek and Meredith coming your way all dressed professionally for the workplace._

_You take a deep breath before you summon "Dr. Grey, you're on my service, let us begin,"._

_You don't smirk as you see Derek's jaw drop to the floor before it tightens repeatedly._

_You contain your small victory as you walk off with the blonde intern._

_And you pray to God he doesn't start physically hitting Meredith for your own actions, not hers._

You whisk Meredith away to Julie Phillip's room and ask if Meredith knows what 'TTTS' means.

She does, and Meredith explains all about how the twin babies that Julie is pregnant with need their blood vessels separated to equalize the load they are putting on each other's hearts.

Meredith gets stumped on one question, and you press further because you know she can do it, and then bail her out when she stammers. Meredith confronts you to tell you she knew it.

"Chin up, Grey, I'm this tough on everyone, not just the women my husband sleeps with," you say encouragingly, and then you realize that was a really stupid thing for you to say.

Meredith eyes you suspiciously, and you're not really sure why but she does.

You vaguely see Julie questioning Meredith all day with a bit of a scowl but you can't seem to get close enough to hear what they're saying without walking in.

As soon as you do, Julie seems to go quiet and Meredith just keeps on examining her routinely.

Derek notices you watching her, though, and he's not happy about it.

You feel a tug on your wrist again, and you know it's from your husband.

You can tell based on the feel of his fingers without batting an eye.

_You'll never forget the grip he can have on your wrist._

_It sends you back hours and years and decades all at one time._

_You remember every time he's hurt you the moment he does it again..._

You're cramped into the scan room this time, and you're not sure what to expect because Derek is looking at you differently from just last night.

"Are you going to beat me up again?" You ask him, because otherwise, you're not sure why he's even bothered to confront you.

"I don't need to," Derek says, motioning to the fact that your sutures are already bleeding again.

"So what is this all about?" You ask, wondering what your punishment will be this time.

"I'm here for you," Derek says, and you're not sure what to think of this.

"What?" You say thickly, and you only start to understand when he asks if he can undress you.

_Oh. He wants THAT. He wants me…_

You're not sure why this works for you, but it does, you suddenly want him.

Derek has beaten you up less than twenty-four hours ago but it's been almost twenty-four months since you've last had sex, ever.

And you know if he's asking your permission then he plans to be gentle, anyway.

"Did you take her home last night?" You ask your husband.

You don't bother to specify who 'she,' is, because he's made it clear he has a girlfriend.

"I don't kiss and tell," Derek says secretively, and the 'not knowing,' is driving you crazy.

_And not even the dirty kind of crazy, but apparently you're feeling the dirty kind of crazy, because you're pulling his shirt off and you're letting him slip a hand down your pants…_

You do want him. You hate him. You love him. You want to divorce him. But you do want to fuck him.

You think it's because of the hopelessness, or maybe the recklessness of being in this side room wherever you are in Seattle.

Or maybe you just need it that much and you want to feel wanted, even if you know you're only second best being strung along like a backup playtoy.

You take his pants off and you let yours drop to the floor.

You're not sure what he knows about what happened between you and Mark or whether he just had a sixth sense about it because he uses a glow in the dark condom he's had in his pocket.

You do it with him as slowly as you possibly can because you know he might never proposition you ever again.

As you screw your actual husband you have the thought that you're cheating on Meredith Grey.

Then you think that's a stupid thought to think because you two were never a thing to begin with.

When Derek calls out her name into you, you know he was thinking the same, and your heart breaks for her, not for you, not for him.

You lean back against the cool floor as your husband leaves you alone.

He doesn't say anything as he puts his pants and his shirt back on and walks out of there.

When you walk by Meredith again by the patient's room you can't meet her eye so you just walk away.

You're ashamed for all the wrong and all the right reasons and your head is all clouded into one.

You change your bandages twice, you apply Neosporin so you don't get infected, you drift around aimlessly as you inspect your new workplace and wonder if this could ever be a place you call 'home,'.

Later, Derek argues with you about taking Meredith Grey on your service right next to the other Attending physician, a cardiothorasic surgeon, Preston Burke, and it's not pleasant at all in the least bit.

You see Grey approach out of the corner of your eye and she says "Doctor Shepherd?" And you both turn around.

It would have been funny but it just makes Meredith sigh loudly.

You're not sure what the sigh was all about but you're sure you need to hear what she's saying.

It's about Julie's test labs, and how there are abnormalities confirmed by the ultrasounds.

You're overjoyed she's talking to you and not him and you feel Derek's cold glare as Meredith motions for you to follow her.

Meredith is leading the way because she grew up here, she says, as she explains that Seattle Grace Hospital is more her home than her house is.

She knows all the secret passageways and it takes a disappointingly little amount of time to reach where you are going.

Julie needs another ultrasound and you let Meredith run it because you want to watch her work and you're a bit too shaky to run it yourself.

You've often done this when you've needed an extra pair of hands, and hers seem just as capable, and you're grateful for it.

You need to book an O.R, so you're back at the board again and Meredith is explaining all the other surgeons and scrub nurses.

You're only half paying attention to all this as you listen to the smooth timbre of her voice as it soothes you into a sense of security.

You wonder if you're feeling better because you finally had someone into your pants today.

You hate that it's true but you know that it very well is.

You almost want to ask Meredith if he took her, too, last night after you had… Not left the bar.

You don't, though, because you're not sure if you're actually ready to know.

When the time comes to start in on the operating room, you scrub in beside her, and she's quiet for once.

She asks you if the twins will feel any pain.

You tell her they won't.

Her face visibly relaxes at this.

Meredith explains that she feels like the two of you are just like Julie's TTTS twins and in this metaphor, Derek is the birthing vessel.

Neither of you is getting what you need from him the same way the twins can't get enough blood from their mother because they're in competition for it against each other, but you both somehow can't seem to leave without Derek and the babies definitely cannot live without Julie, so you cling on to him anyway the way the babies cling on to their mom for dear life...

You ask Meredith Grey how she got to be so damn wise.

She sighs and she says she doesn't want to talk about it.

_How does she know so much about similes and metaphors?_

She asks how you got to be so damn scared.

_How does she know you're afraid?_

You sigh and you say you don't want to talk about it.

Both of you call a truce, then, deciding that's enough metaphorical heart-to-heart for now.

Because you actually have to fix the whole physical heart-to-heart in Julie's abdomen, now.

You feel Meredith staring at you the whole time while you teach and operate, and you realize you relish the feeling.

You ask her how she's doing.

_You really do want to know._

Meredith says, "I'm doing fine,".

She doesn't look fine. But neither do you and you know it. You keep operating.

_You don't want her to ask how you are. But you do. But you really don't. But you do? You don't know._

You can feel Derek's presence in the gallery before he announces it over the intercom.

Meredith jumps and you don't, and she eyes you a bit sadly.

You look away, because you can't handle her pity right now, nor process why she might be pitying you in the first place.

_What does she know?_

You were enjoying the surgery beforehand but you're not anymore.

You can't stand the smug look on Derek's face and the way he looks at Grey and Meredith shrinks at his gaze and has a bit of a blush, you know he knows and you know that she really did go home with her last night.

You realize he's screwed his girlfriend and wife all in less than 24 hours and you roll your eyes at the thought.

You're sloppy seconds to your husband's mistress and you're more upset about far less kosher thoughts.

You realize he's amended 'I don't kiss and tell,' to be 'I don't tell you shit when you ask me,' and you think that's just par for the course.

Derek loves a good drama, and your lives could be a damn soap.

When Julie wakes up and you're running the last ultrasound, Julie requests that Meredith be taken off of her case.

"She reminds me of the woman my husband was cheating on me with," Julie tries to get you to understand.

You don't, though, even though maybe you're supposed to.

_You should maybe relate to the woman whose husband cheated on her, but her life seems like heaven compared to yours, seeing as her skin is pregnancy-glowing and yours is all abused-ridden and sutured._

You do something incredibly stupid, and maybe incredibly 'brave,' but at least you do the right thing and you'll stand by that.

"No, no I don't understand...I lack Dr. Grey's class and patience so let me set the record straight: my husband didn't cheat on me, I cheated on him so the wronged woman here, Dr. Grey. So I think you owe her one hell of an apology," you say, and you see Meredith's stoic expression as you leave the room.

She doesn't follow you, and you don't expect her to.

You want her to, though, and you want her to ask everything about that and about Mark and mostly about YOU.

But she doesn't, and you don't know until later what Julie finally decided.

You go home to a hotel that night because you realize you didn't book accommodations last night because you slept on the Emerald City Bar floor.

You check on Joe to ask for a hotel recommendation and he says 'The Archfield,' after he thanks you for saving his life.

Derek doesn't ask you to come home with him, and you don't really want to after you find out third-hand from Richard he lives in a trailer.

You know you can't afford this hotel forever, but you're hoping your contract bonus from this TTTS case can hold you off for a while.

The elevator dings on the 22nd floor and you walk into your room and take a shower then slump down on the bed.

_You realize this is one of the first nights you've spent alone in ages, because you've been bouncing from your parents' place to yours and Naomi's place, to the real Hampton's to the Brownstone, to Mark's place, to Archer's place, to Sam and Naomi's and finally Joe's bar floor._

_And now you're all alone and you've never felt more empty than ever before._

_You wonder if Derek is fucking Meredith now?_

_You fall asleep, very late into the night, and still wondering._

* * *

*

*

*

*

*

***** **END OF CHAPTER THIRTEEN**

* * *

_Author's Note:_

Well, yes there is a lot of angst in these stories.

And a different characterization of Meredith, Derek and Addison.

Much of this was taken from "Raindrops Keep Falling On My Head," and the associated Wikia.

The rest was taken from my imagination in continuation with this AU.

Let me know how you feel about all the canon/not canon stuff.

And about the pacing of the chapters.

And about your favorite parts of them as always.

Also, high-key references to 'Black and Blue, and a Little Bit Broken,' and 'Christmas Lights,' by AliceSloane here.

Those are two of my favorite MerAdd stories, though I say that a lot, I know...

_bobbiejelly_

* * *

Dedications, June 5, 2020, Chapter 13:

THANKS TO EVERYONE WHO READS THIS SO FAR AND COMMENTS, LIKES, FAVORITES, FOLLOWS, ADDS TO READING LIST ETC.

Ao3:

AddisonAddek for the phenomenal Comments. Can't thank you enough!

TheNetflixGal for the Comments.

TheNetflixGal, Illyiad, KyHasNoLife, Arahneia, AddisonAddek, Hotgitay and 2 guests for the Kudos.

Subscriptions: 2 Hits: 181 Kudos: 8 Comment Threads: 13 Bookmarks: 0

Fanfiction:

rhi bradley and Anne for the Reviews.

kaipulani, aj.poppin, for the Favs.

rhi bradley, kaipulani, FightSong, aj.poppin, kjo2000, for the Follows.

1055 Hits.

Wattpad:

Ty- arizonaslesbianism (bonus!), danielaperezsurga, new_being, outlawqueenpercabeth, addiesrep, for the SPECTACULAR comments and stars. JordynMarie05, rene418, for the votes so far.

354 Reads, 59 Votes, 297 Comments. Many people, who added this to their reading lists.

AND THANKS TO EVERYONE ELSE, WHO READS THIS, EVER!

Ps. Thanks to those of you who have PM'd reviews of this work, also!

Special thanks to everyone who has followed me as an author, added me to your favorites, read everything and anything I've ever published. There are more and more of you who invest in my work like that every day, and it warms my heart. My dearest thanks to you all.

* * *

_Ps. New MerAdd fics are up or updated, recently:_

####  [ **Derek Never Takes His Pants Off** ](https://archiveofourown.org/works/24562663)

[ **RED is the new BLACK.** ](https://archiveofourown.org/works/23737411/chapters/57005446)

####  [**Cookies & Quickies**](https://archiveofourown.org/works/23878315)

####  [ **Bubble** ](https://archiveofourown.org/works/24426472)

####  [ **All Too Easy** ](https://archiveofourown.org/works/24492184)

[ **Prom?** ](https://archiveofourown.org/works/24438112)

_... And there will eventually, soon be new Chapters of these ones up:_

[ **Falling Apart, Barely Breathing** ](https://archiveofourown.org/works/23434480)

####  [ **Second Person (The Diary of Addison Montgomery)** ](https://archiveofourown.org/works/24276160)

####  [ **Soothe** ](https://archiveofourown.org/works/24039004)

####  [ **A Seattle Grace Mercy West Swingers Party - Post Plane Crash Edition** ](https://archiveofourown.org/works/23604244)

####  [ **Out Of The Dark** ](https://archiveofourown.org/works/23528218)

Feel free to check them out, hopefully after you leave a note, and have a great day!

[ **_bobbiejelly_ ** ](https://archiveofourown.org/users/bobbiejelly/pseuds/bobbiejelly)


	14. FIX YOU

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The elevator dings on the 22nd floor and you walk into your room and take a shower then slump down on the bed.
> 
> You realize this is one of the first nights you've spent alone in ages, because you've been bouncing from your parents' place to yours and Naomi's place, to the real Hampton's to the Brownstone, to Mark's place, to Archer's place, to Sam and Naomi's and finally Joe's bar floor.
> 
> And now you're all alone and you've never felt more empty than ever before.
> 
> You wonder if Derek is fucking Meredith now?
> 
> You fall asleep, very late into the night, and still wondering.

_Author's Note:_

Spoilers through GA-S2-E2. But you're probably long past that anyway, right?

Do I need to give spoiler alerts for things that happened over a decade ago?

Well, I guess it's more of a hint than anything, really, at this point?

"Lights will guide you home..."

-Coldplay.

There is a supposedly very good fanfiction about a HAPPY ADDEK with that title on Fanficion that I have not yet read, but if you wanted to try reading something that shows Derek with Addison in a happy light you could try that and/or read something by AddisonAddek, who I am shouting out to, here because they deserve many compliments for their support of this work and also their own.

Second personal shoutout goes to Arizonaslesbianism on Wattpad who has commented on every damn chapter and who has a MerAdd story out "The Lesbian Lovers," which is shaping up really nicely, you can check that one out all the same.

And thirdly, TheNetflixGal has written "I've missed you," for the meddison fandom and that's a nice classic.

So, without further ado... Here is Chapter 14!!!

_bobbiejelly_

* * *

**CHAPTER CONTENT WARNING:**

**SKIP TO THE TITLE CARD AT YOUR OWN RISK IF YOU DO NOT WANT SPOILERS.**

**MAJOR SPOILERS AHEAD SO CHOOSE WHAT YOU NEED.**

Umm, not sure if this requires a content warning but there's mention of the patient Mr. Hubble from Season Two who had some Judy dolls stuck up his…

Anyway, the rest of it is all very psychologically internal.

And through inherent manipulation and control?

_bobbiejelly_

* * *

**Love The Way You Lie**

* * *

_Derek Shepherd, your husband, hits you- but you stayed until you couldn't stand up anymore. Your best friend Mark Sloan helped you leave him and you two had some adulterous sex. When you see Derek again in Seattle with another woman, all you want is to save her from him. You didn't mean to fall in love with her. She wasn't supposed to fall in love with you, either. But you both did, anyway._

_-Addison Forbes Montgomery, for Meredith Grey_

_MerAdd. Meddison. F/F. Meredith Grey/Addison Montgomery. Rated E for Explicit. Grey's Anatomy & Private Practice Crossover._

_CW: Domestic Violence. Unhealthy Relationships - Physically & Emotionally Abusive Addek & MerDer. Also briefly okay (non-abusive), Maddison & Mark/Derek._

_*This story is entirely fictional. Please seek professional help for abusive relationships in yourself and others. Take all abuse seriously.*_

* * *

**Chapter 14: FIX YOU**

* * *

The elevator dings on the 22nd floor and you walk into your room and take a shower then slump down on the bed.

_You realize this is one of the first nights you've spent alone in ages, because you've been bouncing from your parents' place to yours and Naomi's place, to the real Hampton's to the Brownstone, to Mark's place, to Archer's place, to Sam and Naomi's and finally Joe's bar floor._

_And now you're all alone and you've never felt more empty than ever before._

_You wonder if Derek is fucking Meredith now?_

_You fall asleep, very late into the night, and still wondering._

When you wake up to your alarm you're happy you've at least gotten a few hours of shut-eye before the new dawn of the day begins.

You're glad that your workday mostly involves checking in on Julie after her TTTS surgery and being on-call for any additional emergencies.

It's light, for a workday but you know not to jinx it. You don't get to have Dr. Grey on your service today because you technically don't have a service because you're technically only part-time still.

_Whatever. You're technically not even interested in Meredith Grey. Right?_

You're up early enough to take a bath, but you don't because you don't want to get your sutures soaking wet.

So you just get ready and make your way to the hospital while you prepare for all the eventualities of what will happen when you do see your husband.

You park your car as you see the two… BoyfriendAndGirlfriend's? Arguing in front of the entryway.

Derek doesn't spy you when you first see him from your car talking to HER (Meredith).

He seems like he's trying to win her over again but she looks like she's pulling away.

" _Good girl", you think you'll say to her if you get the chance to say that to her, in private._

You're not quite close enough to hear what they're saying, but you hear your name mentioned alongside Mark's so you know he's probably talking all about the cheating.

_Of course, he's going to talk up your downsides to make you the adulterous slut._

_Well, you are one._

_Yeah, well so is he, isn't he…?_

_Doesn't that make Meredith also an adulterous whore?_

_She didn't know the difference, she's not a homewrecker by choice, it was an accident…_

You try to shut up your own inner thought argument as you peer out the window some more.

Meredith is yelling something about a "plug," a "sink," and an "open drain," and you're wondering how all of that might have connected to your threesome-but-not situation because it seems pretty far from what you might have expected.

_Years later, Meredith might tell you that had you been listening only a few minutes later, you would have heard her call you showing up being "all leggy and fabulous and telling her the truth yourself about your marriage with Derek," but you have no way of knowing that, now…_

You park around the back without them noticing you and you walk into the hospital without an ounce of regret about not stopping to talk to the two of them, then.

You're surprised when you're paged to a patient room from the Chief of Surgery and you realize the page is from Richard Webber's hospital room.

Derek never told you he was operating on his mentor, but Derek never tells you anything ever, you think, so that's not at all the most surprising thing of this day.

"You called my wife?!" You hear Derek exclaim.

_It's rather rude, you think, seeing as your husband took you in a scan room just yesterday._

"Well, you called mine!" Richard insists as he points to Adele.

You wince because you're sure you're going to get put in the middle of all of this shit.

Apparently, Derek snitched to Adele that Richard was sick and he's angry about Webber calling you out of the blue.

You're happy to see Richard Webber is doing better, because he's probably the only person who actually still believes in you (in a professional matter, though Miranda Bailey seemed also proud…).

Derek threatens that he's not discharging Richard without the support of Adele.

_Derek threatens a lot of things, though apparently when it's in a medical way, nobody finds it scary just a little smug and potentially condescending..._

You think it's ridiculous he's projecting the opposite solution to their fucked-up marriage than he is to yours-and-his own, but it's Derek, after all, and even Richard and Adele agree with him.

You walk in the room and compliment Adele Webber, and she smiles at you.

You're happy to see Adele Webber on this little trip, because you feel like you two are old friends.

_You know Derek is probably going to get mad at you for that but you don't want to ice Adele out._

Adele says, "I told Richard you and Derek would be getting back together."

_You realize that Adele wants you to be happy and she doesn't know that you secretly want the very opposite of what you implied when you asked her..._

Derek says, "Addison and I are over... practically divorced", and that "adultery is enough to end it," but you know that he's not going to actually 'end it,' he's just putting on a show for Richard and also Adele.

_If Derek would just end it you wouldn't be in this mess..._

You leave the room then, and you can still hear Adele tell Derek to "give her [aka you] a chance.

As Derek leaves the room right behind you, he tells Adele to "keep him in line". You can see through the glass that Richard doesn't look happy about this.

_You feel bad for both Adele and Richard and whoever the other woman in THEIR marriage is, but you're not sure you can take on any more troubles when you have so many of those on your own..._

You think it's pretty ironic that Derek is telling a woman to keep a man in line when he feels the damn opposite about himself towards both you AND Meredith.

But again, you pretend you didn't hear any of that as you walk far away from all of it as you possibly can.

_You always run. You wonder if Meredith is also a runner. You should probably stop thinking so much about Meredith…_

You watch the Grey girl all day from a distance.

She's on a case with Miranda Bailey with a bowel obstruction of a man who…

Well, the patient man, he needed surgery, and you don't want to think about the rest of those dolls' (heads?!).

You see Meredith holding the films with her delicate fingers from the hallway and you try not to picture those soft hands over your skin.

You watch her staring at Derek even after she's left him or not left him, or talking about plumbing fixtures with him this morning and you realize you probably looked, still look, will always look at your husband the very same way.

Meredith stares at Derek over her intern friend's shoulder the same way that you did over Sam and Naomi's shoulder for the longest time and she has the same fascinated, curious, slightly nervous look that you always had when you bought into his intrigue.

In a lot of ways, it's an out-of-body experience as you see your own history repeating itself with this woman who is currently ten years younger than you, over ten years later meeting Derek than you, the only difference is really the Settle-versus-New-York part of your differing trajectories.

_You watch him seduce Meredith in the same way he seduced you when you first started dating him._

You watch her try to leave him the same way you once tried to leave him.

It doesn't stick though, it didn't for you and you know it probably won't for Meredith, either.

You sigh. You're not a sink with an open drain. You're the sink that's being force-fed murky water full of your own liquid fuck-ups that's never repaired only further and more deeply damaged.

You wonder when you'll reach your damn tipping point, and you wonder, in this metaphor if Derek will ever 'turn the taps off,' before your metaphorical bowl springs a leak or maybe three.

_But then you feel the blood coming out of your still-tender stomach wounds and you're sure you're going to be used up until you break down even more, anyway._

You see Meredith gives her friends damn good relationship advice in the outdoor cafeteria.

Meredith tells one of them (George?") he should be clear with his once-hookup (Olivia?) so that he's not just leading her on.

You think that it's a bit strange that Meredith is dispensing this sage wisdom of sorts while she still lusts over a married man, but then again, you know it's a lot easier to talk the talk than to walk the walk in one's own life, all the time.

_You're still at least sort of-lusting over your own husband's ex-mistress/current girlfriend so it's not like you have anything to say for yourself in this regard, either._

When you check up on Julie, the TTTS patient, she doesn't say a word to you about her own love triangle, or her own outburst, or your outburst yesterday, and you don't bring up any of that with her at all.

You keep it professional, and so does she, and you realize after she's discharged you won't have any reason to stay in Seattle anymore…

_You want to stay to save Meredith. You want to stay for more even, maybe a friendship? With Meredith. You forgot to think about what you want or even don't want about Derek and you should really get a grip on these thoughts…_

You realize you should never take the elevators in here because Derek seems to use them to entrap people (you) in them to have conversations with people (does he do this with her, too) that they don't want to have with him but they can't leave because they're moving on the damn elevator.

Derek is inside the elevator and you make the mistake and walk in next to him.

_You're not sure why you do this, but he did give you sex yesterday, so you're a bit placated just like all the other times he bribed you preemptively with sex..._

You ask him about telling Meredith what happened to break you two up.

_You're being bold here because the Grey girl is involved and she makes you feel braver..._

Derek says he did talk to her about it.

You ask him what he says but he doesn't tell.

He asks what you told her.

You know you can't get away with not telling him when he asks.

_Damn double-standards. Derek always has double standards. You always pull the short straw..._

You say, "Sometimes people do desperate things to attract attention."

_You go back to the sex idea because that seemed to work for you yesterday._

Derek says, "What? Wow. That's your side of this? That I didn't pay you enough attention? Is that what you were thinking when you were getting naked with my best friend?"

_Best friend. You forgot the best friend part. You care enough about both Mark and Derek you still want them to have a best friend..._

You lie and say that 'by that point, you were just scratching an itch.'

_You don't want Derek to ever know you may or may not have had feelings for Mark._

You continue, "We got successful...we got busy, we got lazy, we didn't even bother to fight anymore...and Mark was there and I missed you. And now I'm sorry, I'm more sorry than you can possibly imagine."

_You lay it on really thick in his favor and you don't talk about what Mark said he felt about you._

Derek presses the elevator buttons so that it goes faster. He walks out of the elevator and says, "I'm a sink with an open drain, Addie".

_You don't say anything else because you know he's right and that he totally is._

Derek can let his problems with you and his problems with Meredith flow through him like a river.

_But you can't seem to pull the plug when it gets so bad you can't see._

Later on, you see that Meredith is tending to her patient who just had his bowel resection.

_She's been talking with lots of other very interesting people all day but all you can ever focus on is just her..._

The patient asks if they were able to get all the doll heads out. She says they were but it was not easy or pleasant. He says now he feels empty. Meredith tells him she has been feeling a little empty herself.

_You feel more than empty, you feel overflowingly full. You're not sure what's worse, but either way, you want to take her emptiness pain all away..._

He says he can see it. Meredith asks how doll heads fill him, what the satisfaction is. He asks, "Do you really want to know?" Meredith changes her mind and says, "Maybe I'm better left in the dark."

_You want to say to her that you're sorry, that Derek is making her feel terrible in this way…_

Meredith catches you watching and gives you a look in her eyes.

You don't know what it means, but you smile and you look away and you leave again.

Meredith doesn't follow you.

You end up following her, later, instead.

When you sneak by the Operating room window of the case you know your husband is in on, Derek is performing the surgery on the organ donor as George observes. Burke is in the gallery watching. He leaves revealing Meredith standing behind him. She is watching Derek very intently…

_You're watching both of them, very intently..._

You hear Derek say stuff to Meredith, after the others (George and Burke), are finally gone.

This time she can't just walk away because he's her teacher and she's his student and you realize he's trapping her in the O.R like he trapped you in the elevator.

_Bastard. He plays the same tricks on both of you. You know them all and you're still standing prey…_

Meredith says she has a whole lot of issues and problems and that she's now a big and wide-open empty metaphorical sink with a drain that's in need of repair.

Derek says 'I will try, to fix you, the very best that I can,".

Meredith swoons and falls for it.

_You do too, and it's not even directed at you, but you liked it too._

Your husband/her boyfriend is like that.

He likes broken people so he can crack them more and they don't notice anything else is even wrong.

When he finally leaves the room, you can see her holding back tears from rolling right down on her face.

You look both ways to make sure he is gone before you walk into the gallery and push on the intercom and you say that you're sorry.

Meredith doesn't jump when she sees you, and you take comfort in that little fact.

She doesn't seem to mind that you'd witnessed that conversation and that you're interjecting yourself.

You tell her he's said that he'll try to 'fix you,' too.

She asks you if he did.

You tell her you were too broken, to begin with.

She tells you the very same.

You tell Meredith Grey she doesn't seem broken to you.

She tells you that you don't seem broken to her, either.

 _Years later, you'll realize you could see through to each other through your similar scars_ …

You want to say more, to Meredith, that she doesn't need another to 'fix her,' and that Derek will probably actually try to 'break her,' the way that he's beaten you down to a pulp.

You want to show her your physical scars, and let her stare at them, and decide for herself he's not worth it to her.

You want to tell her you'll take her in, most definitely at least just as a safe harbor friend.

You want to tell her you could be each other's metaphorical solution, that she feels like her sink is too empty and you feel like your sink is too full. You could shoulder your burden(s), with each other, so you feel like you're just filled enough…

But of course, you don't feel like you can say any of that now, so you don't.

_Years later, you'll try to explain this to her, but both of you will have a hard time remembering the exact sink-related-metaphors..._

You can see she's about to leave and potentially follow him, though, and you realize you should be the one to go home with him this time just to keep her away from him this one time.

Before she walks away though, you ask Meredith what Derek did say to her the last time she saw him.

Meredith explains to you from the O.R up to the gallery through the semi-shitty intercom that the first night he took her home from Joe's, he said you were drunk and you wanted to stay at the bar.

_You nod because you don't want to get into that before she keeps explaining._

Then Meredith says that last night she drove out to his trailer on his land in Seattle and he explained you to her, and he told her about his/your best friend 'Mark Soan,' who she's never met and that you'd cheated on your husband with this man that he still hates and still loves.

_You're surprised and also unsurprised that Derek talked about Mark to Meredith in this way…_

You ask her if she left him. She sighs and says that she tried to. Sort of.

_You really, really, really, do know the feeling…_

Meredith asks you if you're leaving him, and not in a menacing or possessive way like you might have expected her to say, but in the same tone she was using with you when she asked you what your real name was…

_You love that voice more than anything…_

You sigh and say that you tried to. Sort of. Again.

_It's the truth._

Meredith nods at you and you nod at her.

You want to say something more so you tell her, "you are enough, you know. Just you, without someone fixing you. No matter how broken you'd still be enough…"

You can see the tears streaming down her face now.

You gasp when you tell her you didn't ever want to make her hurt so that she cries.

Meredith tells you she's crying because you're the first person who's told her she's enough no matter what.

You say you're sorry.

She tells you her mother never told her that.

_You flashback to the first time Derek Shepherd told you he loved you and that was the first time you heard that._

_You flashback to the first time Mark Sloan told you you were beautiful and that was the first time you heard that._

_You flashback to the first time Skippy Gold told you he wanted you in his life and that was the first time you heard that._

Meredith snaps you out of your thoughts to tell you, "you are enough, you know. Just you, without someone fixing you. No matter how broken you'd still be enough…"

You're not sure if she's just saying this because you said it to her, but when you ask her that she says she was going to say something like that to you, anyway.

You want to cry, too, because she's also the first person you've ever heard words like that from and it's not like Bizzy or The Captain or even Archer ever told you…

But you don't cry in front of people. You have not since you were two. You won't, can't, you're not sure anymore.

You just stand there and nod softly and sadly at her.

_You wish you could hold her when she cries, but you know you can't like this, and you're already taking a risk disobeying a direct order from Derek never to talk to his girlfriend, ever, now..._

You feel Meredith Grey watching you as you walk out of the operating room to track down your husband and tell him to take you home to his trailer.

And you wish you could explain to Meredith why you're purposely making sure that he's ditching her for your third night in Seattle.

_You wish you could take away the pain you see on Meredith Grey's tender face when she realizes she's leaving the hospital tonight without either of you._

_And you're very confused at the fact that she seems to have her eyes wandering to you and not just her boyfriend/your husband, Derek Shepherd._

_Now, you both look back longingly at the same woman, Meredith Grey, and yet, you and Derek both just keep on walking and walking and also drifting further away._

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*

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*

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***** **END OF CHAPTER FOURTEEN**

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_Author's Note:_

Titular song reference is to "Fix You," by Coldplay, which I think is a beautiful musical piece, however, I find the lyrics quite problematic in the sense of a healthy relationship. "I will try, to fix you," implies that someone does not think their partner is good enough in their worst moments for them until they are less broken, and I think that that shows a lack of depth on their part; for a relationship to be stable, the commitment, I believe at least, needs to extend reciprocally in that even in a person's worst moments they are enough for the other without having to be 'repaired,'.

Feel free to agree to disagree with me on that one, but that's what I have thought in the past, and what I'm conveying here in this chapter. I'm open to the opposing views, always, though and I welcome discussions in the comments about musical lyrics, healthy vs/unhealthy _fanfictional_ relationships, and the Addison/Meredith/Derek/Mark headfuck love triangle in this story and/or in Canon as well as in other stories.

Reference used for this one is GA-S2-E2 "Make Me Lose Control," and its respective Wikia page to remind me of what happened. Addison was hardly in that episode after all so it left a lot of room for this AU to take over, sort of. I'm reinterpreting the canonical dialogue here with the trope and I hope that's alright for you folks. This won't be the entire conception of this work, I promise I do have some more original stuff planned. But anyway, just so you know how this was all built…

Hope you enjoyed all the metaphors and the intercom O.R scene! I'm proud of those. This chapter was a lot of work that's why there's not a ton of posts today...

The second song reference is "Drifting Further Away," by Powderfinger, which was played in "Stairway to Heaven," on Grey's Season 5 Episode 13.

Let me know what you think of this chapter, have a great day, and take care!

_bobbiejelly_

* * *

Dedications, June 6, 2020, Chapter 14:

THANKS TO EVERYONE WHO READS THIS SO FAR AND COMMENTS, LIKES, FAVORITES, FOLLOWS, ADDS TO READING LIST ETC.

Ao3:

AddisonAddek for the phenomenal Comments. Can't thank you enough!

TheNetflixGal for the Comments.

TheNetflixGal, Illyiad, KyHasNoLife, Arahneia, AddisonAddek, Hotgitay, and 2 guests for the Kudos.

Subscriptions: 3 Hits: 204 Kudos: 8 Comment Threads: 15 Bookmarks: 0

Fanfiction:

rhi bradley and Anne for the Reviews.

kaipulani, , for the Favs.

rhi bradley, kaipulani, FightSong, , kjo2000, for the Follows.

1329 Hits.

Wattpad:

Ty- arizonaslesbianism (bonus!), danielaperezsurga, new_being, outlawqueenpercabeth, addiesrep, for the SPECTACULAR comments and stars. JordynMarie05, rene418, for the votes so far.

391 Reads, 65 Votes, 303 Comments. Many people, who added this to their reading lists.

AND THANKS TO EVERYONE ELSE, WHO READS THIS, EVER!

Ps. Thanks to those of you who have PM'd reviews of this work, also!

Special thanks to everyone who has followed me as an author, added me to your favorites, read everything and anything I've ever published. There are more and more of you who invest in my work like that every day, and it warms my heart. My dearest thanks to you all.

* * *

_Ps. New MerAdd fics are up or updated, recently:_

####  [ **Derek Never Takes His Pants Off** ](https://archiveofourown.org/works/24562663)

[ **RED is the new BLACK.** ](https://archiveofourown.org/works/23737411/chapters/57005446)

####  [**Cookies & Quickies**](https://archiveofourown.org/works/23878315)

####  [ **Bubble** ](https://archiveofourown.org/works/24426472)

####  [ **All Too Easy** ](https://archiveofourown.org/works/24492184)

[ **Prom?** ](https://archiveofourown.org/works/24438112)

_... And there will eventually, soon be new Chapters of these ones up:_

[ **Falling Apart, Barely Breathing** ](https://archiveofourown.org/works/23434480)

####  [ **Second Person (The Diary of Addison Montgomery)** ](https://archiveofourown.org/works/24276160)

####  [ **Soothe** ](https://archiveofourown.org/works/24039004)

####  [ **A Seattle Grace Mercy West Swingers Party - Post Plane Crash Edition** ](https://archiveofourown.org/works/23604244)

####  [ **Out Of The Dark** ](https://archiveofourown.org/works/23528218)

Feel free to check them out, hopefully after you leave a note, and have a great day!

[ **_bobbiejelly_ ** ](https://archiveofourown.org/users/bobbiejelly/pseuds/bobbiejelly)


	15. EVERYWHERE I GO

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Derek takes you to the trailer.

_Author's Note:_

Spoilers through GA-S2-E2.

_bobbiejelly_

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**CHAPTER CONTENT WARNING:**

**SKIP TO THE TITLE CARD AT YOUR OWN RISK IF YOU DO NOT WANT SPOILERS.**

**MAJOR SPOILERS AHEAD SO CHOOSE WHAT YOU NEED.**

Mainly non-graphic consensual as it can be in this fucked-up fic sex between Addison and Derek.

So, male-female 'straight,' sex which I'm writing for the very first time in my life in this work.

Also, song lyrics, but I don't know why I'm warning you about that...

_bobbiejelly_

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**Love The Way You Lie**

* * *

_Derek Shepherd, your husband, hits you- but you stayed until you couldn't stand up anymore. Your best friend Mark Sloan helped you leave him and you two had some adulterous sex. When you see Derek again in Seattle with another woman, all you want is to save her from him. You didn't mean to fall in love with her. She wasn't supposed to fall in love with you, either. But you both did, anyway._

_-Addison Forbes Montgomery, for Meredith Grey_

_MerAdd. Meddison. F/F. Meredith Grey/Addison Montgomery. Rated E for Explicit. Grey's Anatomy & Private Practice Crossover._

_CW: Domestic Violence. Unhealthy Relationships - Physically & Emotionally Abusive Addek & MerDer. Also briefly okay (non-abusive), Maddison & Mark/Derek._

_*This story is entirely fictional. Please seek professional help for abusive relationships in yourself and others. Take all abuse seriously.*_

* * *

**Chapter 15: EVERYWHERE I GO**

* * *

You feel Meredith Grey watching you as you walk out of the operating room to track down your husband and tell him to take you home to his trailer.

And you wish you could explain to Meredith why you're purposely making sure that he's ditching her for your third night in Seattle.

_You wish you could take away the pain you see on Meredith Grey's tender face when she realizes she's leaving the hospital tonight without either of you._

_And you're very confused at the fact that she seems to have her eyes wandering to you and not just her boyfriend/your husband, Derek Shepherd._

_Now, you both look back longingly at the same woman, Meredith Grey, and yet, you and Derek both just keep on walking and walking and also drifting further away._

Derek takes you to the trailer.

You don't consider it 'home,' but then again, you don't consider anywhere home so that's not the biggest deal at this moment.

You still have your rental car parked at the hospital but you don't tell Derek that because you're hiding the fact you have your own escape transportation.

Also, you're hiding the fact you still have a hotel room.

You're hiding a lot of things, actually.

_You should have said a lot of things. You should have done a lot of things. You should have. A lot of things..._

You don't see anything of your own in his makeshift parkable house.

You're not sure if he intends to live here forever or if he intends to build a house on this land from the ground, but either way you see Derek here.

You see a lot of Derek, your husband, here.

It's in the clothes you know are his that are scattered around. It's in his degrees lining the walls. It's in his favorite mugs that are in the tiny little kitchen.

_You wish you could squish Derek into a tiny little box like this, and leave him, and maybe forget about him…_

But you can't, and you don't. Or you won't.

Whatever.

You're here now and Derek is here now and a part of him wants you here.

"I fucked her on that bed," Derek brags to you.

_You're jealous of him and he knows it._

"Umm," you don't know what to say to that.

"I fucked her real good and she liked it," Derek continues.

_She probably did, you think. Derek isn't terrible in the 'fucking,' department, and you know at the very least that Derek wouldn't fuck someone who doesn't actually want it._

"Umm," you say because you have no idea.

"I fucked her like-" Derek is gesturing for you to come to join him and he has that twinkle in his eye like he knows you'll probably say yes.

Curiosity bubbles in you and you do want to know. You want to imagine how she felt when he took her. You want to imagine it was you doing her and not him.

He knows it and you know it.

And you're both getting off on the same thought.

_Meredith._

He thinks of her and so do you. And he hasn't said her name and neither have you.

But you don't have to.

Because he already knows.

Derek starts taking your clothes off and you're surprised at how tender he is.

_He has not been this way with you since you started dating._

But then again, you realize his torture is that he's not on lying showing you… He's showing you EXACTLY what he did to her.

Right down to the details of demonstrating he's capable of a soft touch of seduction.

He's hurting you because he knows you love her, too and the way he's going to do you the way he did her, he's going to prove to you why she could fall in love with him and not you.

_Bastard._

You want it though, despite yourself.

Derek hasn't given you lovemaking like this since before you were married. Or many the night you got married. Maybe both but never more than those times.

You know he has you hooked right now.

He's hooking your shirt in his fingers and he has his dreamy Derek eyes on you.

_You bet she loves those dreamy Derek eyes._

"How do you want me?" You ask him. You feel that Meredith would ask him.

You know you're right when he grins at you knowingly.

"I want you on your knees," Derek smirks at you. _Of course._

You kneel in front of him, knowing he'll take his own pleasure first before offering you, yours.

He always does.

You don't care though, because at least, this way you know you'll never be keeping him waiting.

_And I'll fall, on my knees, tell me how's the way to be. Tell me how's the way to go. Tell me all that I should know…_

You take off his belt and you throw it aside.

You imagine that one might find this sexy, but you're just moving it away so he can't use it to strap you later without having to go and collect it.

You unzip his pants. You take off his clothes. And you offer him what he wants from you.

_And I'll fall, on my knees, tell me how's the way to be. To evoke some empathy…_

When Derek comes, he calls out for Meredith and you call out in your head to a God that you do not believe in.

You want to say or do something but you don't know what, so you go to clean off and so does he before he asks if you want to do more.

You know you're walking into murky territory here, because you were almost resolved to divorce him before Seattle and here you are sleeping with him, yet again.

But it doesn't feel terrible, and you want to not feel terrible for a while. And the sleeping together feels a bit like you're sleeping at last, even if you're not-

You're not even going to let your mind wander to her.

You know you shouldn't, not in front of him, because you know he might figure it out.

_Danger will follow me now, everywhere I go._

You say that you want to because you still do. He nods. You help him take your clothes off.

Derek doesn't get down on his knees for you.

He never has.

He takes you to the bed and he climbs on top of you.

You've still never asked again if he'd want you to climb on top of him.

He gave you that answer long ago.

He's a bit rough with you. You don't think he was this rough with Meredith. But you don't ask.

You're pretty sure he wasn't because Meredith had no marks on her earlier.

You know you'll have marks on you tomorrow, but you always have marks, and you don't always get orgasms to go with them.

You're not sure if you've always had a penchant for rough sex or if you've just grown accustomed to it, but either way, it's working for you both now, at least.

You pray he'll let you get off because you feel you really need it.

He starts edging you closer and you know that you're on your way there.

_Angels will call on me now, and take me to my home._

You start to convulse in the climax and you know you're getting somewhere.

_This tired mind just wants to be led home._

Your husband finishes you unceremoniously, and you sigh contentedly in reaction. You can't help it, your body just unwinds this way after orgasm even if it's with Derek, your devil.

He asks if you still want more.

You're surprised because it's been a long time since you've had multiples of anything like this.

You say yes because you want to.

He asks you to kneel for him again, and this time he pulls out another condom. You nod.

_And I'll fall, on my knees, tell me how's the way to go. Tell me all that to see. Show me all that I could be._

You feel him before you hear him and he starts doing you and you start doing him back.

You hate that you need him so much.

You hate that he can screw you into submission to the point you forget what he is to you.

You hate that you just want to keep pumping your hips to match his.

You hate that you know he's been with another less than twenty-four hours ago and yet you're still naked for him because he's naked for you and he asked you to, and you said that you wanted to because you still do.

_And I'll fall, on my knees, Tell me how's the way to be. Tell me how's the way to go. Tell me why I feel so low._

You're literally and metaphorically beneath him the whole time as he uses you and you use him and you know you're both just a replacement for what you swooped in and stole him away from earlier.

He's picturing he's doing this to Meredith and you're picturing it's Meredith doing this to you and it's all so fucked up it's insane.

You close your eyes and pretend your troubles would vanish along with your tension as you feel yourself unraveling again and you feel him coming undone now, inside you.

He's careful, though, and you know that he is.

Derek shows you the condom never broke and he throws it out and he takes a shower.

Then he offers it to you after he emerges. He asks you if you're staying.

You consider leaving. You consider going to the hotel. You want to leave.

But you know you can't. You know you should maybe go if you don't want something bad to happen later, or in the morning perhaps. But you don't.

_Danger will follow me now, everywhere I go._

You take a shower and you clean yourself up and let the hot water caress your scars.

You imagine yourself wiping away your sins as you wash away the dirt of the day.

_Angels will call on me and take me to my home._

You don't feel at home here, but you don't know where you would these days, anyway.

You pray you'll feel better in the morning after you've had some rest.

_These tired eyes just want to remain closed._

You allow yourself a few seconds of bliss as you lean against the shower door.

All you feel is water until all you feel suddenly is the floor.

_I don't see clearly._

You realize it's ironic that the one time Derek isn't beating you, you end up beating yourself up instead, abeit by total accident.

_Can't feel nothing, no._

You realize you've tumbled leaning all your weight in a soapy spot and you fall onto your knees again.

_Can you hear me? And I'll fall on my knees._

You don't know if Derek heard you fall but you pry your eyes open again and blink hard.

_Danger will follow me now, everywhere I go._

You hear Derek getting ready for bed and you realize he either didn't hear you, or he heard you and he doens't even care enough to call out to see if you are okay.

You're not sure which one of those is worse or better.

You wash the soap off your skin. You imagine someone well and good like Meredith, if she were here might call out to check on you.

_Angels will call on me and take me to my home._

You try to push those thoughts from your mind as if Derek could see them all over your face while you step out of the shower and into a towel.

_And danger will follow me now everywhere I go._

When you reach the bedroom, Derek is already snoring and you put something on at random and turn off the light without waking him.

Derek will follow you now, everywhere you go...

You pray he doesn't wake up as you crawl into the other side of the bed next to him.

You hear a grunt but not anything more as you pull the covers up to your chin.

You think that this night has been the closest you two have ever come to a 'normal married life,'.

When you think about it, you had sex and then showers then sleep. And yet you still don't feel at home. You pray to your nonexistent God that you could have something more than this someday.

_Angels will call on me and take me to my home._

You pray to the same nonexistent God that Meredith had a good night and a better one than the one she could have had with him in her life instead of yours and you just can't chase the thoughts to go away as you drift off into a fitful sleep.

_And angels will follow me now, lead me to my home._

You try to think of anything else as you drift off from your fitful sleep into dreamless sleep other than a hypothetical future where you could live off your own two feet and still have Meredith Grey in your life without Derek at all in the picture.

_And angels will follow me now, lead me to my home._

The last thing you think is that you don't need angels to follow you to lead you to your home.

You only need one angel in total. One friend to help you make it through the day. Even if you never become more to each other.

And it's the one that you've already met.

You know that danger will follow you now, everywhere you go.

You know that danger will follow her now, even to her home.

You fall asleep muttering out ambiguously, yet obviously, to you, about Meredith, "an Angel will follow me now, lead me to my home…"

* * *

*

*

*

*

*

***** **END OF CHAPTER FIFTEEN**

* * *

_Author's Note:_

The Title song reference is "Everywhere I Go," by Sleeping at last which was played in GA-S14-E19, "Beautiful Dreamer,".

Yeah, there's not a lot of Meredith in this Chapter. Apologies.

And the songfic thing was experimental.

Hope you enjoyed it all the same!

This one has been a very intense experience and I thank everyone who has been involved in this process. Let me know what you think in the comments!

_bobbiejelly_

* * *

**"Everywhere I Go" by Sleeping At Last**

And I'll fall on my knees

Tell me how's the way to be

Tell me how's the way to go

Tell me all that I should know

And I'll fall on my knees

Tell me how's the way to go

Tell me how's the way to be

To evoke some empathy

Danger will follow me now

Everywhere I go

Angels will call on me

And take me to my home

This tired mind just wants to be led home

And I'll fall on my knees

Tell me how's the way to go

Tell me how's the way to see

Show me all that I could be

And I'll fall on my knees

Tell me how's the way to be

Tell me how's the way to go

Tell me why I feel so low

Danger will follow me now

Everywhere I go

Angels will call on me

And take me to my home

These tired eyes just want to remain closed

I don't see clearly

Can't feel nothing, no

Can you hear me

And I'll fall on my knees

Danger will follow me now everywhere I go

Angels will call on me and take me to my home

And danger will follow me now everywhere I go

Angels will call on me and take me to my home

And angels will follow me now, lead me to my home

Angels will follow me now, lead me to my home

* * *

Dedications, June 7, 2020, Chapter 15:

THANKS TO EVERYONE WHO READS THIS SO FAR AND COMMENTS, LIKES, FAVORITES, FOLLOWS, ADDS TO READING LIST ETC.

Ao3:

AddisonAddek for the phenomenal Comments. Can't thank you enough!

TheNetflixGal for the Comments.

TheNetflixGal, Illyiad, KyHasNoLife, Arahneia, AddisonAddek, Hotgitay, and 2 guests for the Kudos.

Subscriptions: 3 Hits: 251 Kudos: 8 Comment Threads: 17 Bookmarks: 0

Fanfiction:

rhi bradley and Anne for the Reviews.

kaipulani, aj.poppin, for the Favs.

rhi bradley, kaipulani, FightSong, aj.poppin, kjo2000 , janaxtrattner for the Follows.

1638 Hits.

Wattpad:

Ty- arizonaslesbianism (bonus and thanks for the shoutout on their story!), danielaperezsurga, new_being, outlawqueenpercabeth, addiesrep, for the SPECTACULAR comments and stars. JordynMarie05, rene418, for the votes so far.

434 Reads, 69 Votes, 329 Comments. Many people, who added this to their reading lists.

AND THANKS TO EVERYONE ELSE, WHO READS THIS, EVER!

Ps. Thanks to those of you who have PM'd reviews of this work, also!

Special thanks to everyone who has followed me as an author, added me to your favorites, read everything and anything I've ever published. There are more and more of you who invest in my work like that every day, and it warms my heart. My dearest thanks to you all.

* * *

_Ps. New MerAdd fics are up or updated, recently:_

####  [ **Reddit Imagines - MerAdd in 2020. Experimental Fic #1** ](https://archiveofourown.org/works/24589972)

[ **RED is the new BLACK.** ](https://archiveofourown.org/works/23737411/chapters/57005446)

####  [**Cookies & Quickies**](https://archiveofourown.org/works/23878315)

####  [ **Bubble** ](https://archiveofourown.org/works/24426472)

####  [ **All Too Easy** ](https://archiveofourown.org/works/24492184)

[ **Prom?** ](https://archiveofourown.org/works/24438112)

_... And there will eventually, soon be new Chapters of these ones up:_

[ **Falling Apart, Barely Breathing** ](https://archiveofourown.org/works/23434480)

####  [ **Second Person (The Diary of Addison Montgomery)** ](https://archiveofourown.org/works/24276160)

####  [ **Soothe** ](https://archiveofourown.org/works/24039004)

####  [ **A Seattle Grace Mercy West Swingers Party - Post Plane Crash Edition** ](https://archiveofourown.org/works/23604244)

####  [ **Out Of The Dark** ](https://archiveofourown.org/works/23528218)

Feel free to check them out, hopefully after you leave a note, and have a great day!

[ **_bobbiejelly_ ** ](https://archiveofourown.org/users/bobbiejelly/pseuds/bobbiejelly)


	16. ALL ABOUT MY MOM

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> It's a nice day out.
> 
> If you were a free woman you might go jogging or something.
> 
> But you're not.

_Author's Note:_

Spoilers through GA-S2-E3.

Thanks for your patience with waiting an extra day!

Have a good one.

_bobbiejelly_

* * *

**CHAPTER CONTENT WARNING:**

**SKIP TO THE TITLE CARD AT YOUR OWN RISK IF YOU DO NOT WANT SPOILERS.**

**MAJOR SPOILERS AHEAD SO CHOOSE WHAT YOU NEED.**

Generally, the "Love The Way You Lie," Alternate Universe, Derek, is a dick. Apologies.

_bobbiejelly_

* * *

**Love The Way You Lie**

* * *

_Derek Shepherd, your husband, hits you- but you stayed until you couldn't stand up anymore. Your best friend Mark Sloan helped you leave him and you two had some adulterous sex. When you see Derek again in Seattle with another woman, all you want is to save her from him. You didn't mean to fall in love with her. She wasn't supposed to fall in love with you, either. But you both did, anyway._

_-Addison Forbes Montgomery, for Meredith Grey_

_MerAdd. Meddison. F/F. Meredith Grey/Addison Montgomery. Rated E for Explicit. Grey's Anatomy & Private Practice Crossover._

_CW: Domestic Violence. Unhealthy Relationships - Physically & Emotionally Abusive Addek & MerDer. Also briefly okay (non-abusive), Maddison & Mark/Derek._

_*This story is entirely fictional. Please seek professional help for abusive relationships in yourself and others. Take all abuse seriously.*_

* * *

**Chapter 16: ALL ABOUT MY MOM**

* * *

You wake up and it's daylight and you realize you've slept in.

You haven't slept through your alarm but you've slept enough that Derek Shepherd has gotten up early and gone to work with the car so you have to call a cab out here.

And you're pretty sure he's done this just to be an inconvenience.

_It is. Extremely so. Unfortunately._

It's a nice day out.

If you were a free woman you might go jogging or something.

But you're not.

And you don't really jog, either, mostly because you're not really free.

You make yourself some bitter coffee as you wait for the taxi and you wash off your mug.

You never leave anything around you might need because you never know where you might end up next.

You pack your bag you always keep on you and you think maybe today will be the day you could leave him.

Maybe you could just ditch and go back to New York and live with Sam and Naomi for a while and work at the Practice they still have temporarily there before moving to LA, California, until you get back up on your feet.

_They have a newborn and they're moving soon and they're already happy without you..._

Or you could move in with Archer for a while.

_All those people he brings home… Eek!_

Or you could… No, you don't want to move back in with your parents.

_You have a whole lot of problems but you don't need to layer on Bizzy Forbes and The Captain Montgomery and all the other 'strange Montgomeries,' that sometimes pass by that place._

Either way, you consider leaving for good.

_But what about Meredith Grey?!_

You could do it, you think. You could just run and hide and maybe change your name or something.

_Could you just take care of yourself for once? Is that a crime if you leave Meredith with Derek? You think if probably would be, especially if you change your name so he or she can't find you again..._

But you know you probably won't do that last part. Your mother is very proud of you being a 'Forbes,' and your father is very proud of being a 'Montgomery,' and you're only proud you have two names matching your brother's.

You could call him, Archer, that is. Or maybe Sam or Naomi.

Or hell, maybe even Mark Sloan.

Maybe he hates you less after all this time.

_Probably not. You're not sure either way, though._

You pack yourself into the taxicab and hand the driver a fistful of twenties when you get out.

You're just on time and you run to catch up with the elevator and you realize as you step on that you're on it with Derek and also Ricahrd Webber.

Richard who is wearing… A hat?

You tell Richard it's a nice hat. It is. That's it, no deeper meaning to it.

"Satan speaks," Derek admonishes you in front of Richard as he looks back to the Chief.

"Actually, I prefer to be called 'Ruler Of All That Is Evil,' but I will answer to 'Satan,' you say because you know you have your boss as a buffer.

Richard laughs and Derek definitely does not.

And Derek just asks Richard "what is she doing here?" As if it were normal for him to speak to you this way after literally sleeping with you just hours prior to this interaction.

Richard says he asked you to stay because a pediatric surgery attending is on maternity leave.

You nod because it's true and you say that you need a consultation from Derek for one of your cases.

You leave the elevator and see those two bickering about something but you're just glad that you're gone for now even if they're probably still bickering over you.

You see Meredith talking to Cristina but you can't hear what they're saying and you don't want to pry into their friendship anyway because you know it's not your place to do so.

You're happy she has a friend because she needs one.

You need one, but you're not going to get greedy here.

Meredith looks stunning as ever, just in her light scrubs and talking with her friend.

Her voice is empathic when she talks and her eyes light up from time to time.

You never want that light in her eyes to go out.

You're pretty sure it's long gone out of yours.

You see Derek giving Meredith a look as he walks by her and she can't help but look at him back.

You know those looks.

Derek's saying, 'I still want you,' and you know that really means, 'I still own you,' but you think she might not know that part yet.

_Derek still owns you, too, and you know that for sure._

You think that you're having a bad day, again, and you think that Meredith is having a bad day today, also.

_You never thought in a million years how things were about to get much, much, much, worse for Meredith Grey in a way you never would have expected..._

Bailey is saying there could be a diverticulitis case and you realize you could be called in to consult so you head to the pit as fast as you can.

When you get there, all you hear is screaming from an older female voice.

You don't know what to think of it all but you walk quickly in its direction.

A taller dirty-blonde-haired older woman is yelling "amateurs, you're all amateurs!" At everyone around her, and refusing to be touched by anyone but the Chief of Surgery.

You see Yang reading off the chart, "patient name…" Then trailing off for some reason and you see Meredith go as pale as a sheet.

' _What's Meredith's story with this newly admitted patient?' You wonder. You're about to find out..._

Apparently, the patient has Alzheimer's and you're still not sure who it is, yet. Bailey asks for Cristina to say her name and she opens her mouth to do so before the patient starts wailing at Meredith.

"What the hell are you doing here? ... How many times have I told you not to bother me when I'm at work!" The patient bellows, and Meredith backs herself into a corner.

When Cristina says to Bailey, "it's Ellis Grey," you finally put the pieces together that this is Meredith's mother, and that she's not happy to see her daughter, and she also does not seem totally lucid.

You flashback to the conversations you had with Meredith the other day in the scrub room, how she talked about her mother never telling her that she's enough, and how you empathized with this fact, and now you know a little more about what she means by that.

You've heard of Ellis Grey before, about the 'Ellis Grey Method,' and Bailey's mentioned it to you. You've also heard from Bailey that Meredith doesn't like living under a shadow.

You now see how even without Derek around, Meredith had been living under a metaphorical storm cloud for a while and it's just now that this storm has passed overhead.

Meredith is hiding behind the corner of a wall, and you're somewhere not close but not far from the situation, either.

You'd like to be closer to Meredith but you aren't, and you wouldn't be able to get close to her without passing in front of the entire crowd of people that Ellis is still calling, "amateurs," and therefore ignoring your doctorly duties.

So you don't, and you try to shoot Meredith a sympathetic grin, but she doesn't meet your eye, and you see George O'Malley trying to fawn over her and you realize that he probably hopelessly has a thing for Grey, too.

' _Great,' you think. Of course. Meredith has all the boyfriends at her feet and you just have the husband from hell that you can't seem to shake off._

You're glad that Meredith has people who care for her, of course.

You just want it to be you doing the caring, and selfishly, you want her to care for you, too.

She understands you already in a way no one else has, ever, and you just don't want to give that up quite yet.

Just when you want to go the other way around the hall, you run into her.

You actually bump into her because you're walking fast.

"I'm so sorry, Grey," you say and check to make sure she's not injured.

"Don't be, I wasn't watching where I was going," she says.

"Are you okay?" You ask her, you know she's not though, and you're not sure why you even asked her that.

You care, and you want her to be okay, desperately.

Meredith seems to sense something in your tone and she relaxes a bit as she keeps talking.

You know you shouldn't be talking with her in the open, but it'll look more suspicious if you ask her to go somewhere secluded so you stay where you are.

If Derek asks you'll say you were talking about a patient, which you sort of are, you suppose.

"You know, it's just all about my mom all the time," Meredith begins.

"Mm?" You motion for her to go on.

"See, it was all about my mom from the beginning. Her career, her wishes, her needs exceeded Thatcher my father's…" Meredith begins and you nod.

You think, idly, that in your family it was all about your daddy but you don't say that out loud.

"Ellis Grey was famous, and she loves that, but she didn't want to be famous about me," Meredith continues.

You're overwhelmed with the sense of joy when Meredith starts talking with you deeply.

You sense she knows that you really do understand.

_You both are cut from the same fucked-up family situation kind of cloth._

"And even now, when I started this school, she asked if I was her doctor, and I said I wasn't but that I am a doctor, and she said I looked like her daughter but she didn't remember me," Meredith yelps and you can tell she's about to burst into tears.

Meredith reaches for you, and you place a hand gently on her shoulder, and you tell her it will be okay.

You want to give her more, you want to give her a hug, you want to pull her into your arms, you want to rock her and cradle her and offer her a kiss on the forehead.

But you can't, and you know that, and she seems to know that, too.

You're not sure when or why or how she figured out that in this trio of yours that Derek gets you and Derek gets her but Derek doesn't want you to get each other as well, even though you seem to 'get,' how each other feels and it makes you both feel alright every time.

Meredith stands there, and you have the hand there, and you feel the heat of her body warmth radiate up through your palm.

You hope your hand is not too cold on her shoulder, but she's leaning into your touch, and she's grounding you and you're grounding her and for a moment you say nothing.

You don't need to.

_You don't know what to say, anyway._

You just want to stay to comfort Meredith more, but you get paged to the NICU to consult on your premature baby case with Derek Shepherd.

Meredith pulls away first when she sees your face and she just gives you a "thank you," before rushing off.

You make your way down to the Neonatal Intensive Care Unit and you pick up the chart from the hall.

The patient is a premature baby, a preemie, who has a strong grip but brain abnormalities that are likely fatal.

It holds onto your finger with its entire hand and you feel it curl around you like a lifeline.

You wonder if you ever looked like this, so weak and vulnerable and oh, so alone.

You realize you're not that different today then you were then, and that you still are…

Doctor Isobel Stevens walks in and you realize she reminds you of you a bit, in a different way than how Meredith Grey does.

Izzie reminds you of you as a junior doctor, and you see her same empathy and expression towards her patients.

She's staring at the preemie along with you and you can tell that Izzie wants to will it to be alright.

The baby has been abandoned by her parents, and you sort of feel like you've been abandoned in a way, too.

Derek is still with you but not mentally with you. Mark has stopped answering you back completely. Your parents never really loved you. You haven't heard from Sam, Naomi or Archer in days...

Your husband walks in and reads over the chart and wants to give up immediately. You can tell by the scowl on his face that he thinks that you're wasting his time.

_You think that you're just a waste of everyone's time, but especially his..._

There are many things wrong with the baby. You still want to try, though. Even just to prove a damn point.

"I know she's a long shot," you say, advocating for the preemie.

Derek says that there's no way the baby will survive spinal surgery.

You try to remain optimistic even though you're pretty sure he can tell you're hardly believing yourself.

Derek talks about the kind of life the baby would have, how many health problems she would have.

You know it already, but you let him talk because you know he's also right.

Izzie is here and you know she's heartbroken for the baby but not for you.

You know that's a good thing, but a part of you keeps thinking that if Grey were here, that she'd see the parallels with your situation (and also hers) and that she'd feel heartbroken for you too, maybe.

"You're not God...honey," you say to Derek, who asks, "Did you just call me honey? Don't call me honey!"

He's making a scene in front of the junior resident he knows won't tell on him and he's right.

Izzie makes a face like she is very uncomfortable being in the middle of all this.

You both start talking about responsibility and oaths.

You know you're not really talking about the medicine now, though.

You're talking about your wedding vows and how you broke them and how it's all on you because you're a slut.

You slept with Mark Everett Sloan and because of that, you'll always have to grovel for scraps at his feet.

You say you "messed up, that people mess up, and Derek says, "You slept with my best friend on my favorite sheets."

You reply and call out his bluff because Izzie's here to keep him from kicking, "The flannel sheets? You hate the flannel sheets."

Derek says he loves them. You know he's a liar.

_You love the way he lies._

You say, "you like the Italian sheets with the paisleys."

He does, you know Derek does and he knows it too and he's just staring at you.

It's another standoff and you're glad that Dr. Stevens is here to witness it.

' _Save me, Stevens,' you want to yell because you think she might empathize._

_You don't love her the way you think you might be starting to love Meredith Grey._

_She doesn't understand from personal experience with Derek as Meredith does, but Izzie gets it._

Izzie interrupts, though, and says, "I'm sorry I'm just gonna go. I'll go check on the labs."

Derek looks at you and you look at him.

He smirks because he knows he's going to get you all alone.

Izzie leaves and Derek tells you not to do this.

_You know that 'this,' means fighting for a hopeless cause, a stand-in for you, and also Meredith Grey..._

You say that "the baby is a fighter."

Derek tells you not to get attached or involved and not to make the baby's life more painful than it already is.

You plead with him, "Please. She has no one to fight for her."

_You're talking about Meredith now, and you know it, and you're not sure if you want him to know that but you think that he already does._

Derek says she's too far gone and to "let her go in peace."

_This whole conversation is parallel to your relationship and your marriage._

_(Or, it would be if he were trying to spare you pain which he isn't, and he's not merciful to Meredith, either.)_

_You fucking hate this day so far except for the one moment when you had your hand placed on Meredith Grey's tender shoulder..._

Derek leaves and you're sad and you say, "Fine, Derek. Walk away. [more quietly] It's what you do best."

You know you're lying too, though.

He won't walk away because he still wants to own both you and also Grey.

_You wonder if he loves the way you lie to him, also...?_

* * *

*

*

*

*

*

***** **END OF CHAPTER SIXTEEN**

* * *

_Author's Note:_

The title reference is also an episode title of the Season 5 finale of "Weeds," by Jenji Kohan.

Yeah, there wasn't a whole ton of MerAdd there… Oops.

Hoping to have more in the coming chapters, this was already really long.

_bobbiejelly_

* * *

Dedications, June 9, 2020, Chapter 16:

THANKS TO EVERYONE WHO READS THIS SO FAR AND COMMENTS, LIKES, FAVORITES, FOLLOWS, ADDS TO READING LIST ETC.

Ao3:

AddisonAddek for the phenomenal Comments. Can't thank you enough!

TheNetflixGal for the Comments.

TheNetflixGal, Illyiad, KyHasNoLife, Arahneia, AddisonAddek, Hotgitay, and 3 guests for the Kudos.

Subscriptions: 3 Hits: 300 Kudos: 9 Comment Threads: 18 Bookmarks: 0

Fanfiction:

rhi bradley and Anne for the Reviews.

kaipulani, aj.poppin , for the Favs.

rhi bradley, kaipulani, FightSong, aj.poppin , kjo2000 , janaxtrattner for the Follows.

2004 Hits.

Wattpad:

Ty- arizonaslesbianism (bonus and thanks for the shoutout on their story!), danielaperezsurga, new_being, outlawqueenpercabeth, addiesrep, for the SPECTACULAR comments and stars. JordynMarie05, rene418, for the votes so far.

502 Reads, 77 Votes, 351 Comments. Many people, who added this to their reading lists.

AND THANKS TO EVERYONE ELSE, WHO READS THIS, EVER!

Ps. Thanks to those of you who have PM'd reviews of this work, also!

Special thanks to everyone who has followed me as an author, added me to your favorites, read everything and anything I've ever published. There are more and more of you who invest in my work like that every day, and it warms my heart. My dearest thanks to you all.

* * *

_Ps. New MerAdd fics are up or updated, recently:_

####  [ **The Entertainment** ](https://archiveofourown.org/works/24628042)

[ **RED is the new BLACK.** ](https://archiveofourown.org/works/23737411/chapters/57005446)

####  [**Cookies & Quickies**](https://archiveofourown.org/works/23878315)

####  [ **Bubble** ](https://archiveofourown.org/works/24426472)

####  [ **All Too Easy** ](https://archiveofourown.org/works/24492184)

[ **Prom?** ](https://archiveofourown.org/works/24438112)

_... And there will eventually, soon be new Chapters of these ones up:_

[ **Falling Apart, Barely Breathing** ](https://archiveofourown.org/works/23434480)

####  [ **Second Person (The Diary of Addison Montgomery)** ](https://archiveofourown.org/works/24276160)

####  [ **Soothe** ](https://archiveofourown.org/works/24039004)

####  [ **A Seattle Grace Mercy West Swingers Party - Post Plane Crash Edition** ](https://archiveofourown.org/works/23604244)

####  [ **Out Of The Dark** ](https://archiveofourown.org/works/23528218)

Feel free to check them out, hopefully after you leave a note, and have a great day!

[ **_bobbiejelly_ ** ](https://archiveofourown.org/users/bobbiejelly/pseuds/bobbiejelly)


	17. GRIP

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> You hear every single one of Derek Christopher Shepherd's footfalls as he marches away from the patient room.
> 
> You're alone, then, or alone with this sickly premature baby with no name at all yet you know of.
> 
> How terribly sad.

_Author's Note:_

Spoilers in this chapter through GA-S2-E3.

Important commentary about the story:

In some discussions I have had in the comments with Arizonaslesbianism, it was pointed out upon my request for honest feedback about favorite chapters of this story so far that the last chapter, "All About My Mom," was kind of… Boring. (And also that favorite chapters so far from them are "Angel," "Linoleum Roses," and "Sutures," which I empathize with, and I'll add that my favorite chapter thus far is "Anniversaries," because apparently I like writing pain...) And I'd also love to know your favorite chapters, too!

And I fully admit that that is completely true that last chapter was kiiiiinda boring; it's a darker take on canon with only one extended MerAdd scene with a hand placed on the shoulder and a tearful confession from Meredith about her mother.

So it's not super significant, and that's part of why it's an addition to the story. Why? Well, a big part of how abusive relationships function is that there are 'honeymoon,' periods in them when things are going good and wonderful, often after a crisis. This makes people in abusive relationships more likely to cling on, thinking that the 'bad times have passed,'. There are also dull periods in abusive relationships, where, after the cycle of good-bad-honeymoon is obvious to both parties, an abusive partner might lull a state of 'normalcy,' and 'complacency,' with their actions. Thereby inflicting no drastic measures either way, nor super bad nor super good.

This last chapter was a prime example, and it was subtle so I'm taking the time to show you if it wasn't noticed. No problem if it wasn't, I hadn't fully fleshed it out myself until last night. Remember, at the beginning of the last chapter while Addison was in Derek's trailer, Addison was almost willing to leave Derek and just take off on her own. At the end of the chapter though, after the scene with Addison and Derek with Izzie and the preemie in the NICU, Addison was wondering if Derek also, 'loved the way she lied to him,' but she wasn't thinking anymore about leaving him, only about staying.

_They fall into the same patterns, the same routine… (Also Eminem lyrics)._

Additionally, I hope it was clear in the last chapter that Addison 'has a thing,' for Meredith Grey, but she does not have the same feelings for Izzie Stevens.

Addison feels sexual and romantic and friendship inklings towards Meredith, and towards Izzie she just feels like Izzie could be a good friend or ally to her, and secretly wants Izzie to worry over her like she's worrying over the preemie as Addison also is.

That's just what I wanted to say, to make sure that was articulated. This is brought up because AddisonAddek had some lovely comments to say about Izzie being awkwardly in the middle there, which she was, which was funny in canon and in here, but darker here, of course.

CHEERS!

_bobbiejelly_

* * *

**CHAPTER CONTENT WARNING:**

**SKIP TO THE TITLE CARD AT YOUR OWN RISK IF YOU DO NOT WANT SPOILERS.**

**MAJOR SPOILERS AHEAD SO CHOOSE WHAT YOU NEED.**

Implied bad things are happening maybe?

_bobbiejelly_

* * *

**Love The Way You Lie**

* * *

_Derek Shepherd, your husband, hits you- but you stayed until you couldn't stand up anymore. Your best friend Mark Sloan helped you leave him and you two had some adulterous sex. When you see Derek again in Seattle with another woman, all you want is to save her from him. You didn't mean to fall in love with her. She wasn't supposed to fall in love with you, either. But you both did, anyway._

_-Addison Forbes Montgomery, for Meredith Grey_

_MerAdd. Meddison. F/F. Meredith Grey/Addison Montgomery. Rated E for Explicit. Grey's Anatomy & Private Practice Crossover._

_CW: Domestic Violence. Unhealthy Relationships - Physically & Emotionally Abusive Addek & MerDer. Also briefly okay (non-abusive), Maddison & Mark/Derek._

_*This story is entirely fictional. Please seek professional help for abusive relationships in yourself and others. Take all abuse seriously.*_

* * *

**Chapter 17: GRIP**

* * *

You hear every single one of Derek Christopher Shepherd's footfalls as he marches away from the patient room.

You're alone, then, or alone with this sickly premature baby with no name at all yet you know of.

_How terribly sad._

You flinch when you see the door open but you soften when you see that it's Meredith Grey.

_Why is she here?_

"Hey," you say cautiously as she walks into the room.

"Hey," says Meredith as she comes to join you in the NICU.

"Did he- Derek didn't see you walk in, did he?" You ask because you want to be sure.

You realize in asking that you just gave up the fact that you're worried, but this doesn't seem to be a revelation for Meredith, who just says to you, "no, he didn't see, don't worry about it," with a sigh.

"Are you okay?" You ask Meredith tenderly.

"I should be asking you that," Meredith says, pointing to the baby and the baby's chart. "I heard, it sucks, it's so sad. The baby is in so much pain and it's so lonely and it's- Are you okay?" Meredith says to you again.

You're not sure what to say, because you're not sure if she's asking about the baby really, or about you, or about both and you're not really sure how to answer.

"Are you okay?" You counter again, because you need more time to think and she still had her mother screaming at her, earlier, so you think maybe that's why she's come to talk to you some more.

"Yeah, better, I guess," Meredith says with a sigh.

"My mother was tough, too, my father even more," you say, deciding to open up just a little. You've never talked about this stuff before, not even to Archer because he didn't want to, and you didn't tell Sam or Naomi or Mark, either. And Derek never asked.

"Mm," Meredith just says in understanding, seeming to have put that together from what you said the other day about you admitting that no one ever told you that you were enough, either.

"I just wish there was someone to tell this baby that they're enough, you know?" You say as you look at it, still gripping your finger.

"You just did," Meredith says, gesturing to you.

"You're right, I'll say it again," you say to Meredith, then turn to the baby and say, "you are enough you know, it probably doesn't feel that way because you're lonely, but you are, and you're strong…"

Meredith nods at you and you nod at her back.

Then she asks if she can take a turn holding the baby's hand and you say yes, motioning her to put her hand over yours so the baby slides to grip onto her finger.

You try to ignore all the fluttery sparks you get when her hand passes over yours because you know this is really not the time for such things when this baby is in such danger.

_You felt it though. You felt the shivers. Sparks._

"There's a patient who can't hide that she's blushing," Meredith says, changing the subject again.

"Yeah?" You ask, wondering if this is the case your husband is on in addition to this one.

"Yeah, all her emotions play on her face. It must be terrible, but also really nice to have nothing to hide," Meredith says with a sigh.

"Yeah," you sigh. Your life at least, would probably be entirely different if it weren't already over at this point if you showed all your emotions over your face and you couldn't lie; Derek might have beaten you just too hard for you to ever recover if you started to spill your truth out...

You're not sure if this comment from Meredith is meant to be something more directed at you, but you feel caught out anyway.

You're wondering if you should be asking Meredith what she's hiding because you get the feeling she might be hiding more about hers and Derek's interactions to not hurt your feelings about your husband.

You're suddenly terrified that he's beating her, too, or worse.

You're wondering what skeletons your husband is lining Meredith's closet with and you really want to ask but you're scared.

You're not sure if you're ready to give up answers to her inevitable questions and your thoughts are swirling around in your head as you watch the baby latch onto Meredith like a lifeline.

_You feel like you're latching onto Meredith Grey's sort of friendship like a lifeline._

It's some sort of solidarity you two have at least, you and Meredith talk about your mothers and fathers and how you don't always feel like you're enough.

And ironically, that's enough for you, mostly, to feel like you're enough for a little while.

At some point you hear a noise in the hall and you both jump and you end up hitting one of your cuts with your hand and you gasp.

Meredith asks what's wrong and you lie and you say you cut yourself on your desk.

You get a scrutinizing look but Meredith looks away then and drops your gaze for a while and you're not sure what to make of all that.

You try to recover and you have to take deep breaths to contain your waves of pain from your wounds.

Usually you're good at this but you got startled and you pressed in the wrong spot and now you're really glad you don't have that automatic blushing condition because that would give you away completely.

You calm yourself down and Meredith seems to sense you want semi-privacy to do this so she focuses on the baby instead of you for a while.

"Dr. Montgomery?" Meredith asks you, eventually once you've settled down, and you snap your head around left and right to see if anyone heard her say your maiden name.

Meredith seems to see you panic and reassures you that no one is here, and in saying that you seem to get that she understands she's not supposed to call you that in front of anyone else.

Meredith is now, though, and you like it. You like it a lot. It makes you feel like a real person again.

You want to offer her something similar but you're not sure what that would be, so you ask:

"What do you want me to call you?" You say, and you hope she gets that you mean 'in private,' and 'when it's just the two of us,' and 'this can be our little secret like when you call me Montgomery,'.

Meredith thinks for a moment and she considers her options. Obviously she doesn't have a different last name other than "Grey," and that name has been problematic for her in the past.

You think you want to tell her not to worry about it since she has to think so hard but then she gives you an answer.

"Dr. Meredith," Meredith says, and you nod and smile because it seems fitting.

It shows she's a doctor which she has earned, but it's only about her and not her mother and/or father. And it lets her shine like the sun as her own person.

"It's a lovely name," you say. "So's yours," Meredith replies with a smile.

You both sit there contentedly again for a minute as you watch the baby wiggle rather weakly.

"Doctor Montgomery?" Meredith eventually asks you again. "Doctor Meredith?" You reply and Meredith giggles for a second before going serious.

"What are you going to do about the baby?" Meredith says with a sigh, as if knowing you probably don't have any magical solution in mind, and you don't.

"I hate to let them go, but I just might have to," you say sadly.

"It's okay to let go, it's not your fault, no one is blaming you, you did what you could and you fought and you tried, but you're not giving up if you let her go gently," Meredith says.

Meredith is looking you in the eye and you realize she's not talking only about this baby.

Meredith is talking to you about herself. She's telling you in this way that you can leave her with Derek, she's giving you permission. And it breaks your damn heart all over again.

You think bitterly that in another life, that you two would be fighting to have a relationship with Derek, and not to be getting out of one.

You try to imagine what that might have been like, if you were seriously fighting to both get Derek to pick you, choose you, love you, instead of who will be able to escape his wrath…

"I shouldn't, though, the baby, and- I don't want to let go," you finally admit as you stare at the baby again but you know that Meredith can still tell by your face that you're thinking of her, also.

"But you can, you've done what you can here, you can go without any regrets if you want to," Meredith says fervently and now you know she's definitely talking mostly about you.

"What did- What do you- How- Why- What- When-?" You ask Meredith all these questions at once. The only question you don't ask is 'who?' Because you both already know the answer to that one loud and clear…

Meredith opens her mouth to answer but she gets an urgent page and she swears when she sees it.

"I have to go, I have surgery with Derek-Doctor Shepherd- I mean- I'm sorry. Good luck with the baby, but as I said, I'd forgive you and I'd totally understand, if you let them go, if you left it would be okay," Meredith says as she runs to catch up with her surgery.

You know she's talking about herself relative to you and you consider your options as you see her disappear into the hallway.

You consider leaving in the morning, you consider telling Richard you're resigning and disappearing back to New York.

Would anyone notice if you vanished? You pale to wonder. Maybe she would, and you're finding it hard to let that one go. To let her go…

But then, you give it some thought that maybe it's only because of YOU that Derek is violent, and you think maybe that Derek would be better for Meredith- because she's better than you and maybe she's what he needs…

You think about this, but you realize it's unlikely to be true because Meredith seems to have already figured out that you're hiding from him, and she hides from him when she's talking only to you, and you wonder what the hell happened between them at the trailer...

You sit all afternoon with the premature baby. Izzie comes in and says "the baby has a good grip."

You agree as she's holding on to your finger again and she hasn't let go.

Izzie gives you the baby's test results and they don't look promising - the antibiotics haven't been working.

Your heart breaks again for the baby and you bite your lip hard as you look up at Izzie.

You want to apologize for fighting with her around, earlier, but you can't seem to form it in your words.

Izzie gives you a pitying look, and you hate it even more and you want to say something.

Then Izzie looks at the baby with the same soft eyes and you decide you can handle her looking at the baby like that but not at you.

_It just reminds you that you're both helpless and broken and beyond repair and alone…_

You smile weakly at Izzie, and Stevens gives you a small smile as well.

You decide that if Izzie was your age and if she was already an Attending or even a resident that you'd have liked to befriend her.

You don't have an interest in her sexually or romantically like you stubbornly still seem to over Meredith Grey.

But you still enjoy Doctor Stevens' company all the same, and despite trying not to, perhaps over the solidarity of who you are to 'Meredith's McDreamy,' as you've heard the interns call him, you two seem to get along better than yourself with most of the others, but then again you haven't really interacted with George or Cristina or Alex so far, anyway…

Izzie is looking at you expectantly and you realize you're probably supposed to be saying something to her, here, but you have no idea what to offer until you think about it.

You suggest that Izzie get transferred to another case because she's too far gone but you add that she does have a good grip.

Izzie accepts this and takes off with only a friendly glance back at you which you accept with a nod.

You think it's eerie you have not heard from or seen Derek in hours, but then again he has that other case to handle.

You realize then with a chill in your bones that Meredith Grey with Derek in the O.R and you thank God that at least there's an entire team with an anesthesiologist and scrub nurses and probably more interns and maybe Bailey to keep watch over it all.

You also think that Derek wouldn't jeopardize his career over either of you. Derek never hits you or yells in front of people. He only does it in private and leaves you to suffer.

To his colleagues, he probably seems like just a normal married guy who is slightly annoyed you cheated on him- if they even know that at all.

To your parents, Derek even seemed fine and they still liked him when you had him over to your parents' place for dinner when Bizzy and The Captain insisted. He was on his best behavior and you just hurt later or long after.

You try not to doze off as you watch the baby for hours and hours.

As the baby drifts off, it's grip loosens and it terrifies you for a second.

You think for a moment the baby is dying but then you realize from the even breathing of sleep.

You sigh, and you take your hand away and you decide that it's good that it's getting some rest.

You try to lean back and recuperate for a moment, but when you take your hand graces your stomach after being attached to the baby for so long your nails end up digging into your sutures.

You feel the stinging pain of your still tender scars and you wince when you realize you need to change your bandages again in a few hours.

You think of all the places you could do this discretely and you wonder again if you should follow Meredith's implicit offer and just leave Seattle for good and get away from it all.

You almost want to, and you're not sure if that's rational, and you're not sure if you would do it, anyway...

You could use some rest yourself, hell knows you need it. But you're at work and you can't and you know there's probably a crisis about to happen.

_Moments later, you'll know you were somehow just right about the incoming crisis..._

* * *

*

*

*

*

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***** **END OF CHAPTER SEVENTEEN**

* * *

_Author's Note:_

Here's some fluffy and slightly dark angst here.

So there's more connection between Meredith and Addison as a friendship.

There's also more ambiguity about how Derek is treating Meredith.

Any guesses as to what is going on?

Let me know your thoughts in the comments!

Writing this limited second person is fun for this because there's a certain amount of bias because the story is only told from one person and it's part of the joy and the mystery...

_bobbiejelly_

* * *

Dedications, June 10, 2020, Chapter 17:

THANKS TO EVERYONE WHO READS THIS SO FAR AND COMMENTS, LIKES, FAVORITES, FOLLOWS, ADDS TO READING LIST ETC.

Ao3:

AddisonAddek for the phenomenal Comments. Can't thank you enough!

TheNetflixGal for the Comments.

TheNetflixGal, Illyiad, KyHasNoLife, Arahneia, AddisonAddek, Hotgitay, and 2 guests for the Kudos.

Subscriptions: 3 Hits: 322 Kudos: 9 Comment Threads: 20 Bookmarks: 0

Fanfiction:

rhi bradley and Anne for the Reviews.

kaipulani, , for the Favs.

rhi bradley, kaipulani, FightSong, , kjo2000 , janaxtrattner for the Follows.

2134 Hits.

Wattpad:

Ty- arizonaslesbianism (bonus and thanks for the shoutout on their story!), danielaperezsurga, new_being, outlawqueenpercabeth, addiesrep, for the SPECTACULAR comments and stars. JordynMarie05, rene418, for the votes so far.

550 Reads, 81 Votes, 384 Comments. Many people, who added this to their reading lists.

AND THANKS TO EVERYONE ELSE, WHO READS THIS, EVER!

Ps. Thanks to those of you who have PM'd reviews of this work, also!

Special thanks to everyone who has followed me as an author, added me to your favorites, read everything and anything I've ever published. There are more and more of you who invest in my work like that every day, and it warms my heart. My dearest thanks to you all.

* * *

_Ps. New MerAdd fics are up or updated, recently:_

####  **[The Entertainment](https://archiveofourown.org/works/24628042) **

[ **RED is the new BLACK.** ](https://archiveofourown.org/works/23737411/chapters/57005446)

####  [**Cookies & Quickies**](https://archiveofourown.org/works/23878315)

####  [ **Bubble** ](https://archiveofourown.org/works/24426472)

####  [ **All Too Easy** ](https://archiveofourown.org/works/24492184)

[ **Prom?** ](https://archiveofourown.org/works/24438112)

_... And there will eventually, soon be new Chapters of these ones up:_

[ **Falling Apart, Barely Breathing** ](https://archiveofourown.org/works/23434480)

####  [ **Second Person (The Diary of Addison Montgomery)** ](https://archiveofourown.org/works/24276160)

####  [ **Soothe** ](https://archiveofourown.org/works/24039004)

####  [ **A Seattle Grace Mercy West Swingers Party - Post Plane Crash Edition** ](https://archiveofourown.org/works/23604244)

####  [ **Out Of The Dark** ](https://archiveofourown.org/works/23528218)

Feel free to check them out, hopefully after you leave a note, and have a great day!

[ **_bobbiejelly_ ** ](https://archiveofourown.org/users/bobbiejelly/pseuds/bobbiejelly)


	18. GONE

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The first cut is the deepest. You laugh at the irony. The millionth one is always the deepest because it cuts through the scar tissue whole.

_Author's Note:_

Yes, this is back!

And with another update!

Canon spoilers through GA-S2-E3

_bobbiejelly_

* * *

**CHAPTER CONTENT WARNING:**

**SKIP TO THE TITLE CARD AT YOUR OWN RISK IF YOU DO NOT WANT SPOILERS.**

**MAJOR SPOILERS AHEAD SO CHOOSE WHAT YOU NEED.**

Sutures.

_bobbiejelly_

* * *

**Love The Way You Lie**

* * *

_Derek Shepherd, your husband, hits you- but you stayed until you couldn't stand up anymore. Your best friend Mark Sloan helped you leave him and you two had some adulterous sex. When you see Derek again in Seattle with another woman, all you want is to save her from him. You didn't mean to fall in love with her. She wasn't supposed to fall in love with you, either. But you both did, anyway._

_-Addison Forbes Montgomery, for Meredith Grey_

_MerAdd. Meddison. F/F. Meredith Grey/Addison Montgomery. Rated E for Explicit. Grey's Anatomy & Private Practice Crossover._

_CW: Domestic Violence. Unhealthy Relationships - Physically & Emotionally Abusive Addek & MerDer. Also briefly okay (non-abusive), Maddison & Mark/Derek._

_*This story is entirely fictional. Please seek professional help for abusive relationships in yourself and others. Take all abuse seriously.*_

* * *

**Chapter 18: GONE**

* * *

Your first crisis is that you've made up your mind.

You're going to leave Seattle. You're going to ask to divorce him and if he says no, you're going to leave him anyway.

You know you'll have to leave all the career progress you made here but it's small pennies compared to what you could be making if you didn't have to watch for him over your shoulder.

You think you could be a better person if you didn't have to hide your damn cuts all the time.

_The first cut is the deepest. You laugh at the irony. The millionth one is always the deepest because it cuts through the scar tissue whole._

You're walking to the Chief's office.

You're going to tell Richard.

You're going to break the news.

Richard is walking together with you.

You take a deep breath and say you're going to leave the next morning.

Richard does not want you to go.

You both go into his office.

Richard asks about the premature baby.

You stiffen your lip as you say that you're letting her go.

_You're not talking about the preemie here. You're talking about someone you wish you could call your 'baby,'. You're talking about Derek's lusty intern you're falling in love with..._

"He calls me Satan, Richard...He wins. I'm leaving in the morning," you add.

It's not a very convincing argument because he laughed at that joke and you know he knows you don't actually care.

_You care that he's a reincarnation of everything evil and that if he rose somehow to heaven that you would want to run past him to hell because it might be healthier than an eternal afterlife with him in it._

George knocks on the door, something concerning Ellis.

You realize again that he has a puppy crush on Meredith because he seems very concerned about Meredith's mother.

So are you but so is George and it pisses you off even though you're leaving.

Richard motions for him to come in and you see something shift in Webber's expression at the mention of Meredith's mother but you have no idea why and you're not going to ask, anyway.

You overhear George tell Richard that Ellis has a mass on her liver and your heart breaks for Meredith because her mother might have cancer and you're going to flee to New York and it's all so fucked up you can't stand it.

_Years later you'll realize this was fucked up for reasons beyond your control as well._

The chief asks George to leave and you sit there with him for a moment and you're wondering if he's going to say something to you about why he's staring off to space but he doesn't.

Richard asks you not to let him drink in the next ten minutes and you're shocked because why would he drink at work but then again you wonder if Derek does, sometimes.

You don't.

You would never.

You don't need any other reason to fire your stupid ass.

Richard decides he can't handle his office anymore and you're walking with him and George is still hanging around outside his office so he walks along with you.

Richard tells George they need to do a biopsy before saying it's cancer.

You George run off to tell Meredith the news with the paper.

You can see Meredith whisper something to George who goes into Ellis' room and then he comes out of it again and comes back to join you all the while and you watch as Meredith leans up against the counter and you wish you could kiss it all better.

_You don't think your kisses would be good enough to make anything better but you'd try for her._

You see Doctor Stevens running up from the first floor hallway and you think she's looking for the chief but she isn't.

Izzie sees you both and says she needs YOU.

Izzie is reluctant to say why she is needed in front of Richard and you realize she must have something incriminating to say. Something even more incriminating, apparently, than mothers with Alzheimer's and apparently, cancer, because all of that already happened today to her friend.

Your friend.

Sort of.

_You'd like to be more than just Meredith's friend but you'd settle for just a friend at this point._

Izzie Stevens says that Cristina Yang collapsed.

George is concerned.

You wonder why the hell YOU are needed.

Izzie does not say anything at all.

Oh.

You understand at the same time that Richard does even though George seems to only get it six seconds later, and yet, he's the one to finally say it.

George says, "Cristina's pregnant!?" Izzie tells him to shut up and asks you to come with her.

You do.

You follow her.

You follow Izzie and you find Izzie pretty nice as a person and you're worried because you have not talked to Cristina yet really but you know she's Meredith's best friend and you'll never live it down if you lose her.

As you leave the staircase you tell Richard that this does not change anything, that you're still leaving in the morning. Richard rubs his hand on his head. George says, "This is a very bad day."

The walk down the hallway is endless and Izzie doesn't talk and you don't talk.

Bailey's there and you and her and Izzie are trying to help the now you know is pregnant, Cristina.

Yang goes in and out of consciousness. Bailey asks if there's someone they can call. You see that a tube in Cristina's uterus burst and she is bleeding out.

You take a deep breath and you do this because this is what you are made for.

As you are operating on Cristina, Izzie asks if Cristina's going to be okay.

You ask her how attached she was to the pregnancy.

Izzie doesn't know because Cristina is a private person.

You empathize with this because you flashback to your own carrying of Mark's baby and how you fled your damn life and hid out at a hospital under 'Jane Doe,' until you ran out of cash.

Bailey is standing watch over Cristina. You say to Bailey that she must have another surgery to get to. Bailey says, "No, I'm fine right here" and strokes Cristina's head.

You respect Miranda Bailey so much more as a person from then on.

Bailey sees Meredith putting on a surgical mask in the scrub room.

You see her, too, and you want nothing more than to rush towards her but you can't because you're holding Cristina's organs in your hands.

Bailey goes and meets Meredith at the door. Bailey asks if Meredith needs something.

Meredith says she's going in.

Bailey says she's not going in.

Meredith says she's going in because she's Cristina's friend.

Bailey says, "Exactly. She's lying on the operating table, naked, exposed. She's sedated but she's probably scared out of her mind. And right now she's not a doctor, she's not your friend, she is a patient and she deserves to have all the privacy I can give her. You're not going in there."

Meredith says, "We went jogging this morning. I made her go jogging. There's no way that could've [trails off]?"

Bailey says, "No, no. It started out this way. Nothing caused it to happen."

Meredith says she has to let her in.

Bailey says, "You can try but I'd have to take you down. Hey, I may be short but you're pretty tiny. I could do it."

Meredith replies, "Right now, just at this moment, I hate you." Bailey says, "Yeah, well, I can take it."

You all look inside at Cristina.

You want Meredith to stay there even though you know Bailey asked her not to be for Cristina and you get that but you're greedy for Meredith's attention because you crave her calming presence more than anything.

You wonder where Meredith went to and if you'll catch up to her, later, or not.

You want to say goodbye before you go.

So you do.

You want to tell her everything before you leave.

You want her to know.

You find Meredith sitting by herself in an empty O.R. Gallery and you ask her if you can sit and she says that you can.

"Hey, Doctor Montgomery," Meredith says with a sad smile and you greet her with "Hey, Doctor Meredith," and she smiles at you for real.

You hold her gaze until she drops it again and you ask how she's doing.

Meredith says it's hard with Cristina because they are best friends and they have since the first day working here.

You nod and you tell her about Naomi and how you two met in medical school, lived together, you tell her about her husband Sam and about their daughter, Maya, who is your god baby.

Meredith says it's really beautiful that you got to be around for your best friend's delivery.

You don't tell her why you missed the rest of her pregnancy.

You want to tell her more but you want to know how much she knows, now, already.

You ask Meredith what happened that night at the trailer.

Meredith says she already told you.

You insist.

Meredith tells you.

_You don't know what even to say..._

You want to cry but you don't.

Meredith wants to hold you and you know you shouldn't let her but you do.

You let her take you into her arms because you know you're leaving and this might be the only time you let her have you like this so you let her.

You sink into her warm embrace and Meredith soothes over your skin with her hands.

And then Meredith's hand goes to rub soothing circles around your shoulder.

And then it moves down to rub soothing circles around your hip.

And then it lands on your stomach and you gasp and recoil because her fingernail grazed one of your sutures by accident and you think that you're bleeding again.

Meredith looks you right in the eye and asks you what happened.

_You want to tell her._

_You don't want to tell her._

_You hate Derek._

_You love Derek._

_You want to be honest._

_You love the way he lies._

_You're so fucking confused you're sitting there still in Meredith Grey's arms as she's waiting for her best friend on the planet to come out of surgery and she's comforting you and you want to cry but you don't._

Meredith asks if she can see what happened to you.

You close your eyes and consider this.

_You'll be gone in the morning, anyway._

You pull up your scrub top and you stare into her blue eyes and you watch them water to tears at your scars.

Meredith gives you a soft eye look that you know she usually reserves for patients and you usually would mind that you're being looked at like that but you don't.

A part of you loves that she's taking care of you now in the way that she can.

Meredith just being here, holding you, not judging you for your past and your present and future, it's the best gift she can give you and you think you could live your life remembering this.

You don't talk for a long time. Neither does Meredith. You notice she examines every one of your scars and you examine every one of her features and you just stay like that for a while.

You say you're leaving.

Meredith asks you for how long.

You say you don't know but it might be forever.

Meredith says that she'll miss you.

You cling to her shoulder and Meredith brings herself closer and you stay like this until you can feel her tears running down your own body and you see she's shaking from bawling so hard.

You tell her that she's enough and that she always will be.

Meredith tells it to you back.

You try to believe it because it's Meredith saying it to you.

You can tell she's trying hard to believe it, too.

_You don't, and neither does she, but you're neither of you denying it either, at least, not this time._

Meredith doesn't ask you why you're leaving and you don't tell her.

You wonder if she's long since guessed but you don't talk about it and neither does she.

Meredith just looks at your scars and asks you if you want her to help stitch you up again.

You look up at her and you realize that no person on the planet has ever asked you that before.

You say yes because you want to and you realize that at the very least you could call this a 'teachable moment,' should anyone see you together in an exam room.

Meredith takes the sterilized instruments and she asks you if you want lidocaine.

_You haven't used painkillers for simple sutures on yourself since before you can remember._

You say "no," because you don't and Meredith doesn't ask why and you like that about her.

Meredith doesn't question your choices or tell you what to do or not do with your body.

_Unlike everyone else, it seems. Especially your husband, Derek._

Meredith asks if you're ready and you say that you are.

_You are, as much as you can be. It's better than doing it yourself anyway._

You grit your teeth as Meredith ticks in the needle and expertly weaves it around the sutures you've already laid there.

It hurts but not as much as Meredith expects it to because she looks at you as if you'll scream but you don't and she just keeps going anyway.

You praise her on her technique.

She praises you, on yours.

You think she means that you didn't yell and Meredith tells you it's not that.

Meredith praises you on your suturing technique of your stomach.

You say "thank you."

You swear, then, because you realize you'd just admitted that you'd done them yourself.

_You always have, but you didn't quite expect to confess that part to Meredith Grey quite yet._

You enjoy her caring for you more than you should and you know that it's morbid as heck that you're the battered wife being stitched up by the mistress.

Her tender hands are winding in and out and you close your eyes and you wish she didn't have to be here for you.

Meredith says that she really doesn't mind.

You tell her that you mind that she's in the middle of this.

Meredith reminds you you're leaving.

But you're here now, you remind her.

Meredith sighs at you. You sigh at her.

_You just sigh together and you're not really angry at each other, anyway._

You wonder the fuck is wrong with you both but you're here and it doesn't feel wrong it feels alright and you're not sure why you're both so messed up like this.

Meredith asks if you're tired because she says that she is.

You say that you are.

You both know it means more than just being sleepy.

It's about being weary from being wary.

You're tired of having to wonder what torture to expect next.

You just want the pain to stop even though you have a penchant for Derek Shepherd-shaped-self-harm.

_You both do._

You ask her if she'll stay with him if you leave.

_You imagine in another universe hating her for wanting him and for Derek picking her over you._

You fantasize about that because surely this would be better than fighting over who gets to leave him unscathed.

Meredith wants it to be you, you can tell, and your guilt doesn't reach absolution when she says again that it's okay for you to escape it all.

"I don't want you to end up like me," you finally say to her.

It's your parting words if you have any to spare.

You don't have endless time before you have to go back to Derek to consult on that preemie before you go and you know she has to get back to Cristina.

But for now you let the words sink in and she lets the words sink in and she asks you how to stitch up her own sutures.

Your heart breaks for Meredith all over again and you tell her you don't ever want to have to tell her that.

Meredith asks you because she knows that you know how and she considers you an expert at the topic.

You tell her you don't want her to ever have to do that.

Meredith says that she won't always have Cristina to help her.

You sigh when you realize she's thought that part through and maybe even talked about it already with her best friend.

You didn't, but then again things were different, or were they?

You can't process that now.

You're just focused on Meredith Grey now.

The person you think you're really falling in love with now who calls you 'Doctor Montgomery,' and who you call 'Doctor Meredith'.

She's right here in front of you and she's not giving up.

Meredith Grey wants to know this from you before you're gone.

_Meredith asks you again how you give yourself sutures._

_But you know she's just asking you how she could give herself her own._

_You hope she never needs to know the answer to the question she asked you._

* * *

*

*

*

*

*

***** **END OF CHAPTER EIGHTEEN**

* * *

_Author's Note:_

Yes, there is still the mystery of what the hell happened to Meredith at the trailer.

Oh, and yeah this is the cliffhanger I'm giving you. Yep. That's right.

That's up for interpretation here.

Thanks for your patience with the wait, and with all the canon stuff with the extras thrown in, to get to the MerAdd part at the end.

Let me know what you think!

And your predictions!

THANKS!

_bobbiejelly_

* * *

Dedications, June 13, 2020, Chapter 18:

THANKS TO EVERYONE WHO READS THIS SO FAR AND COMMENTS, LIKES, FAVORITES, FOLLOWS, ADDS TO READING LIST ETC.

Ao3:

AddisonAddek for the phenomenal Comments. Can't thank you enough!

TheNetflixGal, bigredbirdthatlivesunderthecity, for the Comments.

bigredbirdthatlivesunderthecity, TheNetflixGal, Illyiad, KyHasNoLife, Arahneia, AddisonAddek, Hotgitay, and 2 guests for the Kudos.

Subscriptions: 3 Hits: 376 Kudos: 12 Comment Threads: 21 Bookmarks: 0

Fanfiction:

rhi bradley and Anne for the Reviews -2.

Kaipulani, ajpoppin , for the Favs.

rhi bradley, kaipulani, FightSong, ajpoppin, kjo2000 , janaxtrattner for the Follows.

2293 Hits.

Wattpad:

Ty- arizonaslesbianism (bonus and thanks for the shoutout on their story!), danielaperezsurga, new_being, outlawqueenpercabeth, addiesrep, for the SPECTACULAR comments and stars. JordynMarie05, rene418, for the votes so far.

550 Reads, 81 Votes, 384 Comments. Many people, who added this to their reading lists.

AND THANKS TO EVERYONE ELSE, WHO READS THIS, EVER!

Ps. Thanks to those of you who have PM'd reviews of this work, also!

Special thanks to everyone who has followed me as an author, added me to your favorites, read everything and anything I've ever published. There are more and more of you who invest in my work like that every day, and it warms my heart. My dearest thanks to you all.

* * *

_Ps. New MerAdd fics are up or updated, recently:_

####  [ **The Entertainment** ](https://archiveofourown.org/works/24628042)

[ **RED is the new BLACK.** ](https://archiveofourown.org/works/23737411/chapters/57005446)

####  [**Cookies & Quickies**](https://archiveofourown.org/works/23878315)

####  [ **Bubble** ](https://archiveofourown.org/works/24426472)

####  [ **All Too Easy** ](https://archiveofourown.org/works/24492184)

[ **Prom?** ](https://archiveofourown.org/works/24438112)

_... And there will eventually, soon be new Chapters of these ones up:_

[ **Falling Apart, Barely Breathing** ](https://archiveofourown.org/works/23434480)

####  [ **Second Person (The Diary of Addison Montgomery)** ](https://archiveofourown.org/works/24276160)

####  [ **Soothe** ](https://archiveofourown.org/works/24039004)

####  [ **A Seattle Grace Mercy West Swingers Party - Post Plane Crash Edition** ](https://archiveofourown.org/works/23604244)

####  [ **Out Of The Dark** ](https://archiveofourown.org/works/23528218)

Feel free to check them out, hopefully after you leave a note, and have a great day!

[ **_bobbiejelly_ ** ](https://archiveofourown.org/users/bobbiejelly/pseuds/bobbiejelly)


	19. PERMANENT

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> You don't tell Meredith Grey how to give herself sutures and she doesn't ask you again…
> 
> (Yet.)

_Author's Note:_

Yes, this is back!

And with another update!

Canon spoilers through GA-S2-E3

_bobbiejelly_

* * *

**CHAPTER CONTENT WARNING:**

**SKIP TO THE TITLE CARD AT YOUR OWN RISK IF YOU DO NOT WANT SPOILERS.**

**MAJOR SPOILERS AHEAD SO CHOOSE WHAT YOU NEED.**

Erm, nothing specific here?

_bobbiejelly_

* * *

**Love The Way You Lie**

* * *

_Derek Shepherd, your husband, hits you- but you stayed until you couldn't stand up anymore. Your best friend Mark Sloan helped you leave him and you two had some adulterous sex. When you see Derek again in Seattle with another woman, all you want is to save her from him. You didn't mean to fall in love with her. She wasn't supposed to fall in love with you, either. But you both did, anyway._

_-Addison Forbes Montgomery, for Meredith Grey_

_MerAdd. Meddison. F/F. Meredith Grey/Addison Montgomery. Rated E for Explicit. Grey's Anatomy & Private Practice Crossover._

_CW: Domestic Violence. Unhealthy Relationships - Physically & Emotionally Abusive Addek & MerDer. Also briefly okay (non-abusive), Maddison & Mark/Derek._

_*This story is entirely fictional. Please seek professional help for abusive relationships in yourself and others. Take all abuse seriously.*_

* * *

**Chapter 19: PERMANENT**

* * *

You don't tell Meredith Grey how to give herself sutures and she doesn't ask you again…

_(Yet.)_

Instead, Meredith asks you to call if you need her ever.

You ask her what she means but she just looks at you with understanding eyes and you can tell she means more than she'll say.

"Promise me you'll call if you need anything?" Meredith asks you.

"Meredith, I-" you stumble and you don't promise her anything.

You know you'll want to call her but you know you probably won't.

You don't want Derek to find out that you and her were talking because he'll probably start hurting her and you wouldn't want that in a lifetime.

So you don't promise her and she doesn't stop furrowing her brow at you and you realize she might not let you get away without promising her this.

You relize you probably owe her that anyway for all that she's done for you and the moment seems to go on for miles.

"I don't know where to call you," you confess, because you're not exactly going to leave a message on your own husband-you're-hiding-from's answering machine.

"I'll let you know that, I'll tell you later catch me before you go and I'll tell you, I'm getting a page now I have to go," says Meredith.

You see an apologetic look being thrown your way when she closes the door behind her and you didn't wince at any of the cuts but you wince when you hear the door latch close and you realize that you're all alone again.

 _Without_ _her_ _._

You sigh and you clean up all the instruments and sterilize them before you leave to go back to your patients.

You round on all of them and walk by Cristina Yang's room and she seems to be doing better and you're glad. You don't pass Meredith but you pass Izzie Stevens and George O'Malley and they both thank you for saving your friend.

When you see Alex Karev in the halls he grunts a nod of approval at you and you decide this is him thanking you, too, for Cristina.

The way he grunts is a lot like Mark Sloan and you squint a little about that fact.

Anyway, you don't get far before Preston Burke blocks your way and demands to know everything about Cristina.

"Did you know she was pregnant!?" Burke exclaims at you.

"Not until I was about to operate on her for her ectopic pregnancy," you explain to him.

"Did you know who the father was?" Burke asks you and you're not really sure why this is relevant.

"No? I mean, I only operated on her. I wasn't her treating physician," you try to explain to him calmly.

"She should have told me about it!" Says Burke to you.

_Oh._

A lightbulb goes off in your head and you realize that Burke must have been seeing Cristina.

' _Well, at least Burke isn't married to a secret someone else as far as you know,' you think idly._

You realize that as terrible Burke's reactions to Cristina's pregnancy are, you're happy at least that he's probably not as violent as Derek is. But then again, you're never really sure about that either way but you think that Cristina seems to be like someone who wouldn't take that crap.

Not that you think that Meredith is, but you're not sure she cares about herself enough to walk away from all this, and that breaks your damn heart even more.

Then you realize you're daydreaming and you've zoned out and Burke is still ranting on about Cristina and you try to keep your place but eventually excuse yourself to check on your actual patients.

Derek is inside with the premature baby girl when you walk into the NICU.

You're not happy to see him but you're happy to see him there.

He's looking at the preemie with hope and you don't want to get your hopes up about him saving it but you do.

You might hate your husband sometimes but you don't hate that he's a good neurosurgeon.

"The baby has gotten stronger since the morning. Derek says, "There's no reason in the world why she should be stronger since this morning," he adds while he sits in the rocking chair in the corner.

You tell him the baby is really beautiful.

Derek says if she makes it through the night and gets a little stronger they'll operate on her.

You're pleased and you smile at him and he smiles at you.

You crawl up onto his lap and you start whispering in his ear.

You realize this is actually extremely inappropriate while you're in front of babies but they're probably too young to notice what you're doing anyway.

"The way I see it we could deal with us in one of three ways. Option one, I could apologize, you could forgive me and come home and we could move on with our lives like adults. Or option 2, I could apologize, you could forgive me, come home but you could still bring it up to use against me whenever we argue," you say.

You're saying this because you know you're somehow-sex appeal is the only thing you have going for you here and you need to lull him into a state of submission the best you can while you plan your escape.

Derek smiles and asks, "Are you trying to be funny?"

You bend and lean in towards him and say, "Satan has a sense of humor."

Derek asks what the third option is.

"I don't know what the third option is," you tell him.

You kiss him for several seconds.

_You hope that this will be your last kiss with him._

"I just know I still love you."

And then you leave the room.

And then you realize that this is the first time _you've_ been the one lying to _him_ about _loving him_.

_You haven't decided whether or not you like it quite yet._

You're not sure where to do or where to go now but you wind up going to find Meredith.

She's waiting for you, Meredith is waiting for you.

You're not sure why but she is.

"Hey, Dr.-"

You can tell that she was about to call you 'Montgomery,' in public and you smile sadly and you say "hello, Dr." back without anything else because you don't want to call her 'Grey,'.

Meredith nods in approval at this and she asks you for help looking over some scans.

You nod and you follow her, even though you're all but sure she's just making up the part about the scans.

You see, you realize that Meredith is lying here but she's lying to protect you and Derek is lying to hurt you and you think there's a difference between those things but you're not certain.

There are actual scans though, you find that out when you arrive.

You help Meredith understand what needs to be done with a new consult of hers and then she sits down wearily in the chair and you slup down in the one beside her.

"You really have to go," she tells you.

"It doesn't mean you have to stay," you tell her.

You realize you're confessing a lot here but you don't really care at this point.

"I'll be okay," says Meredith.

"You could be. You're stronger than I am. You're prettier. Smarter. You'll be okay but you don't have to stay. You could go elsewhere, or stay but just-".

You cut yourself off before you really say it but you still think that she understands.

"You're worth more than him, Meredith," you say with a sigh.

_You think she's worth everything, but you're not going to tell her that, now._

You see her smile for a second before the sadness settles over her face again.

"So are you, Addison," she says and you realize how much you like her saying your name.

You start to shake your head at that but Meredith places a hand on your shoulder.

"You are," she says and you try to start to believe it.

You feel the heat of her palm on your shoulder and you lean into her touch.

You can't help it; you love it. You start to think you love her. You probably do.

And this is why you have to leave before you put her in even more of harm's way.

_It'll be years before you'll be able to realize you weren't the problem and your husband was. Even though that fact should really have been rather painfully obvious._

"You're leaving, and I want you to know you can call, so let me give you my number," says Meredith.

"Huh?" You ask in alarm as she pulls out a permanent marker.

"To call me. If you need anything. I don't know if you have anyone so I'm letting you know you can call me," says Meredith.

You have no idea how she got so perceptive but she somehow knows you well enough she knows you're really really lonely.

And pathetic.

And lost.

All of those things and more but either way Meredith is uncapping the marker and she's moving to write her number on your wrist and you pull away from her because you know someone could see it there.

"Not there," you tell her and she pulls back and nods.

"Where?" Meredith asks you.

You start to think maybe you should reach for a paper or something but then someone could find it so you start to brainstorm here.

"I could write it on your thigh," says Meredith.

"Why?" You ask.

"Because nobody sees that in winter usually," Meredith deadpans.

You want to ask her why she knows that but you don't and you nod.

Meredith looks at you insistently and you realize it's because you have to remove some clothing for her to write on your skin and you blush because you realize this involves you being half-naked in front of her and you feel like a whore all over again.

"You know I could write it myself later if you tell me your number," you say because you realize you don't want her to get the idea you're pressuring her to-what? You're the one with the inappropriate feelings.

"I want to know it's correct," she sighs and you understand.

You pull down your pants just a little bit, exposing your panties and your bare hips.

Meredith nods and takes the marker and leans in close to start to write just the seven numbers on the top of your hip so you can read them but not that it's obvious it's a phone number.

"He could still see it," you say, and you don't bother to specify who 'he,' is because you know she knows.

"No he won't. Because you'll stay away much longer than that. You'll be long gone when that finally washes off," says Meredith sadly.

_Long after where you might not ever see her again._

You feel every stroke of her permanent pen as she etches it into your skin. You sigh because even the slightest touch from her calms you and you wish you could just stay and hold on.

Meredith doesn't move away from you right away and neither do you.

She puts the cap on the marker and then she studies you and leans in again.

Meredith presses her forehead against yours and then you realize she's leaning in to kiss you.

"Meredith, we can't," you say because you know if Derek finds out he might really hurt her.

"I kissed him and he was married," says Meredith in a deadpan, and you flinch at that sentence and you realize also she just admitted she was about to kiss you.

"I just want you to know that someone cares," says Meredith.

"I know you do. You don't need to give away your body to show me," you tell her.

"If you know I care why do you push me away?" Meredith pleads with you.

"I don't know. I'm not trying to," you tell her.

_You aren't, but you are. Because you know she's supposed to hate you._

"I know, Montgomery," says Meredith.

You smile despite yourself.

You pull your pants up and tie them on again before something catastrophic happens.

You're glad that you did because you both jump when you hear the knock on the door.

_Meredith pulls her hand away from your cheek when she hears this and you're simultaneously both happy and sad that she even has to._

* * *

*

*

*

*

*

***** **END OF CHAPTER NINETEEN**

* * *

_Author's Note:_

Thanks for the encouragement to keep writing more of this one!

Also, I've given up on the long dedication parts as well as the recommended works because they are just too difficult to keep up with and I highly doubt people really read them?

This fanfiction is dedicated to everyone who reads it. That's a good dedication, right? :D.

###  [bobbiejelly](https://archiveofourown.org/users/bobbiejelly/pseuds/bobbiejelly)


	20. DECAY

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The knock on the door turns into a pounding.

_Author's Note:_

Yes, this is back!

And with another update!

Canon spoilers through GA-S2-E3

_bobbiejelly_

* * *

**CHAPTER CONTENT WARNING:**

**SKIP TO THE TITLE CARD AT YOUR OWN RISK IF YOU DO NOT WANT SPOILERS.**

**MAJOR SPOILERS AHEAD SO CHOOSE WHAT YOU NEED.**

Graphic depictions of violence.

_bobbiejelly_

* * *

**Love The Way You Lie**

* * *

_Derek Shepherd, your husband, hits you- but you stayed until you couldn't stand up anymore. Your best friend Mark Sloan helped you leave him and you two had some adulterous sex. When you see Derek again in Seattle with another woman, all you want is to save her from him. You didn't mean to fall in love with her. She wasn't supposed to fall in love with you, either. But you both did, anyway._

_-Addison Forbes Montgomery, for Meredith Grey_

_MerAdd. Meddison. F/F. Meredith Grey/Addison Montgomery. Rated E for Explicit. Grey's Anatomy & Private Practice Crossover._

_CW: Domestic Violence. Unhealthy Relationships - Physically & Emotionally Abusive Addek & MerDer. Also briefly okay (non-abusive), Maddison & Mark/Derek._

_*This story is entirely fictional. Please seek professional help for abusive relationships in yourself and others. Take all abuse seriously.*_

* * *

**Chapter 20: DECAY**

* * *

The knock on the door turns into a pounding.

Instantly.

' _This can't be good' you think to yourself, and you know you are right._

Pound, pound, pound.

"Coming!" Meredith says in a chipper voice as she moves past you to open the door.

"I KNOW YOU'RE BOTH IN THERE YOU WHORES. GET THE FUCK OUT, AND STOP SLUTTING AROUND IN THERE," his voice rings out loud and clear even though he's barely speaking about a low whisper.

_It's Derek Shepherd. But you knew that already. You have a sixth sense to know when he's there._

Meredith opens the door, you sigh warily when you see him.

Meredith's eyes go wide, but yours don't, because you're used to his shout-screaming.

You realize at this point that he's not hiding his tone from her.

_She knows._

The realization gives you cold bones as you see your illusion he's been any different towards her decay in front of your very eyes.

You try to open your mouth to say something to her.

To warn her even though it's redundant now.

But you don't get there before he slams the door behind himself and locks himself in with the three of you.

Two women, one man, the scan of the patient long forgotten by now.

All of these things (people plus objects- people being treated like objects- what's the fucking difference), all laid out in a row.

When he lunges to hurt her, you react before you even know what you're doing.

His hand reaches out as if in slow motion, raising high in the air about to smack down onto her skinny body but you don't let him.

You don't let her get hit like you are.

You shove her out of the way just hard enough so he misses her and his first punch lands right into your shoulder.

He caught on to your antics though.

When you open your eyes and you see his smug expression, you realize he was baiting you with her thee entire time.

He set you up.

_The bastard._

He set you both up.

_The asshole._

He hurts you both and he hates you both and apparently he beats you both up the same.

_Or would he?_

You don't find out because he keeps aiming at you and the punches and kicks come into your collarbone, and your breasts, and your thighs.

All the places he normally caresses he's bruising now and you don't know when he will get to your groin.

All of it is still expertly hidden by clothes you know.

He is not stupid, and his surgical precision leaves perfect purple welts all under your scrubs.

You don't scream, but Meredith starts to, and Derek lunges to shut her up as well.

"No, Derek," you plead with him. "Don't," you plead with him to spare her.

"Yes, I think I will," Derek says with a smirk and you realize he enjoys the way that you're scared for her.

You hasvn't been scared to save your own skin in so long, but you care about her, and he knows it and he takes advantage of that.

_Fuck._

"Run!" You plead with Meredith, but she's frozen in place with her eyes wide and he's just barely missing Derek's lunging motions.

"Get out!" You almost yell, but Derek covers your mouth after that.

"Help," is the last thing you remember whispering before you blackout.

The back of your head hits the tile of the floor, and you see him move towards her as he lets your body go to focus on hers.

"Addison," you hear your first name being spoken before your eyes close and you can't move, can't scream, and can't tell him to stop anymore.

You can't block him now.

You can't help her run away now.

_You know he hates her to love her the same way he hates to love you. You just hope for her sake he loves her enough that she'll survive what he has in store for her tonight._

But you don't know the answer because you're dead to the world before long.

* * *

*

*

*

*

*

***** **END OF CHAPTER TWENTY**

* * *

_Author's Note:_

Well, here's an update because I really do love this story.

It's harsh, I know.

Take care everyone :).

###  [bobbiejelly](https://archiveofourown.org/users/bobbiejelly/pseuds/bobbiejelly)


	21. YOU THREW STONES (AND I LAY LAYING DEAD)

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Beep. Beep. Beep.

_Author's Note:_

Thank you for all of the requests for more of this one 3.

Ready to dive in after that cliffhanger?

Enjoy!

_bobbiejelly_

* * *

**CHAPTER CONTENT WARNING:**

**SKIP TO THE TITLE CARD AT YOUR OWN RISK IF YOU DO NOT WANT SPOILERS.**

**MAJOR SPOILERS AHEAD SO CHOOSE WHAT YOU NEED.**

Graphic depictions of violence.

_bobbiejelly_

* * *

**Love The Way You Lie**

* * *

_Derek Shepherd, your husband, hits you- but you stayed until you couldn't stand up anymore. Your best friend Mark Sloan helped you leave him and you two had some adulterous sex. When you see Derek again in Seattle with another woman, all you want is to save her from him. You didn't mean to fall in love with her. She wasn't supposed to fall in love with you, either. But you both did, anyway._

_-Addison Forbes Montgomery, for Meredith Grey_

_MerAdd. Meddison. F/F. Meredith Grey/Addison Montgomery. Rated E for Explicit. Grey's Anatomy & Private Practice Crossover._

_CW: Domestic Violence. Unhealthy Relationships - Physically & Emotionally Abusive Addek & MerDer. Also briefly okay (non-abusive), Maddison & Mark/Derek._

_*This story is entirely fictional. Please seek professional help for abusive relationships in yourself and others. Take all abuse seriously.*_

* * *

**Chapter 21: YOU THREW STONES (AND I LAY LAYING DEAD)**

* * *

_Beep. Beep. Beep._

When you flicker in and out of consciousness or at least near-consciousness all you can hear around you is "beep, beep, beep".

Your body aches. You feel bruises everywhere. You think something's still broken but you're unsure.

Your head is in a fog. Your eyes are still shut tight. You sleep again.

_Beep. Beep. Beep._

You hurt.

It hurts you even more than before because you think your pain meds are wearing off.

You can barely breathe so you pass out again.

_Beep. Beep. Beep._

You start to have visions, and you know they are visions because they are of people who are already gone. Dead. In the past.

You start to see the people you've lost talking to you, and you miss them, so you talk to them.

Or rather, they talk with you.

_Beep. Beep. Beep._

You see your great-grandmother first. You only met her once, when you were three, that you remember. And she strokes your cheek tenderly and tells you you're a good kid.

A good kid.

You haven't heard that one in a while, but then again, she's remembering you as a toddler.

_Beep. Beep. Beep._

You see your great-grandfather next. You swear you can feel him fuzzing your hair and telling you that you and your brother are going to grow up to be strong someday.

You want to tell him all the great things that Archer's accomplished, how strong he is.

But he vanishes before you get the chance to.

_Beep. Beep. Beep._

The last person you see stops you cold.

It's not someone you've ever met yet.

It's not someone you ever thought you'd be meeting.

_Beep. Beep. Beep._

This one can't talk to you.

This one has no past memories with you.

This time, you know it's not just a projection of your past.

_Beep. Beep. Beep._

It's tiny. This tiny, tiny human. Would fit perfectly in the palm of your hand.

You have no idea why, but you realize who it is. Who it was.

(Who it could have been?).

_Beep. Beep. Beep._

You realize that this is your baby, or was your baby, or could have been your baby.

You don't know why, but somehow you know.

(Must be some sort of mother's instinct).

_Beep. Beep. Beep._

The fetus can't talk to you.

You're sort of relieved, I mean, a talking fetus might have been kinda creepy.

Even for this near-death-whatever, you seem to be experiencing right now?

_Beep. Beep. Beep._

Just the sight of your unborn child with Mark though stops you in your tracks.

You see the calm breathing, you see the lulled state of sleep. You see the serenity.

You see the repose in eternal resting, and you see the chaos it never had to experience.

_Beep. Beep. Beep._

A part of you wants to reach out and hold it, wants to have and to hold your tiny human in your arms for a moment.

You wonder if you have the imaginary strength here to do so.

And somehow, you do.

_Beep. Beep. Beep._

You hold your hands out under the nebulous surroundings and feel the soft and smooth skin of your baby.

You feel as you cradle this sweet child for the first time this unconditional love.

As your baby settles in and falls asleep again on your chest, you feel fulfilled and healed for the very first time in forever.

_Beep. Beep. Beep._

As you stay here, you start to feel numb, you start to feel the pain slip away.

You start to feel lighter.

You start seeing the light.

_Beep. Beep. Beep._

It's no longer quiet though.

It's no longer calm.

You start to regain a sense of relief when the beeping in your ears becomes louder.

_Beep. Beep. Beep._

You know you can't stay here.

You know your baby can't stay here.

But you know you don't want your child to be all alone.

_Beep. Beep. Beep._

Just as you start to feel helpless again, some familiar faces materialize.

It's your great-grandparents again, both of them, your great-grandmother and your great-grandfather.

They are walking towards both of you.

_Beep. Beep. Beep._

It's your past and your present, and actually both and neither of them all at once.

All of these visions of impossible scenarios are ahead of you.

Your great-grandmother is holding her arms out to you, and you finally understand.

_Beep. Beep. Beep._

"Your baby is so beautiful," your great-grandfather says, as you rest her into your great-grandmother's arms.

"Just as beautiful as you and your brother looked when you were born," your great grandmother adds for your benefit.

You smile as your great grandfather strokes your infant's head just as he does yours, and still does.

_Beep. Beep. Beep._

You watch for a moment as they caress their new loved one.

You never got to watch your child grow up for good reason, but maybe they will, in some sense.

You watch them wave goodbye to you and blow kisses. And that's how you know you have to move on now. You can't stand by and watch this parallel universe for eternity.

_Beep. Beep. Beep._

As you turn your back to them, you realize you've not left them in your heart. You carry them with you as you fold back into reality.

The warmth fades, the light fades, and the pain starts to return.

You embrace it though because that's how you know that your real life is finally coming back.

_Beep. Beep. Beep._

You wonder in another lifetime if you could have ever been happy raising that baby yourself, but then again, you see the joy that it brought to your great-grandparents long passed, and you know for certain that somehow this had all been meant to be.

You nod, and you start to walk forward.

You squeeze all the strength that you have into the 'beep, beep, beeping,' that you can hear.

_Beep. Beep. Beep._

The next soft gentle voice that you can hear is the one that you want to hear most in this world.

And also the one that scares you to death the most by the way that she sounds.

It's HER.

_Beep. Beep. Beep._

You realize that she's been right next to you the whole time, and then you think of the implications of that.

Meredith Grey is lying next to you in a hospital bed.

She's hurt, too.

_Beep. Beep. Beep._

She's alive though.

As you also are.

And she's calling for you.

_Beep. Beep. Beep._

"Addie?" You hear her soft broken voice.

You know you're both alone or she would ever be calling you that.

"Addison?" She tries again, but you're not sure you're strong enough to answer.

_Beep. Beep. Beep._

"Meredith…" you croak out in a whisper.

"Dr. Montgomery," she smiles widely, and you can hear it in her voice when she answers you even if you can't see her yet.

"You're alive…" you can't help but call out in relief.

_Beep. Beep. Beep._

You hear her say "I am, and so are you, and I'm glad," before you close your eyes again.

The lights are shining bright in your eyes now.

The pain of speaking is encompassing you.

_Beep. Beep. Beep._

You can vaguely hear her still though, and you're comforted by her sheer presence.

Just as you were comforted by the visions of your family members in the near-death-whatever dream.

You drift off again, but this time consciously so. And you hope with everything that you have that she's still here when you wake up in the morning.

_Beep. Beep. Beep._

(And that HE isn't.)

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***** **END OF CHAPTER TWENTY ONE**

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_Author's Note:_

Take care everyone;

The title for this chapter is lyrics from "The Shame," by Alex Cornish.

And yes, this one was sort of inspired by Meredith's 'near-death-whatever,' in Season 3. Weirder things have happened. LOL!

And yes, AddisonAddek, that was for you, an allusion to 'Mom and Dad" :).

Probably the weirdest thing to have happened in a while, but hey. What is fanfiction for?

###  [bobbiejelly](https://archiveofourown.org/users/bobbiejelly/pseuds/bobbiejelly)


	22. NO GRAVITY

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**Love The Way You Lie**

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_Derek Shepherd, your husband, hits you- but you stayed until you couldn't stand up anymore. Your best friend Mark Sloan helped you leave him and you two had some adulterous sex. When you see Derek again in Seattle with another woman, all you want is to save her from him. You didn't mean to fall in love with her. She wasn't supposed to fall in love with you, either. But you both did, anyway._

_-Addison Forbes Montgomery, for Meredith Grey_

_MerAdd. Meddison. F/F. Meredith Grey/Addison Montgomery. Rated E for Explicit. Grey's Anatomy & Private Practice Crossover._

_CW: Domestic Violence. Unhealthy Relationships - Physically & Emotionally Abusive Addek & MerDer. Also briefly okay (non-abusive), Maddison & Mark/Derek._

_*This story is entirely fictional. Please seek professional help for abusive relationships in yourself and others. Take all abuse seriously.*_

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**Chapter 22: NO GRAVITY**

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_Broken, disillusioned, I've been dizzy with confusion…_

You wake up again, and this time with less of the disorienting dreams.

The room stops spinning so much, and you can concentrate for a little longer.

You turn to see if Meredith is still lying next to you, but she isn't, and that makes you nervous.

You know that this either means she's recovered or that she's gotten worse.

_You pray with everything that you have that she's well (and you don't even pray to begin with!)._

When you hear footsteps approaching, you know it can't be a good sign.

You recognize that volume and pace of footfalls, and you know that he's on his way to find you.

"Help," you say weakly, and you realize that this is the first thing you've spoken since you've landed here.

No one hears you though, the nurses must have done their rounds on you ages ago, and you can hear Derek getting nearer to you.

_Fucking hell._

"Addison," he says to you when he walks into the room.

There's no compassion in his voice, just mostly venom, with a touch full of pity.

"Derek-" you croak weakly.

"She hates you, you know," he feeds lies to you.

You nod along though, because you're not going to fight him.

"She thinks you did this. You set her up, and you made her walk into those walls and now she's all bruised. She doesn't feel sorry for you, and she won't be by to visit you either," he announces to you proudly.

_He must have had her banned from your room somehow._

You're sad and lost because you miss her desperately, and as much as you seek to protect her, you want to talk with her anyway.

"She's not coming," Derek deadpans.

You sigh.

"I'll be by later," he adds on.

"Okay," you nod, and it still hurts a little to move.

Beyond all of your wildest expectations, Meredith does manage to contact you though.

It comes in the form of a note underneath your lunch tray she must have had someone sneak into your room.

" _I'm well. I'll be by if I can. Take care, Dr. Meredith."_

It's short and sweet, professional even, but you understand her subtext.

She cares about you, and you could live on for days on her small gestures of affection alone. You scribble a response on the back of it as you hand in your food. You expect the nurse has been bribed somehow to keep this a secret, and it's the only chance that you have to communicate.

You hear someone talk about your prognosis, and at least, it's not as bad as you thought it might be.

No permanent damage, but several weeks at least in the hospital.

You take it as a rest period and you close your eyes again.

Supper comes by, and you check for another note but this time there isn't one. You're disappointed, but you could understand that once a day is enough risk for now, especially with Derek having promised he'd stop by later.

When he comes by your room you can tell he's been drinking, and he's off-schedule so he might as well if he wants to.

"Now, are you going to tell everyone a good story about how you got in here, or am I going to have to knock you out again?" Derek threatened you, and you're half-surprised he's even giving you this kind of option.

"I won't talk," you sigh.

"Good," he agrees. "Besides, they'd never believe you anyway," Derek says as he leaves again, slamming the door behind him just to startle you and make your ears ring.

When you wake up he's gone again.

Your days are filled with more of this; paper notes with a few gentle sentences, and more visits and threats, and not much communication with anyone else.

You catch the nurses looking at you with pity sometimes, and it just makes you sad for yourself.

You wonder what kind of stories they've been fed about your 'accident,' and why they definitely shouldn't ask you about it.

Your other bruises heal along with your injuries, and you're almost ready to remove the sutures you've made yourself.

You wonder if they'd found them all as they'd been operating, but they haven't asked you about them, so maybe they couldn't place the difference between all of the incidents.

Your favorite note from Meredith shows up a week in, reading:

" _Stay strong, you'll be back in the O.R in no time. Your patients miss you. -Dr. Meredith."_

Work is something you've always been proud of, and you're glad that this outside source of evaluation still has high regard for you. You write Meredith another note asking if he could call your brother for you. That would be a nice treat to pass him a message saying that you're okay.

You don't find out though, because you're discharged that evening, and they call Derek to pick you up and bring you home again.

They carry you out in a wheelchair, as is the protocol, and watch as he straps you into the passenger seat.

Goodbye Seattle Grace, hello Trailer until you can walk again.

_As you leave with him, you can see through the window that Meredith's nose is pressed to the glass and that she's waving at you. She's putting on a brave face, but you can tell that she's scared because her other fist is curled up in a ball, and there are tears streaming all down her beautiful face._

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***** **END OF CHAPTER TWENTY TWO**

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**Author's Note:**

> THANK YOU!


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